101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert

Posted by: Dangerboner
Date: 24.02.2010

 
9.2 | 53 votes
1. Wear the band's shirt that you are there to see, even though it's already obvious
2. Go to the merch stand, stare forever while holding back the line, then leave without buying anything
3. When a musician gives you the microphone to scream a lyric, just yell random nonsense because you don't know the lyrics
4. Be too drunk to remember lyrics… or the show afterwards
5. Sing along loudly during ballads
6. Always mosh! This is non-negotiable
7. Lose your wallet
8. Get drunk
9. Yell a song that you want to hear, even though the band already played it
10. Bring your girlfriend to the show so she can hold your coat while you mosh
11. Swing your long, sexy metal hair even if it hits other people in their faces, but make sure not to wash it before hand
12. Don't headbang unless you have long hair
13. Don't bother to wear earplugs
14. Make out with your girlfriend in front of everyone
15. Since you are a pathetic, desperate metal head, violate any female that crowd-surfs. It's not sexual assault if no one sees it!
16. Be more brutal in the pit than a poodle with a sex change
17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view
18. Take pictures of the band playing with your shitty cell phone and then post them on your MySpace
19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube
20. Talk on your cell phone while a band is playing, plug one hear with your finger, and try to shout over the music
21. But then later, lose your cell phone
22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit
23. Guys don't care if they rub against sweaty, shirtless men, as long as they're METAL HEADS
24. During a fast and epic guitar solos, raise your hand and move your fingers really fast
25. During a really brutal or epic part of a song, hold up one open, clenched palm up in the air
26. Be more brutal in the pit than a zombie three-some
27. Fart next to a smelly, fat metal head and blame it on him
28. If you're too much of a pussy to mosh, then act tough by standing at the edge of the pit and push random moshers
29. Skip like a little school girl in the circle pit
30. Throw up your booze in the mosh pit - making the ground slippery only makes the show more brutal
31. Spend more money on alcohol than merch
32. Don't show up for the opening bands - the only bands that deserve your attention are the headliners
33. You must see Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom live every time they come to your city!
34. You cannot get the full concert experience with ear plugs - save them for the opening metalcore band
35. Don't bother with deodorant - you're going to mosh too hard for it to stay on anyways
36. Push as forward as you can during the headlining band to get as close as possible
37. Close male-to-male touching isn't gay at a metal concert
38. Girls shouldn't mosh unless they're lesbian
39. Be more brutal in the pit than 2 Girls 1 Snowcone Machine
40. A concert is always more important than your job
41. Be more brutal than your penile implant melting in the hot sun
42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show
43. When crowd surfing, don't bother controlling your feet
44. People in the crowd don't mind getting kicked in the face
45. If you're huge and fat, don't be afraid to stage dive
46. The short, nerdy, folk metal fan will surely catch your fat ass
47. Be more brutal in the pit than The Jonas Brothers attempting gutturals
48. Anytime the vocalist announces the name of the next song, scream in excitement, even though you aren't familiar with it
49. Wear as much metal jewelry as possible
50. Metal spikes, studs, bracelets, etc. are acceptable even if they can cause serious injury and deadly impalement
51. Beat up the kid in the crowd who is wearing the As I Lay Dying shirt
52. Act tough while standing by yourself, while wearing your Trivium shirt and expensive Hot Topic pants
53. Try to sneak in the bar even if you're underage
54. Mosh for a band that isn't even fast!
55. You're too drunk anyways to be embarrassed
56. Say that your favorite band put on the best show ever, but don't go and see them again
57. Throw up the horns in between every song
58. Metal concerts are the only concerts worth attending
59. If you see someone standing around, throw them into the pit
60. Dress as metal as possible for the concert - remember, accessorizing is key
61. If you don't mosh, then you are gay
62. Tell your mom that you're going to a Green Day concert, even though you are actually seeing Cannibal Corpse
63. Force your girlfriend to go to your metal concert, but when she asks you to go to a Chevelle concert with her, make up an excuse not to go
64. Keyboard solos are even more epic live
65. Smoke in between and during each band
66. Mosh for a few seconds, then stop because you are too tired to continue
67. Then smoke again
68. Don't be afraid to mosh or crowd surf while wearing combat boots
69. It is ok to kick even if you're wearing combat boots, unless you're hardcore dancing, then gtfo
70. Laugh at the random metalcore band that was added to the lineup at the last minute
71. And do not mosh for them
72. If you're a black metal fan at a death metal show, complain about the bands not being atmospheric enough
73. If you're a death metal fan at a black metal show, complain about the bands not being brutal enough
74. Don't buy a band's album at their merch table - just download it when you get home
75. Get a picture of yourself with a band member, but you have to pose while showing the horns with a brutal facial expression
76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour
77. Get drunk so you can't feel pain in the pit
78. Always flex during brutal parts of a song
79. Before the show, make friends with the biggest dudes you can find. Think of it as mosher's insurance
80. Don't be afraid to tie your shoe in the middle of a mosh pit
81. Destroy all hardcore dancers
82. Focus on the little 14 year olds in the pit to make you look tougher
83. Mosh with a boner so people fear you more
84. The harder you mosh, the greater chance that you will get laid, even though you didn't take a shower
85. If you're short, just use your elbows for leverage
86. Be more brutal in the pit than attending church naked
87. Perform a series of neck stretches before the show to ensure neck longevity
88. A concert that has seating is gay and therefore not metal
89. Drunkenly babble to everyone near you, thinking that they're interested in your opinions
90. Mosh so hard in the beginning and middle of the concert that you are too tired to move during the headlining band
91. Have your mom drop you off at the show
92. Even though she said she'd only drop you off if you take your little sister to the upcoming Jonas Brothers concert
93. Lose your shoe in the pit at least once during every band
94. Miss the band's first song because you were outside smoking
95. Moshing counts as exercise
96. Be more brutal than the decapitated prostitute decaying in your trunk
97. Go to a show looking to get laid, even though there are only four women in the entire venue, and three of them look like trolls
98. Stick around after the show forever, hoping to meet a band member
99. Offer a musician some free weed just to be able to hang out with them
100. Write about your newest concert experience in the appropriate Metal Storm thread
101. Always help someone up in the pit if they fall down




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Dangerboner - 24.02.2010 at 14:36  
Don't take this too seriously. I wrote it in one sitting and it's basically just me listing a bunch of stuff I hate that goes on at most concerts
parallax - 24.02.2010 at 17:07  
The thing is... so much of this is true, hahaha.
JÄY - 24.02.2010 at 17:12  
Was pretty great
Dangerboner - 24.02.2010 at 17:41  
Thanks

yeah, when I was in high school and living with my mom, she must have thought I saw Green Day like 20 times when they were really just all death metal shows

I've probably lost my wallet at least four times at a show too
Warman - 24.02.2010 at 17:44  
Spot on!
The Shape 1973 - 24.02.2010 at 20:07  
"17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view."

I'm six foot tall and going to the front. If you are short you should have ate more when you were a child.
Warman - 25.02.2010 at 00:27  
Written by The Shape 1973 on 24.02.2010 at 20:07

"17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view."

I'm six foot tall and going to the front. If you are short you should have ate more when you were a child.

I seriously hate you guys!
Vitriolic Hate - 25.02.2010 at 00:32  
lame stuff
Introspekrieg - 25.02.2010 at 00:48  
Quote:
83. Mosh with a boner so people fear you more


I would be terrified...

and the rules about smoking were 100% accurate.
The Shape 1973 - 25.02.2010 at 01:42  
Written by Warman on 25.02.2010 at 00:27

Written by The Shape 1973 on 24.02.2010 at 20:07

"17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view."

I'm six foot tall and going to the front. If you are short you should have ate more when you were a child.

I seriously hate you guys!

Don't worry I'll tell you whats happening if you can't see my little friend.
Warman - 25.02.2010 at 17:35  
Written by The Shape 1973 on 25.02.2010 at 01:42

Don't worry I'll tell you whats happening if you can't see my little friend.

Ah, you're so sweet.
whatsacow - 26.02.2010 at 00:17  
19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube
22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit
42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show
76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour

Ah, who hasn't been there lol.
Entropic Silence - 26.02.2010 at 10:59  
39. Be more brutal in the pit than 2 Girls 1 Snowcone Machine

This may be the greatest rule of all time...

That was good. 9
Mr. Doctor - 27.02.2010 at 11:43  
Hahhaha Nice post Dangerboner, one of my faovrite rules was the one about youtube videos.. that's horrible.

Written by The Shape 1973 on 24.02.2010 at 20:07

"17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view."

I'm six foot tall and going to the front. If you are short you should have ate more when you were a child.


Ahhh C'mon! Some people have bad genes that's all Although I'm around 5 feet and 7-8 inches last time I checked...
Boxcar Willy - 27.02.2010 at 17:02  
Hahaha!!!!
Bloody Rain - 27.02.2010 at 20:47  
Wow, this is so funny because it's so true. A few more I would add is:

102. If you show up when the doors open, always rush over to the merch table and buy 3 shirts.
103. Make sure never to wear them after the concert.
104. Spend at least $40 on beer at every show.
105. Despite this, the reason why you download is because you're poor and you can never afford to buy cds.
The Shape 1973 - 01.03.2010 at 13:02  
Written by Mr. Doctor on 27.02.2010 at 11:43

Hahhaha Nice post Dangerboner, one of my faovrite rules was the one about youtube videos.. that's horrible.

Written by The Shape 1973 on 24.02.2010 at 20:07

"17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view."

I'm six foot tall and going to the front. If you are short you should have ate more when you were a child.


Ahhh C'mon! Some people have bad genes that's all Although I'm around 5 feet and 7-8 inches last time I checked...

Ha ha, the same offer is open to you as I made to Warmen. "Don't worry I'll tell you whats happening if you can't see my little friend."
Warman - 01.03.2010 at 14:34  
I'm going to kill you Shape...
Mr. Doctor - 01.03.2010 at 16:00  
I'll help you... we can cut off his legs.
The Shape 1973 - 01.03.2010 at 19:15  
Written by Warman on 01.03.2010 at 14:34

I'm going to kill you Shape...

Mr. Doctor - Today at 14:00 Quote
I'll help you... we can cut off his legs

Tall people will rule the world, ha ha (in a manic James Bond villains voice). We will make you all stand on boxes. Wah ha ha ha!
Valentin B - 02.03.2010 at 14:42  
LOL i'm pretty tall (1.85 meters) but i subscribe to rule no. 17. THERE IS ALWAYS A TALLER ASSHOLE AROUND JUST STANDING IN YOUR FACE.
Mr. Doctor - 02.03.2010 at 18:15  
Written by Valentin B on 02.03.2010 at 14:42

LOL i'm pretty tall (1.85 meters) but i subscribe to rule no. 17. THERE IS ALWAYS A TALLER ASSHOLE AROUND JUST STANDING IN YOUR FACE.


LMAO, I agree with that, I've seen really fucking tall dudes being in front of other dudes that were tall but not that much
Boxcar Willy - 03.03.2010 at 18:07  
Written by Mr. Doctor on 01.03.2010 at 16:00

I'll help you... we can cut off his legs.

i'll help too...! im 5'-3" don't laugh!!!
Boxcar Willy - 03.03.2010 at 18:09  
Written by Introspekrieg on 25.02.2010 at 00:48

Quote:
83. Mosh with a boner so people fear you more


I would be terrified...

and the rules about smoking were 100% accurate.

me too!
Marcel Hubregtse - 03.03.2010 at 19:46  
Written by The Shape 1973 on 24.02.2010 at 20:07

"17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view."

I'm six foot tall and going to the front. If you are short you should have ate more when you were a child.


Somehow I don't understand why people consider six foot tall. I am 5'9" and am a tiny little fuck in this country where the average height is 6'2"
So I guess many of the truly vertically challenged ones shouldn't go see a show in The Netherlands
Dr.TeM - 03.03.2010 at 20:13  
Lo0ol Dude you Rules
Roro - 04.03.2010 at 15:23  
101. Always help someone up in the pit if they fall down ?

never!
Scorched Earth - 06.03.2010 at 19:01  
Haha, I obey rule 93 every time.
Powerslavex - 07.03.2010 at 11:57  
True true
Thunderdrake - 24.03.2010 at 07:30  
I'd have to second that, a lot of this is true. Most of them that I'm not guilty of I've still seen at least one other person do at each show I've gone to. Then again, that's what makes it funny.
Good job.
Daggon - 24.03.2010 at 08:22  
Being tall in my country is a blessing haha, cuz some of my friends are too short for concerts, also, many metal heads in my contry aren't very tall
Valentin B - 24.03.2010 at 10:13  
@Danger i think you forgot one essential rule: the more you get to the front-center of the stage while holding on to the railing like crazy and not letting anyone through, and the more you wait for shitty bands to play to see your favorites, the truer a fan you are.
I_Die_Often - 24.03.2010 at 12:52  
17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view
18. Take pictures of the band playing with your shitty cell phone and then post them on your MySpace

THAT'S ME!, put in my profile here, not MySpace
I_Die_Often - 24.03.2010 at 12:52  
17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view
18. Take pictures of the band playing with your shitty cell phone and then post them on your MySpace

THAT'S ME!, put in my profile here, not MySpace
Berfones - 25.03.2010 at 22:46  
101 is the most metal and honourable thing to do
Dangerboner - 29.03.2010 at 10:58  
Yeah, well since of course we're all at a super brutal metal show and not at some gay harry potter folkemocore show, if there's a tall person in front of you, all you gotta do is push xD
Don Martin - 02.04.2010 at 23:03  
Lol, I'm 1.71 m and 14 years old and there's always some drunk asshole smoking his ass of, stinking like a pig standing in front of me...
Kennoth - 08.05.2010 at 20:42  
I suggest you should be cautious of the rule 82 then:

82. Focus on the little 14 year olds in the pit to make you look tougher


Btw: I'm 18 and 175, which is pretty short for someone my age
ImHiringMinions - 17.05.2010 at 16:50  
I love how the last one is something like 'help someone up if they fall' after everything else was 'be brutal!' lol xD
Boxcar Willy - 17.06.2010 at 00:52  
Written by whatsacow on 26.02.2010 at 00:17

19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube
22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit
42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show
76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour

Ah, who hasn't been there lol.

just a question, you said "who hasn't been there" to number 42, which is "if you're a girl wear the slutiest outfit posible" ...but your a guy...
whatsacow - 17.06.2010 at 01:54  
Written by Boxcar Willy on 17.06.2010 at 00:52

Written by whatsacow on 26.02.2010 at 00:17

19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube
22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit
42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show
76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour

Ah, who hasn't been there lol.

just a question, you said "who hasn't been there" to number 42, which is "if you're a girl wear the slutiest outfit posible" ...but your a guy...

Yeah... was a fun night lol.
Boxcar Willy - 18.06.2010 at 15:56  
Written by whatsacow on 17.06.2010 at 01:54

Written by Boxcar Willy on 17.06.2010 at 00:52

Written by whatsacow on 26.02.2010 at 00:17

19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube
22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit
42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show
76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour

Ah, who hasn't been there lol.

just a question, you said "who hasn't been there" to number 42, which is "if you're a girl wear the slutiest outfit posible" ...but your a guy...

Yeah... was a fun night lol.

ha ha heh ha.... i'm kinda scared
Valentin B - 19.06.2010 at 12:07  
Written by Mr. Doctor on 02.03.2010 at 18:15

Written by Valentin B on 02.03.2010 at 14:42

LOL i'm pretty tall (1.85 meters) but i subscribe to rule no. 17. THERE IS ALWAYS A TALLER ASSHOLE AROUND JUST STANDING IN YOUR FACE.


LMAO, I agree with that, I've seen really fucking tall dudes being in front of other dudes that were tall but not that much

from what i've seen most people who live south from (including) Mexico are small, except of course the Patagonians(even though the Spaniards themselves were dwarves, only 1.55 m tall average)

by some miracle though i finally witnessed a popular band's show with a perfect view (AC/DC about a month and a week ago), it was fucking epic not having to constantly sway left and right because of some huge asshole in front of me. it was fucking epic

i've been thinking of writing my own 101 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts, i think i'm gonna begin writing right now haha
Mr. Doctor - 23.06.2010 at 21:51  
Written by Valentin B on 19.06.2010 at 12:07

i've been thinking of writing my own 101 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts, i think i'm gonna begin writing right now haha



Dude... Do it NOW!
Bercause I´ll be in tçthe Theatre Of Tragedy concert in Chile tomorrow ahahhahahah. There will be a lot of goth chicks for sure XP
Behdad K - 25.06.2010 at 17:50  
102. Headbang as hard as you can in Doom concerts! Moshing is permitted, too!

I saw some Draconian concerts in Youtube and I can't stand those guys who headbang with that Doom songs!
Marcel Hubregtse - 26.06.2010 at 22:31  
Written by Behdad K on 25.06.2010 at 17:50

102. Headbang as hard as you can in Doom concerts! Moshing is permitted, too!

I saw some Draconian concerts in Youtube and I can't stand those guys who headbang with that Doom songs!


Last weekend I saw a circle pit during Kyuss and people moshing during Candlemass. That is the most pathetic thing one can do together with stage dive mo. A slow headbang is possible at a doom gig.
Derwood - 27.06.2010 at 04:57  
Let's see...how'd I do?

Damn, blew it on rule 1. Wore a 3 Inches of Blood to Dream Theater and Iron Maiden.

All the way to 13 before I found a rule I didn't break (because I forgot my earplugs).

Number 61 - got a wife and four kids, so I'm hetero...just too damn old and out of shape for moshing these days.

Rule 100 - check.

Hey, I managed to get 2 out of 101 right. Guess I'm just not that metal.
Liquidus_Animus - 22.07.2010 at 21:06  
the boner in a mosh cracked me up.
And I hate the random tall dude that's always in front. Doesn't help that I'm 5'4'' and pretty skinny
Elodie Artour - 07.08.2010 at 23:56  
LOL

Thanks for taking your time and creating that list, Dangerboner! It is definitely hilarious and so damn true... As for example, I do wear earplugs at concerts but most of the people, who attend metal events, claim it's "untrue" and useless to wear such things. I'm short and sometimes, it is extremely difficult to see the currently playing band because of so many taller than me people all around at the very front of the stage. It's also damn annoying any time a metalhead decides to mosh, jump and headbang around me without caring whether I'll get hurt or simply won't be able to see anything because of his hair. I'm small, short and tiny, for fuck's sake! It's just not fair!
RafaRata - 16.08.2010 at 08:25  
I do the hand thing during guitar solos loool

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