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Soliloquy

Posts: 1892
From: Canada

  17.05.2006 at 03:24
since MS started all overagain, i decidied to get rid of the numbers. but i believe this should have been the 5th poetry thread.

anyways, you guys know the rules. post somethig you wrote, or a friend of yours wrote. or if you dont want to post some poem, you can always read others work and comment on that. unlike the last poetry thread, lets try to comment on every poem we get in.

(if you want me to add or remove something, just PM me, and i'll edit it right away.)
----



now get on your knees and worship me!
-Zakk Wylde
Soliloquy

Posts: 1892
From: Canada

  17.05.2006 at 03:45
i'll take this thread's virginity.

myth of the endless pax

the wish of the nation
lies in our hands.
over and over we count the dead.
the rise of the nation
requires our inhalation;
with honor,
just for the land of the enemy's destruction;
to promise absolution!
we'll see her,
we'll see them,
all of our blood,
we count the hours till we'll see them again;
too dumb to realize
that to see them is a myth!
we kill and we kill,
like we kill them bugs;
we see them, we kill them,
over and over,
yet they never learned how to die!
we kill because we kill,
like there is no peace (tomorrow).
we fail to realize
that there is no sun to smile upon us!
we kill and kill
till we kill no more.
our name is glorious,
yet we should be in jail!
we are tired of being our nation's hero.
we want our blood to be proud,
yet these letters and medals
fail to impress.
we are tired of being the hero,
for our hands have the power to leave
Neptune red!
we are the forgotten,
who's sorrow is the nations happiness!
hours to sevens to months to dozens
to see our loved ones, we count in vain!
and to think our nation wants us dead;
just so it can sleep at night.
what's so fun about us being scared
or how every flower and rain drop makes us cry?
we want to go home and make love;
spread our blood, not spill!
our king speaks of this never ending pax!
it just makes us want to cry;
for the nation will dance with out us!
(the nation will dance, while we would sleep forever)
what's in it for us?
we are here for our selfish nation!
why cant they see
we cry in vain?
for this will shadow its self!
what so fun about this never ending pax?
this power and power, the endless desire!
why cant we live in peace loving harmony?
let the enemy sing us to sleep.
for what's so fun about a never ending pax?
this is not our war!
we are apathetic to our king being insulted!



*NOTE: for those who don't know, 'pax' is a latin tern which means peace and prosperity and even the peak of a civilization. Forexample, the greeks had their pax during Alexander the great s rule.
----



now get on your knees and worship me!
-Zakk Wylde
Daibh
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 04:08
Well this piece isn't exactly what I'd normally post on Metalstorm. I normally save my darker pieces for preview here -even though I haven't done so for a long time. I understand however that Metalheads are not 2dimensional creatures, and something with a little light at its centre may still be appreciated


Erstwhile, The Only Difference Was Our Size

It was insurmountable, that boy-body of mine
As grandfather climbing the prickly fence
is returning, stick in hand from where it lay
High and high above the river Whenst it came;
That the morning of a bluish day by hills
To young in time to make the effort, or fall
lest I'm caught trying to run, it carrying me
Down stream to nighttime where I re-run;
Below a bridge that took us home in eyes
Wide awake and throwing airplanes
Made of paper, all the things that I recall
And how I'd never be old enough to know
Him, the man that he was standing in the sky
Of my future; between the rows of seats
Velvet and plush like bluebells and thistles
And woodland things; of feather.
Daibh
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 04:11
Oh, I have just this minute read over your poem, Soliloquy, and I find it to be most interesting indeed. 'Tis a rather intense piece, and the pace is very much in the vein of the horrors you are speaking about; like the tracks of an armored veichle riding over the spoils of war! Indeed, if you don't mind the further comparison; It reminds me somewhat of Rage Against The Machine. I like it.
ToCSiN
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 07:23
Once i was in a good mood and i wrote few words describing love, and that's what have i got, hope you will like it.
I call it:
One Lil Tear To Drop!!

So little is a tear drop
Yet so much love it unfolds
It can reveal secrets untold
The depth of one soul
An overflow of either passion
Agony or a celebration
Of aquired desires or dreams
One little tear drop means
So much and tells a story
Of love a broken heart memory
Past or a one moment in time
Feelings words can't define
From overwhelming joy or pain
The abundance it holds stands
All in one little tear drop
From the treasure the endless overflowing fountain of a
Loving heart .
Penance
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 16:01
@Soliloquy ~ I have to agree with Daibh, that was intense. The pace really set the mood as well and fit in well with the ideas and imagery you were using. The bugs I had to stop and think at though. It kinda sprung out at me, it was so intense and then all of a sudden you get the word 'bugs' and it feels so out of place with the rest of your imagery and the mood you were creating. I'm sorry but it kind of broke the mood a little there for me personally. But otherwise great! I really enjoyed reading it.

@Daibh ~ I enjoyed reading it, the imagery was wonderful but... I didn't get the point you were trying to make. Did the poem have a meaning at all or some kind of end to it? To me it seemed just a lot of images placed together that flowed well. It really is a beautiful poem though, I really liked it but I'm uncertain of whether or not you were trying to place a meaning in there or not. Anyway, I enjoyed reading it, the imagery was beautiful and it was a creative use of words. It was a great read. Poems like that are really nice to read. They seem to make no sense but leave you with a feeling of wonderment. This is only my personal view... someone else may be able to make sense of it more than I could.

@ToCSiN ~ Your poem was gorgeous. It created a mood of peace, the pace was slow and each sentence meaningful and adding to the poems story. The imagery of the tear and your defining of it was wonderfully done. I really loved it. The whole idea was great! If I said anything more I would just be repeating myself it was really good.

Anyways, here is one of my many poems for you all to read and mull over if you so wish...

Lies

She sits beside me
whilst I fall apart.
Her footsteps echoing
in my lost mind.

The screams they sing
to me of lullaby's lost.
Sweet death's embrace
cold to the touch.

I whisper to her of
memories gone.
The smiles, the tears,
the tormenting loss.

Stroking fair skin,
shivering in peace.
Silence surrounds
the crimson sheets.

He waits for me
behind closed doors.
Yet I dare not leave
the sightless eyes.

Weeping tears of pain
and sorrow.
From the fear of the
one who waits.

I shudder at his touch,
cold hands reaching.
Holding onto pale death,
clinging to wounded memories.

The silence hides the
bloody tale in
whispered shadows,
entangled in lies.

Truth cowers as I sit,
hands crimson,
eyes dull in the
growing darkness.

Memories, all lies.
Smiles, all dead.
Love, a myth.

Happiness, a twisted lie,
dead to the mists of
myth and time.
MidnightRaven
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 16:11
@Soliloquy ::myth of the endless pax:: While I am not from Canada, I found this peice very honest and moving. I liked it.

@Daibh ::Erstwhile, The Only Difference Was Our Size:: I love your choice of words! Very nicely done.

@ToCSiN ::One Lil Tear To Drop!!:: I love the flow of the first four lines, very well written and gets to the point without over lingering. Good work!

I'll post a poem when I find one that may worth your critiquing, haha. Take care and I look forward to hearing, er reading, more from you all!

-MidnigthRaven
MidnightRaven
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 16:15
@Penance ::Lies:: Amazing! It sent shivers down my spine. I love the word choice as well as the way the words play off of each other. What more can I say, this peice has left me speechless with an ache in my heart. Very well done. Look forward to reading more!

-MidnightRaven
MidnightRaven
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 16:23
While I admit this isn't the most reasonable place to post this, it's one I feel the need to share simply to honor the death of my daddy whom passed away May 21, 1992. *love you, daddy*

::I Watched You Fade::

I watched you fade, like a scent on the wind
As the cancer ate away at you, your hair and body thinned

I watched you fade, like a shooting star
It broke my heart, it left a searing scar

I watched you fade, like a rainbow after the rain
I felt your lonely sorrow, I saw your endless pain

I watched you fade, like the sun from the evening sky
I held your hand, and I watched you die

I watched you fade, like a light burning out
"WAKE UP, DAD!!!", I wanted to shout

I watched you fade, like seasons through the year
I held you hand, as you shed your last tear

I watched you fade, till you breathed no more
It shook me deep, like nothing had before

I watched you fade, like the moon from the dawning sky
I couldn't believe it, I had watched you die

I watched you fade, like a shadow in the dark of night
I saw you relax and let go, as your soul took flight

I watched you fade, till cancer stole you away
I will forever relive, that last fateful day.

As I said, I felt the need to share to honor his life and death, and thus, I have posted my peice for the time being. Comments are more than welcome.

~*~MidnightRaven~*~
Daibh
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 16:26
@Midnight Raven: Love your poem, first of all. Quietly dark and jaded, it seems to me. Thankyou for the kind words regarding my own work.

@Penance. The meaning behind the poem, well, it is about and for my grandfather. The images relate to my memories of him. Thanks for the support!
ToCSiN
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 17:14
Penance & MidnightRaven, realyl thanks a lot for your nice words my friends, am glad that you liked what have i wrote.
Love is more pure to be described in few words, but we are trying the best we can to show the best image of LOVE.
Am working on another poem about love i will post it as soon as it finish.
Thanks again, and thanks for all who red the poem.
Sunioj

Posts: 3894

Age: 27
From: Israel

  17.05.2006 at 17:37
Nocturnal Eyes,
Pierce the dark,
Setting for persecution;
The one flogged by many,
Its resentment pierces the dark,
Soon shall unfold the hatred of all.

Stood there, smiling, taunting,
Living under the protection of
Misguided souls, their packs
Numerous in idiots, cowardice
Hides behing your lonely eyes.

Behold, thy bane, her defiance
Shall crush your infidels,
Now the tables have turned,
The eyes pierce the darkness;
Wishing your ultimate death.

Draw, thy blood, its strength
Will empower what I have forged.
Extend, the bane, your pain
Is retribution for the crimes
You have lashed.

Bring my heart to joy,
To watch you fall to pieces,
Insomnia kills you slowly
With Malach Hamavet swinging
Down low, in your thoughts, in
Your eyes, And with my eyes,
I unleash your fear.
MidnightRaven
Account deleted
  17.05.2006 at 18:46
@Hellraizer - Very dark and somewhat forboding. I applaud you for your work here. I have tried many times to capture the feeling I get when I read this with my own words, but have yet to achive just the right atmosphere. You have done so splendidly well!

@Daibh & ToCSiN - You are more than welcome, I only speak the truth and what I feel, I can say no more than that as I am not qualified enough within my own mind to fairly critique anyones work, so I simply give my honest opinion, which is not always what others want to hear, but it's the truth to what I feel, so be it, hehe.

Thanks to those of you have left me comments as well. I am often times hesitant to share my work, as we are all our own worst critic, I never feel I have anything new to add or anything expounding upon things that have already been said much better before, but should you like to see more someday, I may oblige. Thank you again.

~MidnightRaven~
Torelli

Posts: 1280

Age: 26
From: Sweden

  17.05.2006 at 22:00
Allright...new thread. I sense some hope in it, seeing that so many have commented allready. i hope it will continue this way...

@Soliloguy...myth of the endless pax...
The content it quite strong ,but get burning clear. It's a good job to make it so long without it geting repetative. However, you could have shorten it a little to make it run smother. other than that, it was quite good, bringing up a subject we all need to reflect upon.

@Daibh:...Erstwhile, The Only Difference Was Our Size...
Some memories get stuck in our heads, regardless if want it or not. In dark moments it's good to have some happy memories to fall back to. It's a very beautiful poem, it seems like you loved your grandfather very much...a fine way to tribute him.

@ ToCSiN...One Lil Tear To Drop...
Many people is probaly going to like this poem. The poem is easy and accessable, and get striking with impact. very nice rythm in it, allmost like a song... very nice.

@Penance...Lies...
the word usage is quite good, but all those words have been used in every possible combination. The subject have been repeated so many times that it's hard to come up with something new. perhaps the words would come to it's full pontential if the poem gets music to it....

@Midnight Raven:...I Watched You Fade...
The pain of seeing someone slowly fade away without the ability to do something about it is painted in those sorrowful lines. It's very sad... it shows that you have added alot of feelings through it, pure emotions. I think your dad would have been moved by this tribute to him.

@Hellraizer...untitled...
It's a dark feeling in it, and i most say I love the closing lines "In your eyes, and with my eyes, I unleash your fear", simply brilliant. the problem is that I don't understand this poem entirely(my english is far from good), and therefore i miss some of the atmosphere in those lines. however, the lines I could interpret seemed quite good.

NOTE: This is my personal opinion, I'm sure there is alot of people who think diffrently then me.
Sunioj

Posts: 3894

Age: 27
From: Israel

  17.05.2006 at 23:49
@Torelli,
Perfectly understood, sorry I forgot to title it but Im not too sure either what the title should be,
Its about a person using the power of his/her eyes to defeat their enemy, also his/her thoughts would be like a staff disciplining a band of thugs who might treat you like crap.

Malach Hamavet, is the angel of death, like the narrator is haunting those who have persecuted him with thoughts and the hatred is so powerful it summons spirits.
ToCSiN
Account deleted
  18.05.2006 at 11:25
Thanks a lot Torelli, you have my respect dude, those worlds that you wrote mean something 2 me, thanks you and thanks to all those ppl who supported me and added comments.
Torelli

Posts: 1280

Age: 26
From: Sweden

  18.05.2006 at 18:42
@Hellraizer: Thanks for straiting things out. I guess this shows how diffrently people can interpret poems. To me this poem was about a person who is quite dominant and an expert of manipulating other people, especially his girlfriend. The guy seemed to be a sadistic person with a unexplainable hatred to his partner.

Ok, perhaps i should try to post a poem to?

"A Glare of Insanity"

Forming letters in death
like birds sing
a melody of innocence
no sense
decaying masses
forming the body of my soul

Dividing senses
a pact of broken sand
frail glare
a massacre of mind

Ripped, change
in the winds
trembeling thoughts
fear compels
a livid mind
liquid enter higher stands

Devious in moments
slingering through
unknown waters
direction of dividing path

In illitable eyes, a clear mind
becomes a glare of insanity...
Zeraphine
Lazy Bastard

Posts: 3128

Age: 25
From: Romania

  19.05.2006 at 09:41
welcome, good old poetry thread! good to see new and willing people commenting and posting. the poets of MS are a wonderful community which i hope i'll get to rejoin some day. i'm not promising anything, but i might get back my old main commenter job after school finishes. till then good luck to all of you poets and commenters in here! you're all extremely talented. never cease to evolve.

-- sorry for the offtopic. if this post disturbs anyone, delete it. --
Negaiss
Account deleted
  20.05.2006 at 18:51
[shining world]

what haven't we touched,
what has become of us,
what haven't we been,
what haven't we dreamed?

where haven't we been,
what haven't we seen,
what have we seen,
where have we been?

memories as flowers in dreams,
there they are - fields and fields,
thousands of colours, thousands of lights,
then awaken and nothing, everything's gone,
a new world has come.

what have you seen,
what have you been,
where will you be
this night, this dream,
what shall you see?

keep the breath,
take it with you, then,
when a new world is born,
breathe it out, shine your mind,
thousands of colours, thousands of lights,
be everything that you really are.
Collacteral
Account deleted
  20.05.2006 at 19:51
I was writingthis, when I had so many different emotions inside me. This poem may sound wierd or even syrreal. But when it does, then it must be this way. I'm sorry...

Shoes In Red

I had so many emotions to get rid off.
And words what to claim from life,
Have hidden itself from time to time
Away from people who had no face
Or no truth to go on.

I'm sorry, but even I had once wings,
Three stars on each one.
So unpretentiously life grazed me,
This fine apocalypse.
And even on summer
The snow is falling for me,
'cause in my heart the winter is growing,
Every year more perfect…
And the winds,
From where I can hear the words so supernatural
They play to me dances about white horses

Memories from lives lived before-
These are the echo ahead.
Just like jazz orchestra
And listening this you'll find different ways to enjoy.

I fell in love of world's small things
And I wasn't in love with this place called My Head.
I reach out for the golden, old telephone.
It is the door for my glory,
For my goodbyes.
And I wish I could only know what the words…are
Words of morning.
And I pray for the sins that me and my lover once made
Lover of sunshine.

I was crying and smiled trough all this.
Please don't fade, dancing shoes in red.
I promise - they are just flies -
Something more,
But yet more beautiful than roundelay in your backyard.

Play to me blues on violin,
Play drum'n'bass on flute.
Asking impossible is like lucid dream,
But it's all I can ask.
Don't be afraid.
It is all so easy!

/MHK
29.04.2006

ToCSiN
Account deleted
  21.05.2006 at 19:07
The Story Of True Love:
After i broke up with my ex gf, i was in a bad mood, and i wrote those words, hope you will like it, and i hope that she is able to read it here, so she might know what she means 2 me, and was her love in my heart.

The Poem:
When I feel you near me
I tremble with excitement

Isn't it amazing
How you look at me
And you say nothing at all
But I can still understand
Every word being spoken through your eyes

As you brush back my hair
And you kiss my neck
I think to myself
How can I be so lucky
Lucky to have you in my life

The thoughts that run though my head
They are only of you
I don't see how it is possible
Possible for you to always be on my mind
You're always in my heart

Without a word
Without a touch
You look into my eyes
And tell me everything

When caressing my face
You kiss my lips
You speak those
So soft and sweet
I love you

I love you
Not only for what you are
But also
Also
Also what you have made of me

I love you
Because you've made me
A strong person
You've made my happy

You have done this
With out a word
Nor a touch
You've done this
Just by being you

People say we wont lat forever
I want to ignore those possibilities
And love you forever
I can't picture
Picture my life without you in it

I will always want you
I will always need you
So lets live our lives together
And forever

If this is true love
We'll make it through anything
And trust me when I say it
I know it for a fact
This is true love
Torelli

Posts: 1280

Age: 26
From: Sweden

  21.05.2006 at 20:25
Ok, time for commentry again... if you don't want any commentry from me or have some complains, then just PM me...

@Negaiss:...shining world...
Quite a beautiful piece of art! To build the poem with questions gives it a nice rythm and it's easier to read if it has a good structure. The poem is quite blurr, wich gives it space to many interpretions. This is not a negative thing it is infact rather the opposite. For me, the poem is about that we dream about alot of things but we never dare to follow anyone of them. The closing lines is in this case very incurageing, that we should be brave enough to take a step out to the unknown and relise the real person inside us. Good work!

@Collacteral...Shoes in red...
This poem is a mixture of words and emotions. It's hard to find a red thread in it, but that doesn't mean that the poem is bad. For me, the poem is about losing grip in life and not finding any direction were to go, and in that case chaos is necacerry to point that out. The third stanza cathed my attenion: "Memories from lives lived before- /These are the echo ahead. /Just like jazz orchestra /And listening this you'll find different ways to enjoy." a like this symbolism very much, it's beautiful in some ways. As the poem as it's hole, I think it's quite unique with some odd metaphores. I enoyed it very much.

@ToCSiN....untitled...
This is your words, your feelings and obviously a very personal poem for you. that's why it's hard for me to comment on it, but I should try atleast. The feelings in it's easy to reconise if one ever have been in love. Some of these words is a nice sign of admiration to the woman you've decided to dedicate this poem to. The fourth stanza seem simple at first, but contains so much more: "Without a word/Without a touch/ you look into my eyes/ And tell me everything". Just those lines tells us just how much you love her and that stanza could in my opinion be the hole poem.


EDIT: It would be very nice if someone commented my poem. Just give me your honest opinion, you don't have to be afraid that I get angry or hurt if you come with some negative critics. Poetry is in the observer's eye, what apeals to some may be something that other detests (and vice versa to of course).
Penance
Account deleted
  22.05.2006 at 04:26
@Torelli ~ Your poem was beautiful in its imagery. I really saw the relationship between insanity and the images you were drawing on to convey this pure chaos of mind. To me it really caught the idea of insanity as it went from one thing to the next. It played on the whole idea of light and dark and mixed them together, distaughted the images of both into something twisted that made no sense to the mind. Like innocence and decaying masses. Complete opposites to each other yet playing off of each other nicely to bring about this idea of insanity. It was really well done in my opinion.

Anyways, I don't have time to make anymore comments right now, I'm sorry and I will post another poem soon.
Icewings
La Luna

Posts: 1462
From: USA

  22.05.2006 at 04:50
@Soliloquy: Hey , is good to have the thread back YAY! and thanks for your comment on my poem a dance with the wind , and well no I didn't copy but I have always love the moon always , and I get what you are saying , and I guess this goes back to the old stories or mythology , just liek goddess venus that has been in use in so many things ... but is an honor to hear good things from one of the best writers in here and sooner or later you will get my other piece ...

Thanks
----

''Love is like a Ghost ...Everyone talks about it , but only a few have seen it ''
Soliloquy

Posts: 1892
From: Canada

  22.05.2006 at 05:39
@ icewings: hey, i actually wont mind reading that again. it would be great if you post it again. and im still waiting on that thing you promised in my 'short play' section. so yeah. and me...the best writer here? i feel honored, thank you.

@Daibh, Penance, and Torelli, thank you for your comment. ill try fixing whatever you told me to. thank you


@ MidnightRaven: it doesnt really have anything to do with canada actually. i wrote the poem for my 2 cousins who were in the navy. well one of is still in the navy. the other one got shot in the leg while he was out buying this thing for his girlfriend. and since he got shot, the navy let him go. yeah, so i dont really see the point why the navy have their soldiers tied down in some sort of jail. they cant get out of it unless they a) commite suicide, b) get shot c) get kidnapped, and then recued. and the cousin who is still in the navy, though he doesnt fight on the front lines, he is usually in the far back fixing up guns, helicopters, tanks and shit. and since they arent aht well armed, they are usually the first people to be prisoner of wars. and they are just there because they are ordered to serve their country. after a while, almost all of them are brain dead zombies that can only think by the red white and blue...so yeah




anyways, sorry for the long essay. this next piece is when i was an emo child. not really into metal then. i wrotre this book for this girl that i really really loved. the thing is that, the day i was suppose to ask her out, she just blew me off, and started ignoring me. i never really understood why she started ignoring me, so she didnt really do anything wrong. that made it much much harder for me to get over her...so this is for her..its nothing great, nor my greatest pieces...but some how i remember this word to word. i mean, i didnt need to see the words writen on a piece of paper. i wrote all taht from memory...so yeah

Further now (flash backs...)

near or far
across from here
it feels like for ever
flowing tears
drooping lips
things i almost want to remember
far from here
across the lake
behind the desert
on the dark side of the moon,
i stand alone, just thinking
things i felt
long ago
were all stolen by time alone
on the day of september
painted smiles
fake tears
and a lie that someone sang
things i almost want to remember
someone held me close and warm
nights turned into the screaming days
winters became summers
dreamers and fantasies became reality
friendship became love...
near or far
some where close
a figure stands besides me
in the shadows
something startes back...
----



now get on your knees and worship me!
-Zakk Wylde
Renessanss
Grand Gardener

Posts: 1266

Age: 26
From: Estonia

  23.05.2006 at 12:05
Silence Knows


The beauty in it
Is not that of praises sung loud
But that of clarity
That you may read these words
And know not
That they are written for you…

And is that not enough?
For as such, pain is avoided
Only love would remain
Be it silent then…
At least it's true
May you never know
I love you too
----
Icewings
La Luna

Posts: 1462
From: USA

  25.05.2006 at 03:49
@Soliloquy : Thanks my dear , and like I told you sooner or later you would have it ...

here it goes ...


A dance with the wind

After a thousand nights of rain
I open my eyes only to see
A beautiful reflection
A reflection that my mother,
The moon wants to show me.


Her light covers my path
And guides me to the ocean,
Where the wind waits for me,
He waits for our final dance.

I kiss the stars,
And follow her light
I only dream and sing to the night.

As I follow her light,
I see the thunders and their secrets,
And I hear the echo of their furious soul.

I only see century by century,
That shows me, the heart of tragedy
And the majestic wings of victory.

And once more, I follow her light
And I can hear the song of the sirens,
As they wait for the wind and me.

As my mother shines the ocean,
The sirens sing,
I can hear the wind coming now.

I see him,
I see his crystal shadow,
And I kiss his blow,
As he whispers …
Dance with me!


I take his fragile essence,
And listen to the sirens and their melodies,
And finally, I take his shadow
And dance with him.

As we dance,
He becomes eternity,
And I …
I become infinity.

Now we are a dream,
We are deeper than this ocean,
Longer than this night,
Stronger than this sirens,
And we are one.

We dance and dance,
Until neither the sun,
Neither the stars,
Neither the moon
Marks our time.

But I hear the rain again,
And now we must dream together.

After a thousand nights of rain,
I open my eyes,
Only to see
The colors of the clouds.

As they move,
As they dance,
As I look,
I see a mirror that holds them.


And when I see again,
I look at the enchanted mirror,
And see the reflection of my soul,
Then I whisper Oh no!
The light has gone.

I don't see the light,
I don't hear the secrets,
I don't feel my dreams.

Oh no!

All I see.
Is that the wind has stolen the wisdom of my spirit.

Now as the ages fly by,
There's a mist of darkness
And all I can hear.
Is my broken destiny.
----

''Love is like a Ghost ...Everyone talks about it , but only a few have seen it ''
Bad English
nobody

Posts: 38727

Age: 29
From: Sweden

  26.05.2006 at 00:12
This is like song not poem, Its about 3-4 years old, My 3th poem of all
My friend ask me wite lyric for his band and
I wrote it.

This is about young people who has additced to PC and PC games
Thay spend them live, and its about one boy who done suicide because of game, he was from my area.

Computer Game

I, sitting near my table, pussing buton w,e
moving my body fast, done the lavel at last
I take a rifle n ammo bullets never and'
killing the enemies, smashing they faces
I shoot the people, they fall, and the my computers memmory are to small
I must search the way, it cn take a day
Thay shoot me I stand, Finish this game I an
push the a exit I quit, im out going to city
kill somebody at last, Policeman shoot me so fast
Somebody call th ambulance, its to late. How can it be? I'm Death.

I,s comuter game evil thin
Iwant something to drink

Its not game its reality, Edge of Sity
was yor mind, ...its reality it,s hurts...

My brother born newer see me, he like what I left
Install the game, and new windows to
Driving the race he smash a car
He gets new, its fun and race is done.
New game are out, you can get it now
Take a dady's car, drive after it
Acsident was down to roud, dady's boy,s are dead
His last words was. push the enter
Body in the grave are now, Another live(game) ands.

I,s comuter game evil thin
Iwant something to drink

Mamy cryig, she take a knife let her bloo free
Cutting her vains, and lat a live out
Dady drinkin hard, he take a rifle shooting loud
Computer sent them to the promise land...

its a computergame, its evil think
Iwant somethink to drink



I be glad if someone can coment it
----
Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
Collacteral
Account deleted
  26.05.2006 at 13:52
Inhumanity

In another row,
In another light
I am a butterfly.
In another lifetime,
In another opening.
I am the wingless.

Collapse.
It is something strange.
Inhumanity.
This is me.
My other name.
My other I.
I am the God.
There is no Jesus. Talking.
Jesus is a Big Lie.
There is I. Speaking.
My other lifetime.
Inhumanity.

/MHK
May, 2006.
Torelli

Posts: 1280

Age: 26
From: Sweden

  27.05.2006 at 23:48
@Penance: Thank you for taking th time to comment, it's really appriciated.

Back to do some commentry again, and I must thank you all who have taken the time to comment each others poems...

@Soliloguy:...Further now...
If you're afraid that it's sounding emo, don't be. I really enjoyed reading your poem. It has a simple structure but get it's hitting you like an arrow. The words run smouth and the rythm is really nice. It's many emotions melted into the poem, witch is good beacuse then it feels more natural. Keep writing!

@Renessanss...Silence Knows...
Short but very good. Silently and calm you bring the message forth but get we sense a hidden affection in it. I love the word usage be the way, not as complex as you used to write, but that wouldn't fit this poem. Those words fit the poem perfectly. Nice work!

@Icewings:...A dance in the winds...
Using the wind to presenting life changes is really nice, a really good metaphor. The first stanzas you use the moon quite alot. You hitted right at the spot! Many people find something soothing and comeforting with the moon as you nicely painting it here. Overall I think this poem was good, painting out life as an uncontrolable wind. Good work!

@Kariasakis7...Computer game...
I'm glad that you are writing poems, despite that your english is not that good. Now to the poem...It's a little hard to read but I think I like it. I need some few adjudgments(grammar and spelling) to make it run smoother, then I'm sure it would work as a good song. The theme is quite dark actually, if you can't see the diffrence between game and reality, then it's something seriously wrong. I think you really should keep writing. if you practice alot then eventually you will be good at english...

@Collacteral:...Inhumanity...
This poem is playing that humans have two sides, one good and one bad. You are focusing on the bad side: the inhumanity. Depending on certain circomstances we can transfer from being a "go(o)d" person to be a cynical and evil character. Atleast that is how I interpret you poem. It was easy to read but hard to analyze. Complex but simple at the same time. Beautiful in a way...

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