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Posted by mankvill on 04.01.2008 at 01:19
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.



Page 3 of 6

Aquilla_Operandi
Account deleted
  11.06.2009 at 10:17
I resent the Doom thing. It should be...

"The protagonist arrives in a hearse, deafens the dragon, then has sex with the princess in missionary position with the lights off and no talking."
Aquilla_Operandi
Account deleted
  11.06.2009 at 10:23
Hmm. Maybe DSBM as well?

"The protagonist arrives in a pool of tears and sorrow, tells the dragon maudlin tales until it scuttles off to sulk in a dark corner, the protagonist joins him in the corner, forgets the princess, and drinks mead until morning."
Andresopeth

Posts: 175

Age: 31
From: Venezuela

  17.06.2009 at 17:03
I liked this post a lot, i laugh a lot with the progressive guy playing his 26 minuts solo heheehe, i love Opeth and i never get bored as the dragon did, but, is a good description.
Razorback

Posts: 220

Age: 26
From: Serbia

  20.08.2009 at 15:31
Ahahahahhaah interesting subject.I think we can make difference by sound of the band,singing,theme of the lyrics,even style and behaviour on the stage,it's all metal but there are always some little differences that make subgenre
----
Careful what you wish,you may regret it.Careful what you wish,you just might get it!
Angel Of Mercy

Posts: 276

Age: 20
From: UK

  18.09.2009 at 18:59
I thought the power metal description was quite accurate, except not all power metal is like that lol
----
Your time will come.
Runamoinen

Posts: 20

Age: 24
From: Serbia
  22.09.2009 at 01:37
Hahaha. I've got some suggestions for a Folk/Viking metal scenario, you can tell me which one you all like best.

1. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with his band mates, drunk as hell, they get really friendly with the dragon and in a drunken stupour kill the princess by mistake. They remember nothing the following morning HIC

2. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives at the scene almost naked and asks the dragon to sign his/her tattoo.

3. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives and asks the dragon for the princess and the dragon laughs at his accent. The protagonist gets pissed and cleaves the dragon in half with his uilleann pipes. NEVER MAKE FUN OF A FOLK-METALLERS ACCENT!

1. VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives at the castle, slays the dragon with his runic blade, bathes in its blood, thus achieving invincibility save a small spot on his back. He then proceeds to claim his reward (the dragon's treasure, not the princess) which makes the princess jealous and she gives away his secret to the christian metal protagonist who, in turn, stabs the hero in the back by the creek. Later on, the princess jumps into the protagonist's funeral boat and their bodies vanish in the pyre.
GamlaSonn

Posts: 169

Age: 25
From: Norway
  22.09.2009 at 01:49
Nice read I'd argue that Death Metal also fucks the dead body afterwards (see lyrics for Unleashed - "Only the Dead")
Super_Greg

Posts: 429

Age: 29
From: USA

  22.09.2009 at 09:11
LOL this is great!
SerratedSyringe

Posts: 510

Age: 23
From: USA

  23.09.2009 at 20:42
Industrial Metal: The protagonist arrives in a WW2 panzer tank, takes the dragon and the princess into his underground laboratory, and turns them both into cybernetic sex slaves.
----
Just another cog in this infernal machine....
MetallicA

Posts: 895

Age: 28
From: USA

  24.09.2009 at 21:22
Written by Super_Greg on 22.09.2009 at 09:11

LOL this is great!



my thoughts exactly! I was laughing so hard!

and I also agree with the death metal protagonist fucking the dead body again
----

God's disciples want you to die!
In the blazing inferno
Slewed on Satan's pitchfork
Burning for eternity
Death
I see it coming your way
by my hand... or by your fate
with no remorse.
Panterica

Posts: 250
From: Israel

  26.09.2009 at 16:31
Written by MetallicA on 24.09.2009 at 21:22

Written by Super_Greg on 22.09.2009 at 09:11

LOL this is great!



my thoughts exactly! I was laughing so hard!

and I also agree with the death metal protagonist fucking the dead body again


Lol, so true, although there was some nice alternatives for Folk Metal. You people have surely expended my knowledge about metal XD.
----
Li'ed - Prog-Metal from Jerusalem
https://www.facebook.com/LiedBandMusic
http://lied-band.bandcamp.com/
Conservationist

Posts: 257
From: USA
  26.09.2009 at 17:16
[QUOTE="Conservationist:983723"]When you're talking about music with your friends, you want to know the meanings for the words they're using. Without going overboard, we can recognize a handful of genres within heavy metal. Here are audio samples and descriptions for each of these metal genres.

An easy guide to heavy metal genres

Bands included: King Crimson, Iggy and the Stooges, Blue Cheer, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Cream, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Venom, DRI, Cryptic Slaughter, Fearless Iranians From Hell, Metallica, Exodus, Slayer, Prong, Hellhammer, Sodom, Bathory, Deicide, Morbid Angel, Possessed, Incantation, Emperor, Immortal, Burzum, Skepticism, Winter, Saint Vitus, Cathedral, Necrophagist, Behemoth, Neuraxis, ICP, Slipknot, Korn, Dragonforce, Hammerfall, Blind Guardian, Jesu, Sunn O))), Wolves in the Throne Room
[/QUOTE]

Some people flipped out over our article on the genres of metal, which among its greatest sins identified Behemoth, Necrophagist and Neuraxis as metalcore. Since people aren't familiar with much of the history of this genre, here's a little rundown: "What is metalcore?"
----
Death Metal and Black Metal Reviews, History, Styles and Philosophy
MetallicA

Posts: 895

Age: 28
From: USA

  27.09.2009 at 22:22
@Conservationist - I see where you're coming from in terms of the roots of where certain genres come from. Technically, you are correct but most people identify the metalcore genre with bands like All That Remains, Trivium, Parkway Drive and Bullet for my Valentine (which all sound gay imo). Behemoth and Necrophagist have a much different sound than these metalcore bands I listed. Their roots may be the same but that's all they have in common...that's probably why people got pissed off at that article. Behemoth and Necrophagist make death metal music, not metalcore music. People who like metalcore generally hate death metal and vice-versa. Just my 2 cents
----

God's disciples want you to die!
In the blazing inferno
Slewed on Satan's pitchfork
Burning for eternity
Death
I see it coming your way
by my hand... or by your fate
with no remorse.
Super_Greg

Posts: 429

Age: 29
From: USA

  27.09.2009 at 23:29
Written by MetallicA on 27.09.2009 at 22:22

@Conservationist - I see where you're coming from in terms of the roots of where certain genres come from. Technically, you are correct but most people identify the metalcore genre with bands like All That Remains, Trivium, Parkway Drive and Bullet for my Valentine (which all sound gay imo). Behemoth and Necrophagist have a much different sound than these metalcore bands I listed. Their roots may be the same but that's all they have in common...that's probably why people got pissed off at that article. Behemoth and Necrophagist make death metal music, not metalcore music. People who like metalcore generally hate death metal and vice-versa. Just my 2 cents


I agree. Most people whom I have met that love metalcore bands haven't even heard death metal before. They either think its too hard, don't like the vocals(which are completely different from metalcore vocals) or are just trend followers, riding the metalcore wave.
MetallicA

Posts: 895

Age: 28
From: USA

  27.09.2009 at 23:39
Written by Super_Greg on 27.09.2009 at 23:29

Written by MetallicA on 27.09.2009 at 22:22

@Conservationist - I see where you're coming from in terms of the roots of where certain genres come from. Technically, you are correct but most people identify the metalcore genre with bands like All That Remains, Trivium, Parkway Drive and Bullet for my Valentine (which all sound gay imo). Behemoth and Necrophagist have a much different sound than these metalcore bands I listed. Their roots may be the same but that's all they have in common...that's probably why people got pissed off at that article. Behemoth and Necrophagist make death metal music, not metalcore music. People who like metalcore generally hate death metal and vice-versa. Just my 2 cents


I agree. Most people whom I have met that love metalcore bands haven't even heard death metal before. They either think its too hard, don't like the vocals(which are completely different from metalcore vocals) or are just trend followers, riding the metalcore wave.



Thank you! Yeah the sub cultures in these 2 sub-genres are totally different. You don't see too many death metallers walking around with asymmetrical haircuts and eyeliner

but back to the topic, these were just jokes posted in the beginning...noone said anything about metalcore. hmmm maybe someone should haha! Maybe I will if I think of something good.
----

God's disciples want you to die!
In the blazing inferno
Slewed on Satan's pitchfork
Burning for eternity
Death
I see it coming your way
by my hand... or by your fate
with no remorse.
Maxx666
Meshuggahian

Posts: 376

Age: 24
From: USA

  05.11.2009 at 22:13
Hilarious..... I love the black metal part
JD
Kafir

Posts: 4033
From: Germany

  09.11.2009 at 20:23
Hahahahha hilarious!!

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time
----
"The Bees Made Honey In The Lion's Skull"
Morka Graven

Posts: 12

Age: 23
From: New Zealand

  21.02.2010 at 03:40
I found a similar list a few hours ago!

Heavy Metal
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and has sex with the princess.

Power Metal
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

Thrash Metal
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

Folk Metal
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments causing the dragon to fall asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave...without the princess.

Viking Metal
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

Death Metal
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

Black Metal
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

Goregrind
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

Grindcore
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about two minutes and then leaves...

Doom Metal
The protagonist arrives, sees the immense size of the dragon and talks about how he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

Gothic Metal
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet when he shows up, they sing while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the beauty and the protagonist, and then he suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for eternity.

Progressive Metal
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a 26 minute solo. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

Industrial Metal
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

Speed Metal
Suddenly there is a short solo, the dragon is confused; someone's screaming weird stuff; the princess realizes she's been deflowered; the dragon and the princess are still looking for the one who caused this.

Christian Metal
The protagonist rides in on his way home from Church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

Glam Metal
The protagonist arrives; the dragon laughs at the protaganist's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

Nu-Metal
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
----
We can't keep on fighting in a world where nothing is of importance.
busta5000
Account deleted
  10.06.2010 at 16:40
You forgot metalcore

MetalCore: Its more about solo's than drums plus lyrics are not direct nor poetic but in-between. My favorite genre is metalcore
example of metalcore bands:

All That Remains
Killswitch Engage
As I lay dying
Bullet for my valentine
Fëanor

Posts: 2072

Age: 30
From: Canada

  10.06.2010 at 17:23
Written by Guest on 10.06.2010 at 16:40

You forgot metalcore

MetalCore: Its more about solo's than drums plus lyrics are not direct nor poetic but in-between. My favorite genre is metalcore
example of metalcore bands:

All That Remains
Killswitch Engage
As I lay dying
Bullet for my valentine


* METALCORE:
The protagonist arrives, looks at the dragon and screams an explanation of how he's going to save the princess, then walks off in the opposite direction to buy a cheap whore at the local tavern, completely missing the point. (In case you're wondering, the dragon ends up having a tea party with the princess).
----
~Everything we think we know is merely a guess, and every thought process is a theory in progress.~

I'm not insane - I'm just smarter than you!
Ghostdancer

Posts: 196

Age: 42
From: USA

  06.05.2011 at 20:00
I'm still laughing...great way to define these genres.
----
"Bullshit! You didn't convince me!"
ANGEL REAPER

Posts: 3213

Age: 23
From: Serbia

  06.05.2011 at 21:35
Written by Runamoinen on 22.09.2009 at 01:37

Hahaha. I've got some suggestions for a Folk/Viking metal scenario, you can tell me which one you all like best.

1. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with his band mates, drunk as hell, they get really friendly with the dragon and in a drunken stupour kill the princess by mistake. They remember nothing the following morning HIC

2. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives at the scene almost naked and asks the dragon to sign his/her tattoo.

3. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives and asks the dragon for the princess and the dragon laughs at his accent. The protagonist gets pissed and cleaves the dragon in half with his uilleann pipes. NEVER MAKE FUN OF A FOLK-METALLERS ACCENT!

1. VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives at the castle, slays the dragon with his runic blade, bathes in its blood, thus achieving invincibility save a small spot on his back. He then proceeds to claim his reward (the dragon's treasure, not the princess) which makes the princess jealous and she gives away his secret to the christian metal protagonist who, in turn, stabs the hero in the back by the creek. Later on, the princess jumps into the protagonist's funeral boat and their bodies vanish in the pyre.

the last thing.....Ring of Nibelung? isnt it?
----
"Cross is only an iron,hope is just an illusion,freedom is nothing but a name..."
"Build your walls of the dead stone...Build your roofs of a dead wood..Build your dreams of a dead thoughts"
Runamoinen

Posts: 20

Age: 24
From: Serbia
  06.05.2011 at 21:52
Written by ANGEL REAPER on 06.05.2011 at 21:35

Written by Runamoinen on 22.09.2009 at 01:37

Hahaha. I've got some suggestions for a Folk/Viking metal scenario, you can tell me which one you all like best.

1. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with his band mates, drunk as hell, they get really friendly with the dragon and in a drunken stupour kill the princess by mistake. They remember nothing the following morning HIC

2. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives at the scene almost naked and asks the dragon to sign his/her tattoo.

3. FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives and asks the dragon for the princess and the dragon laughs at his accent. The protagonist gets pissed and cleaves the dragon in half with his uilleann pipes. NEVER MAKE FUN OF A FOLK-METALLERS ACCENT!

1. VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives at the castle, slays the dragon with his runic blade, bathes in its blood, thus achieving invincibility save a small spot on his back. He then proceeds to claim his reward (the dragon's treasure, not the princess) which makes the princess jealous and she gives away his secret to the christian metal protagonist who, in turn, stabs the hero in the back by the creek. Later on, the princess jumps into the protagonist's funeral boat and their bodies vanish in the pyre.

the last thing.....Ring of Nibelung? isnt it?


Yup.
Void Eater
Crunkcore Fan

Posts: 2234

Age: 20
From: USA

  06.05.2011 at 21:53
Metalcore-The protaganist, using his fighting skills obtained from fighting the invisible ninja's, attempts to slam dance the dragon to death. The dragon laughs at his stupidity and burns the protaganist.
----
Yasmine

Posts: 1485

Age: 29
From: USA

  07.05.2011 at 02:25
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess waits the 6 hours having taken note of the Protagonists epic fingering skills.......

I'm just saying, I prefer man with the skill......and I don't mean that musically.

METALCORE - The protaganist arrives and fights the dragon but begins to cry after 5 minutes when he's not able to beat the dragon. The dragon then feels sorry for him and lets him have sex with the princess before killing him.
----
"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute." G B Stern
"Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum float u
jhosting

Posts: 2

Age: 31
From: Philippines
  09.05.2011 at 06:15
A newbie in here...thank you for sharing I appreciate it so much....
----
web hosting company
web hosting
king_matt

Posts: 449

Age: 17
From: USA

  14.05.2011 at 06:01
That was actually funny.
----
http://www.last.fm/user/King_Matt
Cuca Beludo
Account deleted
  19.05.2011 at 01:44
Hey , why don't you put this in the "funny stuff" section?
And i loved the Gore part!
Cuca Beludo
Account deleted
  19.05.2011 at 01:52
Written by Yasmine on 07.05.2011 at 02:25

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess waits the 6 hours having taken note of the Protagonists epic fingering skills.......

I'm just saying, I prefer man with the skill......and I don't mean that musically.

METALCORE - The protaganist arrives and fights the dragon but begins to cry after 5 minutes when he's not able to beat the dragon. The dragon then feels sorry for him and lets him have sex with the princess before killing him.


Cool, liked the metalcore part! And someone make funny with "Alternative metal" and "Melodeath too!"

( Yasmine you're cute! )
Yasmine

Posts: 1485

Age: 29
From: USA

  19.05.2011 at 09:13
Written by Guest on 19.05.2011 at 01:52

Written by Yasmine on 07.05.2011 at 02:25

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess waits the 6 hours having taken note of the Protagonists epic fingering skills.......

I'm just saying, I prefer man with the skill......and I don't mean that musically.

METALCORE - The protaganist arrives and fights the dragon but begins to cry after 5 minutes when he's not able to beat the dragon. The dragon then feels sorry for him and lets him have sex with the princess before killing him.


Cool, liked the metalcore part! And someone make funny with "Alternative metal" and "Melodeath too!"

( Yasmine you're cute! )


Thanks hun!
----
"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute." G B Stern
"Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum float u

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