101 rules of Black metal



101 rules of Black metal

Posted by: Ivan
Date: 23.09.2006

 
9.1 | 62 votes
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

by Harry and Steve of Kail




Comments page 2 / 5

Comments: 122   Visited by: 1004 users
02.01.2007 - 15:55
Paganblood
The Aryaputra
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
What about Nargaroth's Protastanica shooting angels
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that which shines without names and forms...
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04.01.2007 - 14:29
oliviaa
tr00 nekro kvlt grim frostbitten!!!!!1 raahhh!
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12.01.2007 - 01:08
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

What?!
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"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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12.01.2007 - 03:42
RYLIUK
Account deleted
When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned. ... yeaahhh great one... take it in count when completely or parcialy drunk in a metal bar too.... better if it is just after a fight youy started with the first poser you saw.....:drunk:
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13.02.2007 - 09:52
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Quote:
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).


What about Belphegors 'Pestapokalypse VI' or Gorgoroths 'twilight of the idols' or Mayhems 'DeathCrush' or Keep of Kalessins 'Armada' or anything done by Catamenia?
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"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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13.02.2007 - 11:01
Eight
Shapeshifter
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.

So true
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Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God."

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
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13.02.2007 - 23:03
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Written by Eight on 13.02.2007 at 11:01

59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.

So true


lol yeah. except mine was done in religious studies.....which makes it even more tr00. lol.
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"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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13.03.2007 - 13:22
Eight
Shapeshifter
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
I've been watching you blackhead lately, that is so true
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Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God."

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
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16.03.2007 - 06:27
blackmagic567
Account deleted
genious and hilarious
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20.03.2007 - 14:20
Eight
Shapeshifter
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
Ok.. i can understand it with the pie, but this one is just wierd.
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Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God."

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
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24.03.2007 - 07:58
FrOsTmOuRnE 0_o
Account deleted
LOL number 25 made me fall off my chair
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04.04.2007 - 00:13
|Angela|
Account deleted
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".

That one was the best. Dont forget to add Death Cult Armageddon as well lol. Typical of Dimmu I think.
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04.04.2007 - 11:02
APOHAKC
The Bard
First rule and I already screwed, I will never be true Black Metaler ...
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They say that we are gone but I can't let you down
The heathen faith will rise again we won't fail now
I know we cannot die forever is our time
Give my people back to me free from Christianity!!!!
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10.04.2007 - 14:38
anti
Account deleted
haha that was awesome
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10.04.2007 - 18:39
Martinikuss
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
Thats great necro idea !
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28.04.2007 - 06:47
-DC-002-
Mastercommander
Got kinda lame near the end but it was intresting
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Coldgrits
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29.04.2007 - 01:56
(s)A!N
Account deleted
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
haha thats usally me ...

14. Don't be Dani Filth.
there is nothing wrong with Dani Filth ppl....... just he isnt really black metal....

30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

again nothing wrong with either of them.. they just not really black metal...


as for the rest of that ..what the hell?.... some funny parts .. but half of that just made no sence at all....:noidea:
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04.05.2007 - 14:17
satanic_chick
Account deleted
Nice rules dude. How about one aiming for female black metallers?
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12.05.2007 - 02:45
mightyegg
Account deleted
awsome rulez smea the best were
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed

soma these and i was off mi chair rofl
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17.05.2007 - 14:10
Lathronniel
Ha!one friend-Artemis on joke said tome,from all these rules,i obay 100 of them
Satar si e Satar!
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I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned 'wilith...
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23.05.2007 - 19:07
mara
i'm mad!!!!!!!!!!
i love dani filth and mortiis
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01.06.2007 - 17:26
Nazeef
Well, I think this topic was attracted by almost Black Metal Fans. While, in fact, Black Metal has no fans, it has Servants...
This rules were made to make fun of Black metal, focusing on the point the guys insisted on.
I love Black Metal, I need Black Metal, but I'm not devoured by Black Metal.
It seems to me like a smell which the wind carries, as it passes through your mind you load the whole spiritual status.
These rules unmasked the ephemere musical and cultural aspect of Black Metal, that entered history.
Black Metal as a music has no continuation
Black Metal as a music is only a modulation
Black Metal as a culture, belief, religion, whatever related to your Brain is like a sterile old dead father, who had no sons, and whose cries still ringing in our ears, but what we hear are only echoes....
UNFORTUNATELY, in my coutry, the situation and the stereotype still the same: CLOWNS...but with Monochromatic Make-up.
And if Britney used to be Silly, Trivial and Happy
BM used to be a little less Silly, A little less Trivial and SAD...
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http://www.myspace.com/shallishine
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02.06.2007 - 12:20
Carrion
Account deleted
Written by Guest on 29.04.2007 at 01:56

8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
haha thats usally me ...

14. Don't be Dani Filth.
there is nothing wrong with Dani Filth ppl....... just he isnt really black metal....

30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

again nothing wrong with either of them.. they just not really black metal...


as for the rest of that ..what the hell?.... some funny parts .. but half of that just made no sence at all....:noidea:

That's the idea It's supposed to sound weird and exaggerated, because the so called true black metallers are ridicolous with their thoughts of what is kvlt and what is not. Besides the rules are a joke
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06.06.2007 - 20:12
orathac
Account deleted
wow nice work
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11.06.2007 - 08:59
dekabreak
Account deleted
wtf hehehe that's got me laughing out loud for hours.
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15.06.2007 - 16:20
Lathronniel
heh f.. danny that's true about him!
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I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned 'wilith...
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15.06.2007 - 22:56
Lust of Sisyphus
Account deleted
amusing indeed
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16.06.2007 - 15:44
Abattoir
stick your dick in the mashed potatoes...hehe ... azmazing rules
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11.07.2007 - 19:53
natassja
Account deleted
102.don't be dani filth(to be really sure)
103.don't say dimmu borgir are black metal
103.don't be dani filth(really,really sure)
:lol::lol::beer2:
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12.07.2007 - 03:35
Deus Ex Machina
All people who aren't "true" are gay

You speaketh the truth.
I think that should go without saying.
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