101 Rules Of Being A Metal Storm Album Reviewer

Posted by: vezzy
Date: 27.08.2010

 
4 | 30 votes
1. If this is your first review, make it one of either a really common or a really obscure band.
2. Use the term "riff" once every two sentences.
3. If faced with difficulty as to what to say in a review, then tread not, your friends at Encyclopaedia Metallum have a few reviews you could steal from.
4. Insert only one sentence (if any at all) about the bass guitar and simply say it's "nothing special, but it flows well with the music".
5. Death metal reviews must contain the word "brutal" at least four times.
6. Black metal reviews must contain the words "cold" and "grim" thrice each.
7. Thrash metal reviews must contain the words "aggressive", "headbanging" and its consequent adjective "thrash-y" twice each.
8. Doom metal reviews must contain the words "melancholic", "depressive", "despair" and "impending".
9. Thesaurus.com is your best friend.
10. 7.0 is a bad score.
11. Metaphors enhance your review. Example: "The bass is the dressing to the guitar and drum salad." The more laughable (read: ingenious), the better.
12. If you're reviewing an '80s album, the term "old school" must be used.
13. The first paragraph of the review must be an unhelpful introduction as to who the band are (unless their name starts with M, K, D, I or C, in which case an introduction is unnecessary) or something along the lines of "there are many bands in [location], but none so [positiveadjective] as [thisband]".
14. Describe each instrument separately if you can't think of anything else.
15. Don't use the word "heavy", it's too generic of an adjective.
16. All Opeth albums must be rated 9.0 at the very least. Or if you're corrupted, an 8.
17. No nu metal reviews or you're a scene kid.
18. Let people know how open-minded you are by giving St. Anger an 8.1.
19. All Iron Maiden albums circa 1982-1988 are worth a 10.
20. If you're a power metal reviewer, show everyone how much you hate Manowar and review Rhapsody of Fire or Wintersun instead!
21. If a band has no shred of originality, fuck it, just say "
  • doesn't care about originality, they just want to provide a thrilling metal experience and they're succeeding!". Then rate it a 5.5 because their solos aren't good enough.
    22. Don't use the term "mallcore" in a review unless you're a staffer.
    23. Don't count on reviewing the next big album, the staff will beat you to it.
    24. Avidly protest against the three month guest review rule by repeatedly submitting the same review continuously after only two days have passed since the album's official release.
    25. The new In Flames must have a score of no more than 6.0.
    26. Fake your opinions and verdicts to appease the fanboy masses.
    27. If you happen to be ten words short or more of 250, then extend the first paragraph with useless facts that somehow interconnect with who the band are (oh, we don't mean personality-wise).
    28. If the only review you can think of is song-by-song, mention all but one or two of the tracks and how good they are/what they offer while splicing it all between short to moderately long paragraphs about the album's sound/how the band can/can't play their instruments. You just might deceive the proofreaders.
    29. If a band name ironically aids a certain point of your review, use this to your avail. (i.e. Fuck The Facts doesn't care if they sound fresh or exciting and their name is a fine example of it! MUST-HAVE FOR ALL FANS OF GOOD MUSIC!)
    30. A review a day keeps the proofreaders on schedule.
    31. If people hate your reviews, then there is only one answer to this: their intellects are far too puny to understand your aesthetic and philosophical concepts that build the foundation of your reviews.
    32. If a record label or band member contact you to review an album for them, accept it and intentionally give it a low score.
    33. Work on your image. Nobody wants an honest reviewer with an innocent sense of humor.
    34. Don't childishly parody band names (i.e. Earwax [Anthrax]), save that for the forums.
    35. Take proofreaders' advice literally (i.e. add words such as "clean", "smoothed out" and "blistering" if you're asked to polish a certain segment of your review).
    36. Give low scores to classic albums. That way you will instantly be noticed.
    37. If you want to give the impression that you are a kind and sincere person, state that you like a band's recent albums no matter how much they suck.
    38. If you want to give the impression that you are an honest person (which nobody wants), say that the band's recent albums suck cock and even Limp Bizkit could do better.
    39. If you want to give the impression that you are neutral towards a band's recent albums, add a brief sentence about it in the middle of your review.
    40. Do not review Christian metal.
    41. "Sonic mayhem" is the best term for describing worthless death or black metal that lacks decipherable riffs.
    42. Compare the sound of instruments to something that is associated with the genre or certain qualities of it. For example, draw a comparison between death metal/grindcore guitars and chainsaws or black metal bass guitar and the visibility of oxygen.
    43. Metalcore reviews must begin with a paragraph about how much the genre sucks, only worded in such a way where it isn't evident the first time you read it.
    44. The more underground a black metal band you're reviewing is, the better for your image.
    45. If an album sucks, say it sucks.
    46. If an album by your favorite band sucks, say it is an underappreciated masterpiece.
    47. If an album by your friend's garage band sucks, say it's decent to avoid getting pummeled by him.
    48. If the drums don't go beyond the basic rock beat but everything else is half-decent to good, just say they go with the flow.
    49. If you want to write a deathcore review, don't bother. Spare us some precious time.
    50. Technical death metal reviews are associated by the words "jazz", "lack of structure", "complexity", "mix of elements" and "too much for my attention span to handle".
    51. There is a line to cross between inspiration and plagiarism when it comes to writing reviews. But since you're a rebel, fuck the line! Just copy a staff review and fix it with the appropriate terms for the album you're reviewing.
    52. If you're absolutely desperate to make your review flourish with words, mention the album's Metacritic average.
    53. If you want to be funny with your reviews, joke about how the record label packages the album (hell, write a paragraph about it!)
    54. That or write your reviews in a drunken state or make they seem so.
    55. If you want to be serious with your reviews, get a degree in music theory.
    56. That or use a lot of adjectives (remember tip #9).
    57. If your review happens to be well over 500 words, bribe the proofreader with a beer.
    58. Be yourself when writing a review. Whether you are a plagiarist, NSBM lover or hypocrite, it doesn't matter.
    59. Revisionism is a vital aspect of reviews. That way the New Music Order ™ (© RIAA, Inc.) is closer to its final stages.
    60. Put special emphasis on your closing comments. Seeing as most people don't bother reading the review in its entirety, simply put everything worthwhile in the last few sentences.
    61. God listens to Slayer. Therefore you shall not review Slayer (it conflicts with tip #40).
    61.1. By the way, "tip" here means "rule". Because Tipper Gore told us to.
    62. Opinion is fact (unless that opinion sucks).
    63. Refrain from using the chatbox a lot.
    64. If you are nostalgic about (or just enjoy) early reviews, tribute some of them by forgetting to separate your review into paragraphs.
    65. Be against reviews by editors of heavy metal magazines. They always obsess over primitive details and they constantly inflate scores.
    66.(6) If a black metal album has satanic lyrics, you are not permitted to give it less than a 6.6.
    67. Always try to mention the good stuff, no matter how insignificant it is. (just don't do it like the dudes in tip #65)
    68. No, you can't give the new In Flames higher than a 6.
    69. The final score of the album is typically supposed to follow this equation: "(performance + songwriting + originality + production) ÷ 4". Ignore it.
    70. Don't say an album is overproduced, unless it is a power metal album or the new Metallica.
    71. "Raw" is the best adjective for describing the guitar sound in any real metal album.
    72. If you know what an "equal temperament" is, you're either overqualified or extremely serious.
    73. If you absolutely must, you can refer to another guy who reviewed the album before you and how you totally spit Coca-Cola on your computer screen because you read it.
    74. If you are reviewing a small newcomer band, beware! They usually keep good track of who's noticing them.
    75. After writing your 250th review, announce that you are leaving Metal Storm.
    76. A few months later, write your 251st review, surprising everyone.
    77. Then just write reviews whenever you feel like it.
    78. Remember. If you have grammatical or spelling errors in your review, it's the proofreader's fault, not yours.
    79. If the album you are reviewing is atrociously bad, pull a Diminished (joke about how mind-blowing the album is, then spill the beans in two or three sentences). For this to work, you have to not give it a score.
    80. If you notice any change in a band's sound, deduct some points for it and blame it on the "slightly tedious riffs".
    81. Bottom 20 albums are not to be reviewed.
    82. The reason why everyone hates your favorite band's new album is because their record label won't give it a proper distribution. Spread the word now!
    83. If your electricity shuts off during the middle of your review… then that means the proofreaders are up to a secret sabotage conspiracy! Protest!
    84. Don't bother explaining your points. It isn't your fault the people reading your reviews haven't listened to the album yet.
    85. It's well known fact that Metal Storm is a volunteer community. Therefore, it sort of works like a game of telephone. The rules are a bit… messed up from proofreader to proofreader. So, if you see somebody accepting your review for an invisible band and another deleting it because it's for an invisible band, exploit this to your avail!
    86. If the new album by a certain band is generic, that means you aren't spam mailing their inboxes enough.
    87. Get lost in your rambling. It gives the review a psychedelic feel.
    88. Most reviews should take up to 30 minutes at maximum to write.
    89. Unless you put effort and honesty in your reviews (for the third time, don't do that).
    90. Completely disregard this article and this thread. It's proofreader propaganda.
    91. If the band is female-fronted, lie about how breathtaking the vocals are.
    92. If the band is female-fronted and death metal, it sucks unless Angela Gossow is singing. Scores over 6.9 not advised.
    93. Write your reviews late at night when you have more solitude (and less energy).
    94. If people are against the points specified in your review, tear them apart like the filthy trolls they are.
    95. The more subjective you are, the more honest you-…wait a second…
    96. If you see that your reviews are getting pushed back by others in the review page, come back with a triad of them at once. Show those punks what you're made of!
    97. If you don't know English, just ram it into the all-knowing Google Translator.
    98. If there's a lineup change and the band releases a new album, say it's bad and draw a correlation between the two.
    99. It isn't necessary to be very descriptive, just dismiss the album in 300 words and you're ready to go. Rinse and repeat 'till you get a following.
    100. All keyboard melodies must automatically be labeled as flowery pop metal cheese. Now get going and write a review! We'll all be thankful to see a newcomer who displays a knack for this.
    101. All opinions are equal, but some opinions are more equal than others.




  • Comments

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    DayFly - 02.09.2010 at 17:47  
    Honestly, is this supposed to be funny? Reads more like a rant, without real bite.
    vezzy - 02.09.2010 at 18:39  
    Written by DayFly on 02.09.2010 at 17:47

    Honestly, is this supposed to be funny? Reads more like a rant, without real bite.


    It's more forceful, yes.
    Got Mayhem? - 02.09.2010 at 21:46  
    Written by DayFly on 02.09.2010 at 17:47

    Honestly, is this supposed to be funny? Reads more like a rant, without real bite.

    +1

    If you take a look at the highest rated stuff in this section you'll notice that they're all pretty lighthearted in nature. This is just aggressive and bitter, just the opposite of what most people find funny.
    Vitriolic Hate - 03.09.2010 at 15:10  
    Written by Got Mayhem? on 02.09.2010 at 21:46

    Written by DayFly on 02.09.2010 at 17:47

    Honestly, is this supposed to be funny? Reads more like a rant, without real bite.

    +1

    If you take a look at the highest rated stuff in this section you'll notice that they're all pretty lighthearted in nature. This is just aggressive and bitter, just the opposite of what most people find funny.

    It's bitter indeed & not funny at all.
    BitterCOld - 04.09.2010 at 07:00  
    Written by Got Mayhem? on 02.09.2010 at 21:46
    This is just aggressive and bitter...


    let's leave me out of this...
    Got Mayhem? - 04.09.2010 at 16:03  
    Written by BitterCOld on 04.09.2010 at 07:00

    Written by Got Mayhem? on 02.09.2010 at 21:46
    This is just aggressive and bitter...


    let's leave me out of this...

    My bad. Normally I'm not one to drop names but in this case I really couldn't help myself.
    Thryce - 05.09.2010 at 16:17  
    Hold on you guys, this isn't that bad. Instead of being plain funny like everyone else, Vezzy just made something REALLY crappy so we all could have a good laugh at his expense. Making it look like a train wreck, only to pursue a true form of purebred entertainment. What an artistic visionary this man is.
    vezzy - 05.09.2010 at 16:30  
    Written by Thryce on 05.09.2010 at 16:17

    Hold on you guys, this isn't that bad. Instead of being plain funny like everyone else, Vezzy just made something REALLY crappy so we all could have a good laugh at his expense. Making it look like a train wreck, only to pursue a true form of purebred entertainment. What an artistic visionary this man is.


    Thank you, thank you, it was all part of my ingenious plot all along.
    Thryce - 05.09.2010 at 20:08  
    Written by vezzy on 05.09.2010 at 16:30

    Thank you, thank you, it was all part of my ingenious plot all along.

    You mean the plot where you convince everyone you have zero sense of humor, or the plot where you convince everyone you're such an awesome reviewer everyone should write just like you? Either way I'm on to you, mister!
    vezzy - 05.09.2010 at 20:15  
    Written by Thryce on 05.09.2010 at 20:08

    You mean the plot where you convince everyone you have zero sense of humor, or the plot where you convince everyone you're such an awesome reviewer everyone should write just like you? Either way I'm on to you, mister!


    Both, I think.
    Doc Godin - 21.09.2010 at 08:30  
    Sorry man, just didn't find this funny. It lacks the irony that the other lists had that made them funny. There were a few that started to get on the right track though.
    BoxCar Willy - 21.09.2010 at 21:58  
    Written by Doc Godin on 21.09.2010 at 08:30

    Sorry man, just didn't find this funny. It lacks the irony that the other lists had that made them funny. There were a few that started to get on the right track though.

    indeed
    Daniell - 22.09.2010 at 10:58  
    Let me guess. Vezzy submitted some reviews that got rejected. Later the same albums were reviewed by staffers. This is his anger speaking.
    vezzy - 22.09.2010 at 11:03  
    Written by Daniell on 22.09.2010 at 10:58

    Let me guess. Vezzy submitted some reviews that got rejected. Later the same albums were reviewed by staffers. This is his anger speaking.


    Actually, the only reviews of mine I remember being rejected were the first (had to submit it three times) and later on Cancer's To The Gory End due to a misunderstanding (admittedly, that's where I got the inspiration for "game of telephone").
    Daniell - 22.09.2010 at 11:17  
    That was my assumption, it may be wrong of course.
    Lucas - 22.09.2010 at 21:21  
    I had the feeling a couple of these rules were completely based on my reviewing style, hahaha. Other than that, not to much to laugh.
    vezzy - 22.09.2010 at 21:22  
    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 21:21

    I had the feeling a couple of these rules were completely based on my reviewing style, hahaha. Other than that, not to much to laugh.


    I haven't really paid attention to your reviewing style.

    Or maybe it's subconsciously enclosed in some part of my brain.
    Lucas - 22.09.2010 at 21:24  
    Written by vezzy on 22.09.2010 at 21:22

    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 21:21

    I had the feeling a couple of these rules were completely based on my reviewing style, hahaha. Other than that, not to much to laugh.


    I haven't really paid attention to your reviewing style.

    Or maybe it's subconsciously enclosed in some part of my brain.


    I don't really know what you're into, I have no idea if you actually read my reviews or not. I wouldn't recommend it, by the way.
    vezzy - 22.09.2010 at 21:28  
    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 21:24
    I don't really know what you're into, I have no idea if you actually read my reviews or not. I wouldn't recommend it, by the way.


    I actually do at times. But I'm more into death than black, so I only take few albums into consideration.

    Why wouldn't you recommend it? Too underground?
    Lucas - 22.09.2010 at 21:28  
    Written by vezzy on 22.09.2010 at 21:28

    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 21:24
    I don't really know what you're into, I have no idea if you actually read my reviews or not. I wouldn't recommend it, by the way.


    I actually do at times. But I'm more into death than black, so I only take few albums into consideration.

    Why wouldn't you recommend it? Too underground?


    Too shitty.
    !J.O.O.E.! - 22.09.2010 at 22:08  
    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 21:28

    Too shitty.

    Quit your jibber-jabber you crazy mo-fo! I've had to start hunting down my own underground shizzle since you took a break.
    Lucas - 22.09.2010 at 22:11  
    Written by !J.O.O.E.! on 22.09.2010 at 22:08

    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 21:28

    Too shitty.

    Quit your jibber-jabber you crazy mo-fo! I've had to start hunting down my own underground shizzle since you took a break.


    I don't want to go off-topic and make this topic about me, or sound like a teenage girl (screw a teenage girl => a-ok, sound like on is not done) - but I don't really like most of my (old) reviews.

    I really do need to get back to gem-hunting, though.
    !J.O.O.E.! - 22.09.2010 at 22:18  
    Written by Lucas on 22.09.2010 at 22:11

    I don't want to go off-topic and make this topic about me, or sound like a teenage girl (screw a teenage girl => a-ok, sound like on is not done) - but I don't really like most of my (old) reviews.

    I really do need to get back to gem-hunting, though.

    That's pretty natural I think, just best to try and see them as learning experiences. You'll always be a better reviewer than you were x amount of time ago. But aside from the fact you're a damn fine reviewist you've left a big hulking gap where interesting and subversive music should be. Without your reviews the site is just "Metal Gust-with-a-bit-of-Rain" rather than Metal Storm and lets be honest, that's a terrible name for a website.
    GT - 08.10.2010 at 23:05  
    Not really funny.

    Advertise on Metal Storm


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