101 rules of Folk metal

Posted by: NiederHaven
Date: 30.10.2009

 
4.6 | 30 votes
101 rules of Heathen/Folk-metal

1. Be "Folkish"
2. Be "mythical"
3. Tune your violin only once…
4. ...ever!
5. Accordion is folkish
6. Thor is your mentor!
7. Polka is funny, not stupid.
8. If you can, be Finntroll…
9. If you can't be Finntroll…. Be Moonsorrow.
10. On second thought, if you can't be, don't try to copy! …you just can't!
11. Beer is "folkish"
12. Only mushrooms do as drugs… nothing else!
13. Look like a troll
14. …at least on stage
15. All "Folk"-metal albums shall at least feature on song about Trolls!
16. Only drink beer or mjød from a horn
17. Always walk once a day in the woods…
18. Need inspiration? Walk in woods…
19. Gåte is NOT heathen…
20. nor is a unicorn..
21. Look angry…
22. Be angry…
23. If not angry, play your guitar…
24. Always feature a "same-joik" on your album
25. Draw your own album covers…
26. ...should be inspired by Kittelsen or other "true" troll-fathers!
27. If you can't draw…learn!
28. Every band must have at least ONE drinking-song on each album! Not optional!
29. Always relate to Vikings
30. Lyrics must to be "mythical"…and "Nordic"… Always!
31. Own a hammer… a BIG one!
32. If you can't get a hammer, get a sword… a BIG one!
33. ...not a gay sword.
34. With other words… don't be Rhapsody!
35. Read Folk-lore daily.
36. Religion is a sin, every last one of them.
37. Have stage-names like: "Trollhorn", "Thundra", "Nitrist" and all names including "grim" will do.
38. go by the names in your daily life to…
39. If you need a real job, work in the kindergarten. Kids respect trolls!
40. Remember… only Norway is the "true" home of the trolls…
41. Be from Norway…
42. if you're not, say you are…
43. not optional.
44. other Nordic lands will also do, but always say you have relatives from Norway…
45. Regarding rule #44 that's cool.
46. Be in at least 2 "Heathen/Folk"-metal bands.
47. Arrange drinking trips to your cottage with other band members weekly!
48. Touring is drinking…
49. Even in Japan.
50. See rule #8
51. Wear clothes that blends with nature…
52. but don't over-do it! You're not an Ent!
53. See rule #11
54. War-paint is good, but don't make it look like it's been painted on…
55. "Blood" will also do…
56. Look as if you come straight from the battle field
57. at least on stage!
58. go hunting just for food…not for fun!
59. shopping is not "folkish" or "mythical"
60. see rules #1 to #59
61. Natur-sounds is a good way to kick off the album…
62. Howling wolves sounds good, but not if you try to imitate!
63. acoustic instruments are ok… but don't over-do it.
64. Make an acoustic album.
65. If you don't have a mouth-harp, go back to your day job!
66. Mouth-harps are a must!
67. Always think about rule #19 & #20
68. Always stick to your native language!
69. even if you're Italian or Spanish… Latin may also do…
70. Don't start a "heathen/folk" metal band in USA…
71. because you're not "folkish" enough!
72. Don't hesitate to growl. GRRRAAWW!!!
73. A female vocal may be cool, but not Tarja!
74. …do ask her though, but tell her it was a joke afterwards!
75. Orcs are NOT "folkish"… but still cool… because their ugly.
76. All in your band should be ugly!
77. Even the women, if you have any…
78. Villages is always a cool thing, but not castles… see rule #34
79. The nearest you come to "folkish" in Tolkien's world is "Gimli"!
80. Hence, do grow a beard!
81. Never shave… any part of your body!
82. Norway is a small country, only room for trolls!
83. Don't come unless you look like one!
84. Drink a beer, as we salute the end of Gåte!
85. See rule #19 & #20
86. Don't be positive.
87. Don't be open minded.
88. Go here: http://www.moonsorrow.com/2005/mainpage.html -> FAQ -> Concerning Mead
89. see rule #16
90. Pagan's Mind is not "Heathen", don't be Pagan's Mind! But be Pagan minded!
91. The forest rules!
92. Regarding rule #91 …even Elk-drops!
93. On stage… use antlers as a part of your outfit!
94. Spit a lot, but not while consuming beer or mjød.
95. Barfing is "folkish"
96. On second thought… screw rule #95
97. Screw Gåte… and Pagan's Mind.
98. Comment to rule #90: Your band name must relate to your music! Or genre!
99. Use a choir to shout "HEY!" at least twice on your album.
100. You're allowed to use a synth, but make it sound authentic!
101. Swing the Trollhammer and repeat the rules!




Comments

‹‹ Back to the Funny stuff
Comments: 16  
Users visited: 365  
Search this topic:  


The Shape 1973 - 30.10.2009 at 21:28  
Rule 102 Don't wash...ever, the more mature the smell the more folkish.
Rule 103 Only wear clothes made from things you have killed on tour.
Rule 104 Hold all concerts in a forest, or on a longboat...thats on fire.
NiederHaven - 30.10.2009 at 21:58  
Just a note... Cuz I was alerted, so I must say a thing..
This text is a copy of what that is posted at http://www.alienlovespredator.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1152.
This is not my own text, it was made by Munchkin, a german fella.
I'm truly sorry about this big mistake..
JD - 03.11.2009 at 13:03  
It's silly
Got Mayhem? - 03.11.2009 at 18:57  
Most of this doesn't make sense...
82. Norway is a small country, only room for trolls!

6. Thor is your mentor!
36. Religion is a sin, every last one of them.

63. acoustic instruments are ok… but don't over-do it.
64. Make an acoustic album.

Contradictory much?
NiederHaven - 03.11.2009 at 19:02  
That's the point! This is JUST A FUN POST!
Thunderdrake - 04.11.2009 at 04:01  
There should probably be separate rules lists for Folk Metal and Viking Metal, just a thought. This is alright though, could've used a little improvement, but alright.
GT - 19.11.2009 at 14:27  
There are way to many "filler" rules like the ones just saying "...at least on stage". Some of the things are quite funny though
Warman - 19.11.2009 at 15:34  
Why is Norway the true Folk country? They've been a part of either Denmark and Sweden most of the time.
GT - 24.11.2009 at 15:48  
Written by Warman on 19.11.2009 at 15:34

Why is Norway the true Folk country? They've been a part of either Denmark and Sweden most of the time.

Hell yeah...Norway is the bitch of Scandinavia
Warman - 24.11.2009 at 15:52  
Written by GT on 24.11.2009 at 15:48

Written by Warman on 19.11.2009 at 15:34

Why is Norway the true Folk country? They've been a part of either Denmark and Sweden most of the time.

Hell yeah...Norway is the bitch of Scandinavia

Totally!
Krankheit - 06.12.2009 at 00:45  
Written by Warman on 24.11.2009 at 15:52

Written by GT on 24.11.2009 at 15:48

Written by Warman on 19.11.2009 at 15:34

Why is Norway the true Folk country? They've been a part of either Denmark and Sweden most of the time.

Hell yeah...Norway is the bitch of Scandinavia

Totally!


You are only saying this because you are jealous of our oil, fjords and mighty mountains
Jan - 06.12.2009 at 00:54  
No... but we know you like to think that...
Warman - 06.12.2009 at 11:38  
Hahaha! Agreed Jan!
Vitriolic Hate - 10.03.2010 at 03:37  
Written by Got Mayhem? on 03.11.2009 at 18:57

Most of this doesn't make sense...
82. Norway is a small country, only room for trolls!

6. Thor is your mentor!
36. Religion is a sin, every last one of them.

63. acoustic instruments are ok… but don't over-do it.
64. Make an acoustic album.

Contradictory much?

haha totally
Wishmaster - 21.08.2010 at 17:19  
I don't like this list. Only a few rules were funny, but other than that, there are a lot of exaggeration here.
LeChron James - 13.01.2011 at 13:43  
Hahahaha

59. shopping is not "folkish" or "mythical"

Advertise on Metal Storm


Login or register to post here.



Similar topics

Forum Topic Similarity Started
Funny stuff 101 rules of Deathcore 8 29.07.2009 by DayFly
Funny stuff 101 Rules Of Being A Metal Storm Album Reviewer 8 02.09.2010 by DayFly
Funny stuff 101 rules of Death metal 7.5 29.10.2006 by
Funny stuff The Epic Sequel to the 101 Rules of Power metal 7.5 03.10.2006 by
Funny stuff 101 Rules Of Viking Metal 7.5 09.08.2014 by M C Vice



Hits total: 14146 | This month: 146