Top 10 Things To Do At A Metal Show


Written by: Thryce
Published: 09.03.2011


Lettuce be reality, going to a metal gig is one hell of a boring affair.




"Who wants a pillow? One... two... three..."


Face it, in the best case scenario you just stand there... amidst a bunch of sweaty, hairy metal dorks... watching some other dorks on a stage attempt to play some instrument... while still other dorks ninja-kick the shit out of their imaginary friends... and you still stand there, with a warm and overpriced beer in your hand... getting drunk to the point you cannot remember where you parked your freaking car.


"Happens to me all the time" you say? Well not anymore! Here are 10 insanely fun-fun-fun things to do, suitable for any bored concert-goer, clubber and opera aficionado!!! ...but mostly concert-goers.




Top 10 Things To Do At A Metal Show




#10. Eye Candy-Only

Everybody loves to watch a show-off. So get more for your money and go to shows, not concerts. (If you want top-notch quality music, just stay at home and play a CD while holding a picture of the band in front of you.) So make sure the musicians you're about to see know how to handle their instrument. The more showing off, the better.




...Or better yet, go see musicians who play their instrument nekkid. Like Nick Oliveri for example (Captain Obvious says: NSFW)



#9. Make Some Noise

Unless you're into the whole "embarrassing yourself" thing, singing along at a metal concert is only acceptable if you manage to sing louder than the music. The general rule: the more extreme the band, the more points you get if you manage to out-scream them.




Out-scream Pig Destroyer? Challenge accepted!




#8. Bring Gifts

Oh goody, my favorite band is making a stop in my home-country! Seeing I'm by far their biggest fan and the world obviously revolves around me, I'll have to let them know I'm there, right? What better way to draw their attention than throwing them a present, like my own my sister's panties or one of my own my sister's plush stuffed animals.

Or a free beer.




Tune in at 4:17 for the funny.


Or a beach ball.




Kirk had his revenge though.


Or eggs. Or gobstoppers.

However, do NOT throw any shit at Josh fucking Homme. Seriously, he'll buttfuck you in front of all of your friends.





#7. Only Go To Bret Michaels Concerts

There are several good reasons Mr. Bret Michaels deserves a statue. For one he is a total... hero! Everybody and their mom knows the charismatic Poison frontman/all-round rock 'n' roll supahstar is good-looking, smart and the epitome of masculinity. Secondly, Bret Michaels is tons of fun! But most importantly, going to a Bret Michaels concert will get you laid (no girl Barbie doll can say no to this face). If you're lucky, you might even mark a line on your STD bingo card. Go get 'em boys




TONS of fun.




#6. Propose

So you took my priceless advice and went to a Poison gig, and lo and behold, you managed to bring some skank chick to your mom's basement home. Then what? Seeing that a metalhead finding a good girlfriend is as rare as finding a non-pedophile priest, there's only one thing to do... hold on to her, fool!

Any gig will do for this one, though most wedding planners will advise you to propose on Accept shows, Metallica shows or Fear Factory shows.





#5. Bring A Wheelchair

I don't need to explain this one, it seems like a lot of fun!




Tune in at 1:51 for some crowd surfing madness.




Circle pit madness.


(N.B.: huge respect for these guys!)



#4. Advanced Diving

Probably the most popular recreational pastime of a metalhead is diving. It's adventurous, it's completely harmful and it's a great way to stay in shape.


A guide to stage diving.




A guide to epic stage diving.




A guide to breaking your teeth when stage diving.




More like Fail No More, amiright?




#3. Pick Up...

We already picked up chicks, time to pick up a fight. 'Cuz a good fight is always fun for everybody! Thankfully such Neanderthal behavior during metal shows is well documented.


Exhibit A: Cephalic Carnage, providing the perfect background music for all your fights since 1992.




Exhibit B: Mud on Hellfest, like flypaper for the people looking for a good time.




Exhibit C: Compilation of more "come at me bro" moments.






#2. Share Food

Another effective way to get yourself some more personal space in the middle of a show is by sharing what you had for dinner with the rest of the venue.




Yummy!




#1. Meet & Greet

And then finally, the moment has arrived, your favorite band takes the stage. Time for a big hug!




A big long awkward hug.




Tune in at 1:07 for the funny.




Recommended Readings:

- 101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert
- 8 Ways To Be Socially Ostracized At A Show
- The 69 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts (no guarantees though)



 


Comments page 2 / 2

Comments: 53   Visited by: 852 users
15.03.2011 - 10:57
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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15.03.2011 - 18:20
Winterthrone
Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

LOL He didn't see it comin'! Unlike the predictable cheap dramas in his stupid TV show! All the videos are priceless... But some I've seen a lot already like the Kurt Cobain one and the one where Axl Rose goes beserk over that guy with a camera in St-Louis... Very enjoyable top 10!
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16.03.2011 - 01:24
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Written by Winterthrone on 15.03.2011 at 18:20

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

LOL He didn't see it comin'! Unlike the predictable cheap dramas in his stupid TV show! All the videos are priceless...

I guess you could say... *puts on sunglasses*...He got rocked.



(sorry, Thryce. Had to use it.)
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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16.03.2011 - 01:27
Troy Killjoy
perfunctionist
Written by Doc Godin on 16.03.2011 at 01:24

(sorry, Thryce. Had to use it.)

If you didn't, I'm sure he would have.
----
Prettier than BloodTears.
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16.03.2011 - 11:23
Slayer666
Note to self:
Stay at least 10 meters away from the stage when Marduk are performing.
Instead of trying to hug them, send them kisses. Much less painful.
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16.03.2011 - 17:43
Winterthrone
Written by Doc Godin on 16.03.2011 at 01:24

Written by Winterthrone on 15.03.2011 at 18:20

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

LOL He didn't see it comin'! Unlike the predictable cheap dramas in his stupid TV show! All the videos are priceless...

I guess you could say... *puts on sunglasses*...He got rocked.



(sorry, Thryce. Had to use it.)


'(Fake serious face)I was really devastated when this piece of equipment attacked me without a warning. I really thought we had started to know each other and to evolve into a true relationship...I guess I was wrong!'-Bret
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17.03.2011 - 20:05
Panterica
Holy shit! These vids are epic!
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Li'ed - Prog-Metal from Jerusalem
https://www.facebook.com/LiedBandMusic
http://lied-band.bandcamp.com/
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25.03.2011 - 20:20
Kurty Wurty
Amatsu Mikaboshi
Written by Introspekrieg on 11.03.2011 at 05:56

I really wanted to see Nick Oliveri nekkid but the image pops up behind the videos! What to do!?


Errr I'd Right Click, Open In New Tab. See if that works, it's what I did, that is if you haven't already.
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26.03.2011 - 03:42
Thryce
Retired Staff
Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

Apparently Bret Michaels is now suing Tony Award Productions, CBS and others over this. He says the incident caused the brain hemorrhage that nearly killed him last year, and blames the producers for not instructing him on how to safely exit the stage after his performance was over.

----
Your favorite band sucks.
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26.03.2011 - 22:47
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
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26.03.2011 - 23:43
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 22:47

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.

I thought they were the same person?
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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26.03.2011 - 23:46
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:43

Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 22:47

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.

I thought they were the same person?

they do look and act (and sound, as far as i remember) alike but yeah, my outburst was kinda random(though they are at the same level of douchebagitude)
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
Loading...
26.03.2011 - 23:53
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 23:46

Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:43

Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 22:47

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.

I thought they were the same person?

they do look and act (and sound, as far as i remember) alike but yeah, my outburst was kinda random(though they are at the same level of douchebagitude)

The only difference is, Bret Michaels doesn't owe me $160.
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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27.03.2011 - 00:29
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:53

The only difference is, Bret Michaels doesn't owe me $160.

yeah, i remember you said you attended a really crappy motley crue show. i saw them last year and i dare say they were quite great (Neil's voice was still pretty shitty though) it was Wacken though, so maybe they didn't feel as arrogant as in the US where people just eat up all their shit like it's their job.
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
Loading...
27.03.2011 - 00:59
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Written by Valentin B on 27.03.2011 at 00:29

Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:53

The only difference is, Bret Michaels doesn't owe me $160.

yeah, i remember you said you attended a really crappy motley crue show. i saw them last year and i dare say they were quite great (Neil's voice was still pretty shitty though) it was Wacken though, so maybe they didn't feel as arrogant as in the US where people just eat up all their shit like it's their job.

Twice. 2 times Motley Crue ripped me off, the first time they were bad, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt and saw them again. Even shittier the second time.
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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27.09.2011 - 17:09
Oriax
Yo that was allot of vommit! But funny as fuck he just carried on hahaha!
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27.09.2011 - 19:51
The Shape 1973
Where is the table? I kind of thought that this was compulsory now.
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RIP NFFC
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27.09.2011 - 20:15
Yavanna
Written by The Shape 1973 on 27.09.2011 at 19:51

Where is the table? I kind of thought that this was compulsory now.

Don't you know ?
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth
----
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand
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27.09.2011 - 20:23
The Shape 1973
Written by Yavanna on 27.09.2011 at 20:15

Written by The Shape 1973 on 27.09.2011 at 19:51

Where is the table? I kind of thought that this was compulsory now.

Don't you know ?
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth

Soon to be followed by "I am a tent" - useful if its a festival, "I am a sandwich" - well you gotta eat and " I am a twat" - for agreeing to do an album that will wreck my career.
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RIP NFFC
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28.09.2011 - 00:35
Troy Killjoy
perfunctionist
Written by Yavanna on 27.09.2011 at 20:15
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth

I sincerely hope all audience members actually bring their own tables. I'd die of laughter.
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Prettier than BloodTears.
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28.09.2011 - 14:16
Roro
Why i didnt read this list b4!! and now after i saw these videos i'll try the audience surfing next show
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28.09.2011 - 20:56
Yavanna
Written by Troy Killjoy on 28.09.2011 at 00:35

Written by Yavanna on 27.09.2011 at 20:15
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth

I sincerely hope all audience members actually bring their own tables. I'd die of laughter.

Yes, me too... that would be very funny
But, look at the brigth side: if you can't see the show, you can always climb over your table to have a better view
----
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand
Loading...
23.02.2013 - 04:54
LICH
This was fucking hilarious , jesus haha well done
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