Top 10 Things To Do At A Metal Show

Written by: Thryce
Published: 09.03.2011
Lettuce be reality, going to a metal gig is one hell of a boring affair.




"Who wants a pillow? One... two... three..."


Face it, in the best case scenario you just stand there... amidst a bunch of sweaty, hairy metal dorks... watching some other dorks on a stage attempt to play some instrument... while still other dorks ninja-kick the shit out of their imaginary friends... and you still stand there, with a warm and overpriced beer in your hand... getting drunk to the point you cannot remember where you parked your freaking car.


"Happens to me all the time" you say? Well not anymore! Here are 10 insanely fun-fun-fun things to do, suitable for any bored concert-goer, clubber and opera aficionado!!! ...but mostly concert-goers.




Top 10 Things To Do At A Metal Show




#10. Eye Candy-Only

Everybody loves to watch a show-off. So get more for your money and go to shows, not concerts. (If you want top-notch quality music, just stay at home and play a CD while holding a picture of the band in front of you.) So make sure the musicians you're about to see know how to handle their instrument. The more showing off, the better.




...Or better yet, go see musicians who play their instrument nekkid. Like Nick Oliveri for example (Captain Obvious says: NSFW)



#9. Make Some Noise

Unless you're into the whole "embarrassing yourself" thing, singing along at a metal concert is only acceptable if you manage to sing louder than the music. The general rule: the more extreme the band, the more points you get if you manage to out-scream them.




Out-scream Pig Destroyer? Challenge accepted!




#8. Bring Gifts

Oh goody, my favorite band is making a stop in my home-country! Seeing I'm by far their biggest fan and the world obviously revolves around me, I'll have to let them know I'm there, right? What better way to draw their attention than throwing them a present, like my own my sister's panties or one of my own my sister's plush stuffed animals.

Or a free beer.




Tune in at 4:17 for the funny.


Or a beach ball.




Kirk had his revenge though.


Or eggs. Or gobstoppers.

However, do NOT throw any shit at Josh fucking Homme. Seriously, he'll buttfuck you in front of all of your friends.





#7. Only Go To Bret Michaels Concerts

There are several good reasons Mr. Bret Michaels deserves a statue. For one he is a total... hero! Everybody and their mom knows the charismatic Poison frontman/all-round rock 'n' roll supahstar is good-looking, smart and the epitome of masculinity. Secondly, Bret Michaels is tons of fun! But most importantly, going to a Bret Michaels concert will get you laid (no girl Barbie doll can say no to this face). If you're lucky, you might even mark a line on your STD bingo card. Go get 'em boys




TONS of fun.




#6. Propose

So you took my priceless advice and went to a Poison gig, and lo and behold, you managed to bring some skank chick to your mom's basement home. Then what? Seeing that a metalhead finding a good girlfriend is as rare as finding a non-pedophile priest, there's only one thing to do... hold on to her, fool!

Any gig will do for this one, though most wedding planners will advise you to propose on Accept shows, Metallica shows or Fear Factory shows.





#5. Bring A Wheelchair

I don't need to explain this one, it seems like a lot of fun!




Tune in at 1:51 for some crowd surfing madness.




Circle pit madness.


(N.B.: huge respect for these guys!)



#4. Advanced Diving

Probably the most popular recreational pastime of a metalhead is diving. It's adventurous, it's completely harmful and it's a great way to stay in shape.


A guide to stage diving.




A guide to epic stage diving.




A guide to breaking your teeth when stage diving.




More like Fail No More, amiright?




#3. Pick Up...

We already picked up chicks, time to pick up a fight. 'Cuz a good fight is always fun for everybody! Thankfully such Neanderthal behavior during metal shows is well documented.


Exhibit A: Cephalic Carnage, providing the perfect background music for all your fights since 1992.




Exhibit B: Mud on Hellfest, like flypaper for the people looking for a good time.




Exhibit C: Compilation of more "come at me bro" moments.






#2. Share Food

Another effective way to get yourself some more personal space in the middle of a show is by sharing what you had for dinner with the rest of the venue.




Yummy!




#1. Meet & Greet

And then finally, the moment has arrived, your favorite band takes the stage. Time for a big hug!




A big long awkward hug.




Tune in at 1:07 for the funny.




Recommended Readings:

- 101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert
- 8 Ways To Be Socially Ostracized At A Show
- The 69 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts (no guarantees though)


 




Comments

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Valentin B - 09.03.2011 at 20:06  
Many thanks for referring my previous scientific contributions on your distinguished paper, sir! i must say i have found it a very informative read and will be studying the video evidence more in-depth shortly!
Iluvatar - 09.03.2011 at 20:27  
Best top 10 ever.
Cryzpin - 09.03.2011 at 20:31  
The #2 video just made my day, lol. Very deep "growls" really!
Ag Fox - 09.03.2011 at 21:46  
Lots of fun indeed lmao
J. N. - 09.03.2011 at 22:01  
Hahaha, oh wow... This is great!
Promonex - 09.03.2011 at 22:40  
No love for GG Allin?
Ivor - 09.03.2011 at 23:30  
Brilliant, man! Additional note on HF. Pain of Salvation's "Disco Queen" can be heard in the background. How appropriate. And good to know I was there somewhere at the time.

I.
TrollandDie - 10.03.2011 at 00:32  
The irony is those guys in wheelchairs were paralysed in a stage diving accident.
Elodie Artour - 10.03.2011 at 00:52  
LOL LOL LOL

That's the phenomenon called "metal gigs." Once you get hooked on them, you cannot stop attending them. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's pretty hard for you to actually bear those events.

I personally haven't experienced most/any of the aforementioned situations, though. I've only given money for gifts but I've never been the one responsible for their safety.

@Vali: Educate yourself, Balkan brother! You've got plenty of useful information here...
Vitriolic Hate - 10.03.2011 at 00:55  
Introspekrieg - 10.03.2011 at 01:21  
Now that was an entertaining article... I can't believe there aren't any Nickelback fans in Portugal though...
Timmeh - 10.03.2011 at 03:07  
Hahaha, this article is just pure win!
Lit. - 10.03.2011 at 03:34  
Love the FF proposal vid.
Don't get any more metal than that.
Destructo - 10.03.2011 at 09:56  
I love the way that chick says "Hell Yeaaahh" to the proposal !!! Metal On !!! \m/\m/
And the vomit vid was cool too.
Valentin B - 10.03.2011 at 12:00  
Written by Elodie Artour on 10.03.2011 at 00:52

@Vali: Educate yourself, Balkan brother! You've got plenty of useful information here...

you seem to forget i wrote an entire list on how to behave at gigs
BudDa - 10.03.2011 at 13:46  
Haha. Josh Holme is such a queen bee..
Baz Anderson - 10.03.2011 at 14:13  
Really great article!!
Elodie Artour - 10.03.2011 at 15:16  
Written by Valentin B on 10.03.2011 at 12:00

Written by Elodie Artour on 10.03.2011 at 00:52

@Vali: Educate yourself, Balkan brother! You've got plenty of useful information here...

you seem to forget i wrote an entire list on how to behave at gigs

I haven't forgotten about that, not at all. It's just that there's always something new to learn.
!J.O.O.E.! - 10.03.2011 at 15:27  
Josh Homme needs to cheer up.
Salbitani - 10.03.2011 at 17:35  
Very funny indee
Phantom noir - 10.03.2011 at 17:48  
Hahaha...very informative, such good references
Kwis - 10.03.2011 at 20:09  
Josh PMS'd a little, lol. What a sweet article! Thanks man, had a good laugh!
Amatsu Mikaboshi - 10.03.2011 at 23:03  
THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I HAVE READ/ SEEN IN QUITE A WHILE.
Introspekrieg - 11.03.2011 at 05:56  
I really wanted to see Nick Oliveri nekkid but the image pops up behind the videos! What to do!?
Kwis - 11.03.2011 at 22:43  
Who's the band in the Fight in Pit video? Eye of the Tiger sounds sweet!
Mr. Doctor - 12.03.2011 at 02:51  
Written by Kwis on 11.03.2011 at 22:43

Who's the band in the Fight in Pit video? Eye of the Tiger sounds sweet!


Cephalic Carnage... They really did a good cover.
Amatsu Mikaboshi - 12.03.2011 at 14:16  
This is just gallons of win, I'm a bit surprised Nathan Gale wasn't mentioned in the article or that would sound like any article from ED. Which I still do love.
Kwis - 12.03.2011 at 16:27  
Written by Mr. Doctor on 12.03.2011 at 02:51


Cephalic Carnage... They really did a good cover.


Thank you Señor Doctor
DeathMetal - 14.03.2011 at 21:37  
Note to self. Don't hug guy in the last video.
ANGEL REAPER - 15.03.2011 at 01:47  
One thing is sure...dont go on stage with Marduk......they are serious...
Doc Godin - 15.03.2011 at 10:57  
Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.
Winterthrone - 15.03.2011 at 18:20  
Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

LOL He didn't see it comin'! Unlike the predictable cheap dramas in his stupid TV show! All the videos are priceless... But some I've seen a lot already like the Kurt Cobain one and the one where Axl Rose goes beserk over that guy with a camera in St-Louis... Very enjoyable top 10!
Doc Godin - 16.03.2011 at 01:24  
Written by Winterthrone on 15.03.2011 at 18:20

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

LOL He didn't see it comin'! Unlike the predictable cheap dramas in his stupid TV show! All the videos are priceless...

I guess you could say... *puts on sunglasses*...He got rocked.



(sorry, Thryce. Had to use it.)
Troy Killjoy - 16.03.2011 at 01:27  
Written by Doc Godin on 16.03.2011 at 01:24

(sorry, Thryce. Had to use it.)

If you didn't, I'm sure he would have.
Slayer666 - 16.03.2011 at 11:23  
Note to self:
Stay at least 10 meters away from the stage when Marduk are performing.
Instead of trying to hug them, send them kisses. Much less painful.
Winterthrone - 16.03.2011 at 17:43  
Written by Doc Godin on 16.03.2011 at 01:24

Written by Winterthrone on 15.03.2011 at 18:20

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

LOL He didn't see it comin'! Unlike the predictable cheap dramas in his stupid TV show! All the videos are priceless...

I guess you could say... *puts on sunglasses*...He got rocked.



(sorry, Thryce. Had to use it.)


'(Fake serious face)I was really devastated when this piece of equipment attacked me without a warning. I really thought we had started to know each other and to evolve into a true relationship...I guess I was wrong!'-Bret
Panterica - 17.03.2011 at 20:05  
Holy shit! These vids are epic!
Amatsu Mikaboshi - 25.03.2011 at 20:20  
Written by Introspekrieg on 11.03.2011 at 05:56

I really wanted to see Nick Oliveri nekkid but the image pops up behind the videos! What to do!?


Errr I'd Right Click, Open In New Tab. See if that works, it's what I did, that is if you haven't already.
Thryce - 26.03.2011 at 03:42  
Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

Apparently Bret Michaels is now suing Tony Award Productions, CBS and others over this. He says the incident caused the brain hemorrhage that nearly killed him last year, and blames the producers for not instructing him on how to safely exit the stage after his performance was over.

Valentin B - 26.03.2011 at 22:47  
Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.
Doc Godin - 26.03.2011 at 23:43  
Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 22:47

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.

I thought they were the same person?
Valentin B - 26.03.2011 at 23:46  
Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:43

Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 22:47

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.

I thought they were the same person?

they do look and act (and sound, as far as i remember) alike but yeah, my outburst was kinda random(though they are at the same level of douchebagitude)
Doc Godin - 26.03.2011 at 23:53  
Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 23:46

Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:43

Written by Valentin B on 26.03.2011 at 22:47

Written by Doc Godin on 15.03.2011 at 10:57

Bret Michaels getting clothes-lined by the back drop was priceless. I re-watched that about 6 times.

man fuck Bret Michaels, fuck Poison, but i'd really love to see it happen to that drunk-driving asshole who can't sing to save his life, you know who i'm talking about.... Vince Neil.

I thought they were the same person?

they do look and act (and sound, as far as i remember) alike but yeah, my outburst was kinda random(though they are at the same level of douchebagitude)

The only difference is, Bret Michaels doesn't owe me $160.
Valentin B - 27.03.2011 at 00:29  
Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:53

The only difference is, Bret Michaels doesn't owe me $160.

yeah, i remember you said you attended a really crappy motley crue show. i saw them last year and i dare say they were quite great (Neil's voice was still pretty shitty though) it was Wacken though, so maybe they didn't feel as arrogant as in the US where people just eat up all their shit like it's their job.
Doc Godin - 27.03.2011 at 00:59  
Written by Valentin B on 27.03.2011 at 00:29

Written by Doc Godin on 26.03.2011 at 23:53

The only difference is, Bret Michaels doesn't owe me $160.

yeah, i remember you said you attended a really crappy motley crue show. i saw them last year and i dare say they were quite great (Neil's voice was still pretty shitty though) it was Wacken though, so maybe they didn't feel as arrogant as in the US where people just eat up all their shit like it's their job.

Twice. 2 times Motley Crue ripped me off, the first time they were bad, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt and saw them again. Even shittier the second time.
Oriax - 27.09.2011 at 17:09  
Yo that was allot of vommit! But funny as fuck he just carried on hahaha!
The Shape 1973 - 27.09.2011 at 19:51  
Where is the table? I kind of thought that this was compulsory now.
Yavanna - 27.09.2011 at 20:15  
Written by The Shape 1973 on 27.09.2011 at 19:51

Where is the table? I kind of thought that this was compulsory now.

Don't you know ?
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth
The Shape 1973 - 27.09.2011 at 20:23  
Written by Yavanna on 27.09.2011 at 20:15

Written by The Shape 1973 on 27.09.2011 at 19:51

Where is the table? I kind of thought that this was compulsory now.

Don't you know ?
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth

Soon to be followed by "I am a tent" - useful if its a festival, "I am a sandwich" - well you gotta eat and " I am a twat" - for agreeing to do an album that will wreck my career.
Troy Killjoy - 28.09.2011 at 00:35  
Written by Yavanna on 27.09.2011 at 20:15
Bring your own table... Compulsory at Metallica shows hereforth

I sincerely hope all audience members actually bring their own tables. I'd die of laughter.

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