Top 10 Things To Do At A Metal Show


Written by: Thryce
Published: 09.03.2011


Lettuce be reality, going to a metal gig is one hell of a boring affair.




"Who wants a pillow? One... two... three..."


Face it, in the best case scenario you just stand there... amidst a bunch of sweaty, hairy metal dorks... watching some other dorks on a stage attempt to play some instrument... while still other dorks ninja-kick the shit out of their imaginary friends... and you still stand there, with a warm and overpriced beer in your hand... getting drunk to the point you cannot remember where you parked your freaking car.


"Happens to me all the time" you say? Well not anymore! Here are 10 insanely fun-fun-fun things to do, suitable for any bored concert-goer, clubber and opera aficionado!!! ...but mostly concert-goers.




Top 10 Things To Do At A Metal Show




#10. Eye Candy-Only

Everybody loves to watch a show-off. So get more for your money and go to shows, not concerts. (If you want top-notch quality music, just stay at home and play a CD while holding a picture of the band in front of you.) So make sure the musicians you're about to see know how to handle their instrument. The more showing off, the better.




...Or better yet, go see musicians who play their instrument nekkid. Like Nick Oliveri for example (Captain Obvious says: NSFW)



#9. Make Some Noise

Unless you're into the whole "embarrassing yourself" thing, singing along at a metal concert is only acceptable if you manage to sing louder than the music. The general rule: the more extreme the band, the more points you get if you manage to out-scream them.




Out-scream Pig Destroyer? Challenge accepted!




#8. Bring Gifts

Oh goody, my favorite band is making a stop in my home-country! Seeing I'm by far their biggest fan and the world obviously revolves around me, I'll have to let them know I'm there, right? What better way to draw their attention than throwing them a present, like my own my sister's panties or one of my own my sister's plush stuffed animals.

Or a free beer.




Tune in at 4:17 for the funny.


Or a beach ball.




Kirk had his revenge though.


Or eggs. Or gobstoppers.

However, do NOT throw any shit at Josh fucking Homme. Seriously, he'll buttfuck you in front of all of your friends.





#7. Only Go To Bret Michaels Concerts

There are several good reasons Mr. Bret Michaels deserves a statue. For one he is a total... hero! Everybody and their mom knows the charismatic Poison frontman/all-round rock 'n' roll supahstar is good-looking, smart and the epitome of masculinity. Secondly, Bret Michaels is tons of fun! But most importantly, going to a Bret Michaels concert will get you laid (no girl Barbie doll can say no to this face). If you're lucky, you might even mark a line on your STD bingo card. Go get 'em boys




TONS of fun.




#6. Propose

So you took my priceless advice and went to a Poison gig, and lo and behold, you managed to bring some skank chick to your mom's basement home. Then what? Seeing that a metalhead finding a good girlfriend is as rare as finding a non-pedophile priest, there's only one thing to do... hold on to her, fool!

Any gig will do for this one, though most wedding planners will advise you to propose on Accept shows, Metallica shows or Fear Factory shows.





#5. Bring A Wheelchair

I don't need to explain this one, it seems like a lot of fun!




Tune in at 1:51 for some crowd surfing madness.




Circle pit madness.


(N.B.: huge respect for these guys!)



#4. Advanced Diving

Probably the most popular recreational pastime of a metalhead is diving. It's adventurous, it's completely harmful and it's a great way to stay in shape.


A guide to stage diving.




A guide to epic stage diving.




A guide to breaking your teeth when stage diving.




More like Fail No More, amiright?




#3. Pick Up...

We already picked up chicks, time to pick up a fight. 'Cuz a good fight is always fun for everybody! Thankfully such Neanderthal behavior during metal shows is well documented.


Exhibit A: Cephalic Carnage, providing the perfect background music for all your fights since 1992.




Exhibit B: Mud on Hellfest, like flypaper for the people looking for a good time.




Exhibit C: Compilation of more "come at me bro" moments.






#2. Share Food

Another effective way to get yourself some more personal space in the middle of a show is by sharing what you had for dinner with the rest of the venue.




Yummy!




#1. Meet & Greet

And then finally, the moment has arrived, your favorite band takes the stage. Time for a big hug!




A big long awkward hug.




Tune in at 1:07 for the funny.




Recommended Readings:

- 101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert
- 8 Ways To Be Socially Ostracized At A Show
- The 69 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts (no guarantees though)



 


Comments

Comments: 53   Visited by: 852 users
09.03.2011 - 20:06
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Many thanks for referring my previous scientific contributions on your distinguished paper, sir! i must say i have found it a very informative read and will be studying the video evidence more in-depth shortly!
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
Loading...
09.03.2011 - 20:27
Iluvatar
Account deleted
Best top 10 ever.
Loading...
09.03.2011 - 20:31
Cryzpin
The #2 video just made my day, lol. Very deep "growls" really!
Loading...
09.03.2011 - 21:46
Ag Fox
Angel No More
Lots of fun indeed lmao
----
loves 小巫
Loading...
09.03.2011 - 22:01
J. N.
Hahaha, oh wow... This is great!
----
Demetrius: Villain, what hast thou done?
Aaron: That which thou canst not undo.
Chiron: Thou hast undone our mother.
Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother.
- William Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus: Act 4, Scene 2 (1593)
Loading...
09.03.2011 - 22:40
Promonex
Cathemeral
No love for GG Allin?
----
All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now.
- The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841 Ch. 26
Loading...
09.03.2011 - 23:30
Ivor
Staff
Brilliant, man! Additional note on HF. Pain of Salvation's "Disco Queen" can be heard in the background. How appropriate. And good to know I was there somewhere at the time.

I.
----
No friends for playing games
No foes who scorn my name
Computerized machines of steel and rust
/---/
No friends in my house on Mars
No foes in my house on Mars
I was born in my house on Mars
I will die in my house on Mars
-- Ayreon - My House on Mars
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 00:32
TrollandDie
The irony is those guys in wheelchairs were paralysed in a stage diving accident.
----
Hello, my name is Mr......Snrub and I think it would be a capital idea to invest the money back in the nuclear plant.
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 00:52
Elodie Artour
Slania
LOL LOL LOL

That's the phenomenon called "metal gigs." Once you get hooked on them, you cannot stop attending them. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's pretty hard for you to actually bear those events.

I personally haven't experienced most/any of the aforementioned situations, though. I've only given money for gifts but I've never been the one responsible for their safety.

@Vali: Educate yourself, Balkan brother! You've got plenty of useful information here...
----
Speak up dear 'cause I cannot hear you...
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 00:55
Vitriolic Hate
Chaos Reaper
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 01:21
Introspekrieg
Totemic Lust
Now that was an entertaining article... I can't believe there aren't any Nickelback fans in Portugal though...
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 03:07
Timmeh
Dudeman
Hahaha, this article is just pure win!
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 03:34
Lit. Metalhead
Account deleted
Love the FF proposal vid.
Don't get any more metal than that.
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 09:56
Destructo
I love the way that chick says "Hell Yeaaahh" to the proposal !!! Metal On !!! \m/\m/
And the vomit vid was cool too.
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 12:00
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Written by Elodie Artour on 10.03.2011 at 00:52

@Vali: Educate yourself, Balkan brother! You've got plenty of useful information here...

you seem to forget i wrote an entire list on how to behave at gigs
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 13:46
BudDa
Haha. Josh Holme is such a queen bee..
----
Freeze! Step away from the hubris.
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 14:13
Baz Anderson
Really great article!!
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 15:16
Elodie Artour
Slania
Written by Valentin B on 10.03.2011 at 12:00

Written by Elodie Artour on 10.03.2011 at 00:52

@Vali: Educate yourself, Balkan brother! You've got plenty of useful information here...

you seem to forget i wrote an entire list on how to behave at gigs

I haven't forgotten about that, not at all. It's just that there's always something new to learn.
----
Speak up dear 'cause I cannot hear you...
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 15:27
!J.O.O.E.!
Defunct
Josh Homme needs to cheer up.
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 17:35
Salbitani
Very funny indee
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 17:48
Phantom noir
Hahaha...very informative, such good references
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 20:09
Kwis
Josh PMS'd a little, lol. What a sweet article! Thanks man, had a good laugh!
Loading...
10.03.2011 - 23:03
Kurty Wurty
Amatsu Mikaboshi
THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I HAVE READ/ SEEN IN QUITE A WHILE.
Loading...
11.03.2011 - 05:56
Introspekrieg
Totemic Lust
I really wanted to see Nick Oliveri nekkid but the image pops up behind the videos! What to do!?
Loading...
11.03.2011 - 22:43
Kwis
Who's the band in the Fight in Pit video? Eye of the Tiger sounds sweet!
Loading...
12.03.2011 - 02:51
Mr. Doctor
Skandino
Written by Kwis on 11.03.2011 at 22:43

Who's the band in the Fight in Pit video? Eye of the Tiger sounds sweet!


Cephalic Carnage... They really did a good cover.
----
Written by BloodTears on 19.08.2011 at 18:29
Like you could kiss my ass
Written by Milena on 20.06.2012 at 10:49
Rod, let me love you.
Loading...
12.03.2011 - 14:16
Kurty Wurty
Amatsu Mikaboshi
This is just gallons of win, I'm a bit surprised Nathan Gale wasn't mentioned in the article or that would sound like any article from ED. Which I still do love.
Loading...
12.03.2011 - 16:27
Kwis
Written by Mr. Doctor on 12.03.2011 at 02:51


Cephalic Carnage... They really did a good cover.


Thank you Señor Doctor
Loading...
14.03.2011 - 21:37
DeathMetal
Note to self. Don't hug guy in the last video.
Loading...
15.03.2011 - 01:47
ANGEL REAPER
One thing is sure...dont go on stage with Marduk......they are serious...
----
"Cross is only an iron,hope is just an illusion,freedom is nothing but a name..."
"Build your walls of the dead stone...Build your roofs of a dead wood..Build your dreams of a dead thoughts"
Loading...

Advertise on Metal Storm

Hits total: 22809 | This month: 73