Ah, Christmas. That most wonderful time of the year when the Metal Storm Staff is locked up in their sacred Staff Towers, totally focused on picking this year's nominees for the MS Awards - a Herculean undertaking which usually involves a lot of bitching and moaning and drawing guns at each other. Isn't Christmas just magical?
Anyway, have some schnapps on the house, and enjoy this holiday edition of the Greatest Metal Video Ever... Series!
Medeia - Antichristmas
Everybody and their mom knows that Christmas is just as metal as Jari Mäenpää is the most reliable person in the entire scene... which is why Medeia released the most anti-cliche, anti-fluffy, and batshit insane anti-Christmas video in the history of time and space... which is why there'll be no presents for Christmas for them. Ha!
By popular, close to overwhelming demand we are hosting a Tr00 Satanic Black Metal edition of the infamous Greatest Metal Video Ever... Series. Here to take you on a journey to the world of raped goat corpses, shameless blasphemy and expressive panda make-up is your mistress of evil, Elodie Artour. Off we go!
The Black Satans - Satanic Darkness
Shot in the deepest darkest woods of Finland on a sunny summerday, The Black Satan's video has everything a black metal video needs: inverted crosses, an undisputed toughguy attitude, female slaves, evil facial expressions, partial nudity and a flag of Norway. Grimness; they're doing it right!
Reckless Tide - Kleemähendeäbte
The life of a black metal warrior sure is tough... or so this video implies. We all know those days when you wake up with tons of make-up and Hawaii shorts on, when it feels like the whole world - including that son of a bitch Superman - seems to be in your way. Add a wiseguy in a suit who has had his face painted, performing a line that could be described best as a mixture of Alphaville and HIM, whispering to a plush white tiger and an iceman trying to make a living... and what do you get? The perfect black metal video of course!
We're back, baby! Ready to cheer up/ruin your Sunday with another exiting edition of Greatest Metal Video Ever... Since it's been a while we picked not one but three awesome videos this time that have one peculiar thing in common: choreographed dance moves - oh yes we did! Because, y'know, dancing is metull!
Protest The Hero - Limb From Limb
Here it is. The moment nobody has been waiting for... a re-enactment of the Village People... or something equally heterosexual.
The world already knew the guys from Protest The Hero had a few dance routines going on - you ABSOLUTELY need to see this video too - but this is really something else. Appearing in everyone's nightmares from now on, enjoy the debacle that is "Limb From Limb"!
So your regular provider of epic metal video goodness, Thryce, is a busy little bee and authorized yours truly to give it a shot with the next installment. Here goes nothing.
Earlier this month I caught the Between the Baroness and Mastodon gig, and arrived early enough to enjoy the opening act, Valient Thorr. Their energetic stage show and "P-A-R-T-Y - you ain't go no alibi, YOU PARTY!" chant, coupled with some barley sodas got me fueled up to enjoy the rest of the gig. They were rocked hard enough that I took the time to chat with them at the merch stand, buy a disk after their set, and later went to their website where I discovered this inspiration for this column.
The creative mind and ambition of director Mike Aho combines special effects that make Avatar look lame with gratuitous violence and the best car chase scene since the Blues Brothers to great effect. His artistic vision with an amazing, Oscar-worthy performance by Valient Himself results in a truly fantastic metal video for "Tomorrow Police" off of their 2008 release, Immortalizer that is worthy of much praise indeed.
It is Sunday morning, there's a huge amount of dead serious news to be reported, so there's certainly no room for fooling around. Just like in the previous editions, this feature only takes care of severely important matters, being the high value metal videos - aka the ones that are not recorded in an abandoned factory/the frontman's backyard/high school parking lots. So sit up straight. Remove that chewing gum. No smiling allowed.
Greatest metal video of all time... for this week... is Red Fang - Prehistoric Dog.
Here's the breathtakingly simple formula for making the greatest metal video ever recorded: you need beer, medieval weaponry, vomit, blood, more beer, armored dudes destroying each other, RPG nerds, you really don't have enough beer yet, the clip should be full of awesome (despite the RPG nerds), there should be some metal in it too, beer cans, make that lots and lots of beer cans, a Chihuahua, and some dudes jamming in a kitchen... or something.
It's Sunday morning and there is traditionally no news to report at this time. So let's get back to that certain Metal Storm feature in which we look for the greatest metal video in the history of awesome. Just like in last week's issue we prefer to do it the hilarious/eccentric/ludicrous way.
This week's heavyweight champion defending his belt is Children - Power Spirit.
For some inexplicable reason, recording your video in the middle of the woods in some ridiculous outfit has always been considered "cool" in the worldwide metal community (am I right Trollech?). But this video... oh my god, this video. This video... oh my god.
Who would've thought that running and hopping around with a guitar, sunglasses and what seems to be purple one-piece pajamas in the deepest, darkest woods of upstate New York could be so metal? Certainly not me. I don't know what drugs these guys are on (have you seen that drum kit? Or the weird dance move before the guitar solo?), but the long johns-wearing tree-hugger in me will have what they're having.
I'm pretty sure most of you mastered the basics of reading, so this title speaks for itself really. Here's a video so ridiculously awesome - or awesomely ridiculous, that's up to you - we decided to create a whole new feature just for similar special occasions.
The point of this new feature is to find the greatest metal video in the history of awesome. The more hilarious/eccentric/ludicrous the video the better...
Current heavyweight champion defending his belt is White Wizzard - Over The Top.
As the song title subtly gave away, this is nothing but pure over the top traditional metal madness. White Wizzard are bringing true heavy metal to the wild wild west... but how! You really need to see this to believe it. This video/piece of art/cause of recurring nightmares is as epic as they come. A pinnacle of cheese. Wrong on so many different levels. But you know what, in a strange way, I totally dig this particular travesty.