101 rules of Black metal

Posted by: Ivan
Date: 23.09.2006

 
9.1 | 61 votes
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

by Harry and Steve of Kail




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mara - 23.05.2007 at 19:07  
i'm mad!!!!!!!!!!
i love dani filth and mortiis
Nazeef - 01.06.2007 at 17:26  
Well, I think this topic was attracted by almost Black Metal Fans. While, in fact, Black Metal has no fans, it has Servants...
This rules were made to make fun of Black metal, focusing on the point the guys insisted on.
I love Black Metal, I need Black Metal, but I'm not devoured by Black Metal.
It seems to me like a smell which the wind carries, as it passes through your mind you load the whole spiritual status.
These rules unmasked the ephemere musical and cultural aspect of Black Metal, that entered history.
Black Metal as a music has no continuation
Black Metal as a music is only a modulation
Black Metal as a culture, belief, religion, whatever related to your Brain is like a sterile old dead father, who had no sons, and whose cries still ringing in our ears, but what we hear are only echoes....
UNFORTUNATELY, in my coutry, the situation and the stereotype still the same: CLOWNS...but with Monochromatic Make-up.
And if Britney used to be Silly, Trivial and Happy
BM used to be a little less Silly, A little less Trivial and SAD...
Carrion - 02.06.2007 at 12:20  
Written by Guest on 29.04.2007 at 01:56

8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
haha thats usally me ...

14. Don't be Dani Filth.
there is nothing wrong with Dani Filth ppl....... just he isnt really black metal....

30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

again nothing wrong with either of them.. they just not really black metal...


as for the rest of that ..what the hell?.... some funny parts .. but half of that just made no sence at all....:noidea:

That's the idea It's supposed to sound weird and exaggerated, because the so called true black metallers are ridicolous with their thoughts of what is kvlt and what is not. Besides the rules are a joke
orathac - 06.06.2007 at 20:12  
wow nice work
dekabreak - 11.06.2007 at 08:59  
wtf hehehe that's got me laughing out loud for hours.
Lathronniel - 15.06.2007 at 16:20  
heh f.. danny that's true about him!
Lust of Sisyphus - 15.06.2007 at 22:56  
amusing indeed
Abattoir - 16.06.2007 at 15:44  
stick your dick in the mashed potatoes...hehe ... azmazing rules
natassja - 11.07.2007 at 19:53  
102.don't be dani filth(to be really sure)
103.don't say dimmu borgir are black metal
103.don't be dani filth(really,really sure)
:lol::lol::beer2:
Deus Ex Machina - 12.07.2007 at 03:35  
All people who aren't "true" are gay

You speaketh the truth.
I think that should go without saying.
Ellie - 29.08.2007 at 19:35  
I laugh so hard every time I read this. Anyways if you like this..then you probably would like this..

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Black_metal
Fane - 14.09.2007 at 13:55  
I should print this and put it to my school's doors.
Olli - 30.09.2007 at 22:26  
lol thats great
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!) XD
Not too sure about the mashed potatos one tho? lol
Lord TJ - 07.11.2007 at 20:46  
Look what I found...
http://www.digg.com/music/101_Rules_of_Black_Metal
Varegan - 09.12.2007 at 02:21  
102-when you are bassist in a band, try to kill its guitarist with a blunt knife.
103-VW golf is the best car for fleeing
BurbotsRevenge - 13.12.2007 at 02:39  
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.

good one
BurbotsRevenge - 13.12.2007 at 02:41  
Written by Lord TJ on 07.11.2007 at 20:46

Look what I found...
http://www.digg.com/music/101_Rules_of_Black_Metal


that was submitted ages after this one... very interesting...
DoomGuard - 18.12.2007 at 23:19  
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

These probably made me laugh louder than the others...tis funny stuff
Mr. Doctor - 02.01.2008 at 12:31  
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.

Or sodomize her and record the screams!!!!! [That was an alternative version of that rule... I have seen this list before in Spanish ajajjaja]

8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
[Now Iknow what I have to do with my hamster... HELL YEAH!

This rules were hilarious!!! xDDDD
selken - 03.02.2008 at 05:42  
Quote:

94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.


Damn, Those records are even dusty
Mr.Tugboat ;) - 03.03.2008 at 14:34  
dont be gay thats a good rule
MetalShadow - 02.04.2008 at 19:20  
This made me laugh so much!!!!
Great list!!!:thumbup::necro::D
peterjohnvernon - 02.04.2008 at 23:33  
that was quite hilarious, you'll find my personal opinion about this in my profile coments xD
Psychita - 04.04.2008 at 07:27  
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.


I laughed so much!
Hangar XVIII - 08.04.2008 at 16:19  
102. No jewelry is allowed. Unless it has been bathed in the blood of christ, and/or was found in an ancient tomb off the coast of Norway.
frankeli - 07.05.2008 at 12:16  
Hahahahahaha, you guys are insane ... )
Dagorwen - 27.05.2008 at 19:54  
It's SO true!!!! (in any meaning of the adjectif hahaha!)
Ragana - 03.06.2008 at 10:53  
lol, funny.
Quote:
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
-Soulreaper- - 01.07.2008 at 18:57  
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

I laughed my ass off when I read that one.
Caza-Kunt - 19.07.2008 at 06:16  
Omg That Was So Fxcking Funny.'
Valentin B - 24.07.2008 at 17:10  
"Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed."

lol, those people really piss me off at concerts
kayla - 01.08.2008 at 09:15  
4. Be grim.
this is cult as shit
Uirapuru - 02.08.2008 at 06:47  
''71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!''

Couldn't be more right

now... what does it mean??? .... i mean.... NORSK ARYSK BLAK METAL!! RAAAAAHHHH!!
crimsonmoon - 11.08.2008 at 00:40  
Written by mara on 23.05.2007 at 19:07

i'm mad!!!!!!!!!!
i love dani filth and mortiis

dani IS amazing
Mr. Doctor - 11.08.2008 at 14:17  
Written by Uirapuru on 02.08.2008 at 06:47

''71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!''

Couldn't be more right

now... what does it mean???


I suppose it has something to do with the fact that Darkthrone put "Norsk Arysk Black Metal" on the back of the album TH and it became a big problem because a lot of people though that they were rasist"nazist and that kind of thing.
Macedonia - 13.08.2008 at 13:22  
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

it is very clear!!!!!!!!
Oracle - 26.08.2008 at 05:50  
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.

LeChron James - 11.10.2008 at 22:32  
LOLZ the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. KVLT as fuck, well done ivan.
crimsonmoon - 16.11.2008 at 23:33  
Written by Nazeef on 01.06.2007 at 17:26

Well, I think this topic was attracted by almost Black Metal Fans. While, in fact, Black Metal has no fans, it has Servants...
This rules were made to make fun of Black metal, focusing on the point the guys insisted on.
I love Black Metal, I need Black Metal, but I'm not devoured by Black Metal.
It seems to me like a smell which the wind carries, as it passes through your mind you load the whole spiritual status.
These rules unmasked the ephemere musical and cultural aspect of Black Metal, that entered history.
Black Metal as a music has no continuation
Black Metal as a music is only a modulation
Black Metal as a culture, belief, religion, whatever related to your Brain is like a sterile old dead father, who had no sons, and whose cries still ringing in our ears, but what we hear are only echoes....
UNFORTUNATELY, in my coutry, the situation and the stereotype still the same: CLOWNS...but with Monochromatic Make-up.
And if Britney used to be Silly, Trivial and Happy
BM used to be a little less Silly, A little less Trivial and SAD...

where did you copy and paste that from?:necro:
enanox - 04.12.2008 at 15:46  
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.

hahaha ROFL


1. Don't be gay.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

i would resume all of them in a single statement:
1. Don't be Gaahl

HAHAHA

89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)

meh... gaahl you all!!

EDIT: i forgot the rule 102. Varg Vikernes is GOD, unless you are Satanist, Paganist or belong to any Norwegian-pre Christian kvlt
JayEstonio - 21.01.2009 at 17:12  
That was funny as hell...
AiwiAstwihad - 16.02.2009 at 20:02  
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.


Believe it or not, Chemistry class works better...
Kitty-Thirteen - 20.02.2009 at 19:03  
Haha, very funny..
it - 21.03.2009 at 22:37  
Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

lool )

very funny )
THE_BLACK_GOD - 12.04.2009 at 16:18  
funny so funny- funny funn y funnn
+
102. Death Cult Armagedon, In Sorte Diaboli (look at #87)
103. In your music videos you have to hide behind a tree or a hill, then come with your eyes opened till they burst as well.
104. Lay on earth in the middle of the woods and scream.
105. Gaahl .... you all(gay you all) be dani filth but not Gaaaahl
106. Gays would knifed in the woods!!!!!!
Winterfog - 15.04.2009 at 20:30  
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
Slayer666 - 20.05.2009 at 17:18  
Written by Guest on 29.08.2007 at 19:35

I laugh so hard every time I read this. Anyways if you like this..then you probably would like this..

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Black_metal

Shit, I feel so bad for reading this.... But I can't stop, it's way too funny!

"Trolling a black metal fan is rather simple. Simply bash Darkthrone, Mayhem, and Immortal and talk about how great Cradle of Filth is. This will provoke almost all black metallers into a fit of rage. Be warned that some especially tr00 black metal fans aren't kidding about that whole evil priest burning stuff. Don't be surprise if you wake up to find your dog dead with a pentagram carved into its side. Or if you find yourself dead."
Mr. Doctor - 20.05.2009 at 19:45  
Written by Slayer666 on 20.05.2009 at 17:18

Or if you find yourself dead."


LOL... I have been in the situation a lot of times... Yeah

AbdelioR - 05.06.2009 at 13:22  
Freaking lol haha. So funny.

17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
Joey Filth - 01.09.2009 at 21:36  
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

Lovely! That's fucking hilarious

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