The 69 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts.

Posted by: Valentin B
Date: 14.11.2010

 
7.7 | 35 votes
1. Never, ever try to pick up chicks at metal concerts.

2. Just kidding, read on.

3. The more leather you wear; the hotter you will be to chicks.

4. For maximum effect your underwear should be stainless black leather too.

5. Also you should have a huge stainless steel codpiece. Don't worry, if people are staring and laughing, they're jealous of your enormous and overworked dick.

6. It will also come in handy if girls are playing hard to get and kick you as hard as they can in the groin.

7. If that doesn't work, use a cucumber wrapped in aluminum foil.

8. be careful with all the techniques presented here, you might not be able to screw THIS many girls!

9. Repeat after me: I AM A SEX BEAST! Rawer!

10. Scream in your incredibly girly falsetto at classic metal concerts, it will surely impress the ladies.

11. When you try to charm a girl with your incredible personality but she says she has a boyfriend, persevere in standing there awkwardly and staring at her boobs drooling.

12. Remember that No always means Yes. If she resists, use chloroform, she wanted to screw you anyway. You're welcome.

13. If you see a target dressed like a slut, don't bother, her asshole boyfriend will kick your ass instantly if you come near her. Either that or use chloroform on both of them, two birds with one stone!

14. Jagerbombs have an incredible effect that they wipe away your nerdy pimples for each night.

15. Throw chicks in the mosh pit.

16. When she asks you why you didn't enter the pit, tell her it's "because I'll destroy everyone!"

17. Every time you see a girl crowd surfing, grab whatever you can!

18. Then realize it was actually another skinny nerdy dude just like you because hot girls never crowd surf.

19. And based on your boner, that you kind of liked it.

20. If you're obese, stage dive directly on the chick you fancy.

21. If you're skinny, ask her to lift you up because you want to crowd surf.

22. If you're muscular, think about Manowar so you get a boner, then mosh with her.

23. Do cock push-ups.

24. Don't care about the music, you are here to fuck!

25. Unless it's a WASP gig. in that case single out your target, and shout "I FUCK LIKE A BEAST!" in her ear at certain times during the concert while staring at her like a violent sociopath (even though you clearly don't seem like one)

26. If she's disgusted, don't worry, she's just playing hard to get.

27. make sure you stock up on Manowarrior's Shields
You never know when you and your friends might get horny and drunk enough to experiment!

28. In the hell-freezing circumstance that you actually picked up a chick, when you close in for the kill, tell her about your collection of batman comics and Euronymous toilet paper instead of asking to come back at your place.

29. That should get her horny without resorting to go back to your basement luxury suite.

30. Think of what your mother would say! Jesus would be ashamed of you!

31. Brag about your collection of KISS figurines and Lord of the Rings fanfics.

32. At open-air festivals walk around with a sign "will eat pussy for beer".

33. after 5 hours holding up the sign, go masturbate and cry in your tent.

34. When someone asks you for weed/booze, offer to trade some for a handjob.

35. If it's a guy and you go through your spicy magazine during the act it will feel exactly the same!

36. Ask a girl if she sees the band. If she says no, offer to pick her up. She'll only notice the hint subconsciously.

37. Drag target to the front of a wall of death where your drunk-as-hell ass will most likely not feel any pain. She'll thank you and offer a blowjob after it.

38. The fatter and sweatier you are, the more attractive you will be.

39. Single out the insecure targets from the girls present at a metal show.

40. Points to look for: band t-shirt, histrionic make-up, always with a drink in her hand, seems impatient.

41. If she happens to be with friends who cock-block you, whip out your guitar and play the most incredible solo ever.

42. You'll surely attract lots of hot dudes.

43. If you play guitar, your pick-up line should be "that asshole's tone sucks, and he plays like a robot, no feeling at all!"

44. If you play drums, it's "he's constantly losing time! I can play better with my cock!"

45. If you're a vocalist, it's "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

46. If you play bass, it's "hey, so, u come here often?"

47. If you are in the band which is playing though, it's much simpler and you don't even have to say anything.

48. If you're the lead guitarist, during a solo extend your guitar from your crotch outwards and point it to target. If she reaches to touch/lick the headstock of the guitar, mission accomplished.

49. If you're the rhythm guitarist, stare at your target while playing with a deranged, creepy smile.

50. If you're the vocalist, grab your balls while doing an extended note and point straight to target. Hopefully she hasn't yet died because of too much horniness.

51. If you're the bassist, play the most incredible solo in history, then stage dive and keep playing perfectly while surfing. After that ask the crowd to get you back on the stage, where you invite target to play a tambourine rhythm while you play the funkiest bassline ever conceived, which you morph into a Jimi Hendrix cover, delivering the most heartfelt vocal performance anyone has seen up to that point. Then you smash the bass, burn it on stage and offer your solid gold plectrum to target, along with a dream vacation in the Caribbean, a 20-room home in Beverly Hills and a silver-plated Ferrari.

52. When you do all that, realize that you're the goddamned bassist and you will never get laid, unless your name is either Gene, Tom or Lemmy, which it isn't. Have fun with the new ultra-realistic line of sex dolls.

53. If you're the drummer, say "hi" to your target. Mission accomplished.

54. If you don't play any instrument at all, be calm, confident, relaxed, and funny and exhibit great value and attention to your target, all the while not supplicating to her petty games like buying her drinks and stuff.

55. Or just poke girls in the ass with your boner, works either way.

56. The longer and less-washed your hair is, the better your chances will be.

57. If you have dreadlocks, be sure to headbang and flail them incessantly at target, even when there's no song playing.

58. girls always think the longer your metal spikes are, the bigger your dick is.

59. When in doubt about what to wear for a concert, wear a shirt which subtly depicts people engaging in sex. Your target will never figure out you're so horny that you'd screw anything that breathes.

60. When you come back from a concert with your buddies, be sure to have a post-get-laid-high-five...

61. After you all take turns masturbating to Crucified Barbara videos.

62. By the way if you're gay, try a Crucified Barbara show. You're welcome.

63. If the girls are too young, you're too impotent.

64. Cover up your sexual frustration by spending a lot of money on metal accessories and hair conditioner.

65. Scream and pose like you are a character from Dragon Ball Z, people will know then that you're totally secure.

66. Creepy is the new sexy!

67. To enhance your crotch size, use a cucumber wrapped in tin foil. Carry it around everywhere, along with 10 condoms.

68. Impress girls by bragging about your incredible car, then JIZZ! In your pants.

69. Whine about this list and my sense of humor in the comments section.




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Fat & Sassy! - 14.11.2010 at 20:42  
"15. Throw chicks in the mosh pit."

What is this? I don't even... XD
Kratos - 14.11.2010 at 21:02  
You are so mean to bassist
#17-19 was win though
Valentin B - 14.11.2010 at 21:07  
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 14.11.2010 at 20:42

"15. Throw chicks in the mosh pit."

What is this? I don't even... XD

come on man, you know they know that you know that they like it.

>:[
Fat & Sassy! - 15.11.2010 at 02:00  
Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2010 at 21:07

Written by Fat & Sassy! on 14.11.2010 at 20:42

"15. Throw chicks in the mosh pit."

What is this? I don't even... XD

come on man, you know they know that you know that they like it.

>:[


YUP. >:[
Promonex - 15.11.2010 at 04:15  
Protecting girls from moshpits. You get to talk with the target, occasionally you receive a blow that will hurl you right into her arms, but you'll still be the White Knight for her. Always works for me. If not, I just go for #15 as well.
Valentin B - 15.11.2010 at 15:27  
Written by Promonex on 15.11.2010 at 04:15

Protecting girls from moshpits. You get to talk with the target, occasionally you receive a blow that will hurl you right into her arms, but you'll still be the White Knight for her. Always works for me. If not, I just go for #15 as well.

i tihnk it's more like, you protect her from the pit, then when you get more serious and she says that she obviously has a boyfriend(they do everytime), you apply #15 haha.
Kennoth - 16.11.2010 at 00:36  
I wonder why is there specifically 69 rules
Valentin B - 16.11.2010 at 01:57  
Written by Kennoth on 16.11.2010 at 00:36

I wonder why is there specifically 69 rules

i wanted to write 101, but i ran out of ideas at around 67 or something.

edit: i like that you adhere to the last rule ahahahh
Vikcen - 16.11.2010 at 02:12  
Written by Kennoth on 16.11.2010 at 00:36

I wonder why is there specifically 69 rules


69 is a magical number of the sex, didn't you know it?
Daggon - 16.11.2010 at 06:32  
I really wanted some more Rulz to follow
Valentin B - 16.11.2010 at 16:21  
Written by Daggon on 16.11.2010 at 06:32

I really wanted some more Rulz to follow

in the list i sneaked in a rule which is not at all sarcastic, can you guess which one is it?

(hint: it doesn't involve bassists)
Kennoth - 16.11.2010 at 19:46  
Written by Vikcen on 16.11.2010 at 02:12

Written by Kennoth on 16.11.2010 at 00:36

I wonder why is there specifically 69 rules


69 is a magical number of the sex, didn't you know it?


Well duh.
Vikcen - 16.11.2010 at 20:27  
Written by Kennoth on 16.11.2010 at 19:46

Written by Vikcen on 16.11.2010 at 02:12

Written by Kennoth on 16.11.2010 at 00:36

I wonder why is there specifically 69 rules


69 is a magical number of the sex, didn't you know it?


Well duh.


Hahaha,

The curiosity killed the cat .
Marcel Hubregtse - 17.11.2010 at 00:55  
Sorru one of the very worst rules lists. Totally lame ass and not funny as if written by a totally frustrated computer nerd.
Valentin B - 17.11.2010 at 01:06  
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 17.11.2010 at 00:55

Sorru one of the very worst rules lists. Totally lame ass and not funny as if written by a totally frustrated computer nerd.

haha, i never expected less from you Marcel.
Angelic Storm - 17.11.2010 at 10:38  
Written by Vikcen on 16.11.2010 at 02:12
69 is a magical number of the sex, didn't you know it?


What? Sex has a magical number? That's news to me... :\ lol

As for these "rules" themselves, I could comment on them, but I think I'll pass...
Himann - 17.11.2010 at 14:53  
Written by Valentin B on 16.11.2010 at 16:21

Written by Daggon on 16.11.2010 at 06:32

I really wanted some more Rulz to follow

in the list i sneaked in a rule which is not at all sarcastic, can you guess which one is it?

(hint: it doesn't involve bassists)

Its either 23 or 65.
Got Mayhem? - 17.11.2010 at 18:20  
Holy bejeezus i need me some Manowarrior shields
Kennoth - 17.11.2010 at 22:47  
Written by Vikcen on 16.11.2010 at 20:27

The curiosity killed the cat .


But cat has nine lives
Introspekrieg - 17.11.2010 at 23:47  
Haha gotta love how every girl insists on dressing like a slut, otherwise people will call them "boring" like my gf
Vikcen - 18.11.2010 at 01:34  
Written by Kennoth on 17.11.2010 at 22:47

Written by Vikcen on 16.11.2010 at 20:27

The curiosity killed the cat .


But cat has nine lives


Yeah, haha =) you are lucky .
Yavanna - 22.11.2010 at 12:52  
57. If you have dreadlocks, be sure to headbang and flail them incessantly at target, even when there's no song playing.

Come on guys, dreadlocks is the worst thing you can do with your hair. And is even worst because it cannot be washed properly.
Dreadlocks are disgusting
Lovecraft - 22.11.2010 at 13:11  
Written by Yavanna on 22.11.2010 at 12:52

57. If you have dreadlocks, be sure to headbang and flail them incessantly at target, even when there's no song playing.

Come on guys, dreadlocks is the worst thing you can do with your hair. And is even worst because it cannot be washed properly.
Dreadlocks are disgusting


Agreed. They are just awful.
Yavanna - 22.11.2010 at 13:15  
Oh, I just forgot, people who have dreadlocks seem to have a giant hairy spider sitting over their heads
Angelic Storm - 22.11.2010 at 13:42  
Meh, Jeff Walker had dreadlocks, and he looked mega-cool with them! xD
Yavanna - 22.11.2010 at 14:27  
Written by Angelic Storm on 22.11.2010 at 13:42

Meh, Jeff Walker had dreadlocks, and he looked mega-cool with them! xD


no way. I keep on don't liking dread locks. If you like it, no problem for me.

Oh, by the way, people with dreads' don't fell offended, just keep you hair far away from me, othewise I will cut it off. Imediatly.
Valentin B - 08.12.2010 at 13:19  
Written by Introspekrieg on 17.11.2010 at 23:47

Haha gotta love how every girl insists on dressing like a slut, otherwise people will call them "boring" like my gf

at Wacken in 2009 (my first metal festival) i was actually feeling more like in the Amsterdam Red Light district. i don't really know why girls do this.. attention-seeking maybe?
Angelic Storm - 08.12.2010 at 13:24  
Written by Valentin B on 08.12.2010 at 13:19
at Wacken in 2009 (my first metal festival) i was actually feeling more like in the Amsterdam Red Light district. i don't really know why girls do this.. attention-seeking maybe?


I think the main reason why girls dress like that is to get male attention. Maybe that isnt always the reason, but most of the time, Id say it is. :\

Ive always been a jeans & shirt kinda gal.
Metalfae - 12.12.2010 at 15:27  
Written by Angelic Storm on 08.12.2010 at 13:24

Written by Valentin B on 08.12.2010 at 13:19
at Wacken in 2009 (my first metal festival) i was actually feeling more like in the Amsterdam Red Light district. i don't really know why girls do this.. attention-seeking maybe?


I think the main reason why girls dress like that is to get male attention. Maybe that isnt always the reason, but most of the time, Id say it is. :\

Ive always been a jeans & shirt kinda gal.


I kinda disagree, don't think it is for male attention.Of course desperate girl would do anything to attract males but usually people dress how they want and wear what they like not having any other reason behind it but simply preference. If you guys look at a girl in a mini dress or hot pants and think it is slutty,thats your problem not hers, also not wearing a lot of clothes at festivals is actually more comfortable and healthy, you are less likely to get overheated,you are less likely to ruin your clothes, if its raining you don't have to put up with tonnes of clothes that go all soggy and heavy in the rain and then grossly stick to you and there are a lot of other reasons i could list:) But usually it is just simply preference...
Angelic Storm - 12.12.2010 at 16:25  
Written by Metalfae on 12.12.2010 at 15:27
I kinda disagree, don't think it is for male attention.Of course desperate girl would do anything to attract males but usually people dress how they want and wear what they like not having any other reason behind it but simply preference. If you guys look at a girl in a mini dress or hot pants and think it is slutty,thats your problem not hers, also not wearing a lot of clothes at festivals is actually more comfortable and healthy, you are less likely to get overheated,you are less likely to ruin your clothes, if its raining you don't have to put up with tonnes of clothes that go all soggy and heavy in the rain and then grossly stick to you and there are a lot of other reasons i could list:) But usually it is just simply preference...


There are definitely girls who dress a certain way to get attention from men. I think you'd need to be pretty naive to think that this is something that doesn't happen. Now, Im not saying every girl who wears hardly any clothes is like that, but some definitely are. And I guess you could also call that "preference". We all wear certain clothes for a certain reason. Whether that's to feel comfortable, for the benefit of the opposite sex, fashion reasons, just because you like the look of them, or whatever other reason there is, there's always a reason why people choose to dress the way they do. There is a lot of reasons, yep. To impress men is just one potential reason, and only some girls do it, but I dont think you could deny that for some women, that does play a factor in their dress sense.
Metalfae - 12.12.2010 at 19:36  
Written by Angelic Storm on 12.12.2010 at 16:25

Written by Metalfae on 12.12.2010 at 15:27
I kinda disagree, don't think it is for male attention.Of course desperate girl would do anything to attract males but usually people dress how they want and wear what they like not having any other reason behind it but simply preference. If you guys look at a girl in a mini dress or hot pants and think it is slutty,thats your problem not hers, also not wearing a lot of clothes at festivals is actually more comfortable and healthy, you are less likely to get overheated,you are less likely to ruin your clothes, if its raining you don't have to put up with tonnes of clothes that go all soggy and heavy in the rain and then grossly stick to you and there are a lot of other reasons i could list:) But usually it is just simply preference...


There are definitely girls who dress a certain way to get attention from men. I think you'd need to be pretty naive to think that this is something that doesn't happen. Now, Im not saying every girl who wears hardly any clothes is like that, but some definitely are. And I guess you could also call that "preference". We all wear certain clothes for a certain reason. Whether that's to feel comfortable, for the benefit of the opposite sex, fashion reasons, just because you like the look of them, or whatever other reason there is, there's always a reason why people choose to dress the way they do. There is a lot of reasons, yep. To impress men is just one potential reason, and only some girls do it, but I dont think you could deny that for some women, that does play a factor in their dress sense.


woah hello, hahah if you read what i wrote properly,not the bit where i said i disagree (that most girls wear hardly any clothes just so they can attract the opposite sex!), then you'd fully understand what i meant.

Never said that it doesn't happen. I don't deny it doesn't happen.it does happen, hence the sentence that desperate girl would do anything to attract. I disagreed because you said it was the main reason why girls dress like that, but it is clearly not one of the main reasons.

On the other hand we all have the need to attract other people in our nature, even though you being a t-shirt & jeans gal, you still do your make up and brush your hair and look presentable and attractive.but saying that you mostly do it to attract is wrong because in most cases it happens unintentional,subconsciously.

Peace
Vivi' - 23.01.2011 at 00:25  
THIS IS GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vivi' - 23.01.2011 at 00:28  
Btw, I am female, but all the comments written by women are so serious. Come on!
Ultraussie - 29.01.2011 at 10:40  
33. after 5 hours holding up the sign, go masturbate and cry in your tent.
Fucking epic.
Rebel Monster - 01.02.2011 at 18:07  
That's some funny shit
marinBG - 12.02.2011 at 09:36  
Is it just me, or that list is just not that funny. Great idea, but it just didn't make me laugh. I guess I was hoping to see more of myself in the mocked for his constant failures "metal smooth operator" than I did.

You concentrated on creepy. But there is a whole other breed of metal pick up artists: GIRLY! WORKS EVERY TIME Best Example: Alexi Laiho
BrokenKnuckles - 28.02.2011 at 20:02  
Hahahahahaha this is perfect!
godisdead - 06.03.2011 at 22:11  
Horrible list not too funny only a few funny rules.
Mr. Doctor - 07.03.2011 at 00:07  
The only ones that got a laugh from me were the bassits jokes. I fucking hate you right now! XD
Valentin B - 07.03.2011 at 00:23  
first of all thank you all for adhering to rule #69, i couldn't have done this without your support guys!

Written by Mr. Doctor on 07.03.2011 at 00:07

The only ones that got a laugh from me were the bassits jokes. I fucking hate you right now! XD

at least now you know what awaits you if you don't legally change your name to Lemmy, Cronos or, much better, Tom (works two-fold as there's Tom Araya and Tom Angelripper)


DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT JOHN!
Tsk! [BR] - 08.03.2011 at 01:56  
Rule 70. Never read rules!
Chobo_jokeR - 11.03.2011 at 00:36  
32. At open-air festivals walk around with a sign "will eat pussy for beer"

I most certainly laughed out loud when I read that. Very funny.
Endogenisis_ - 17.03.2011 at 21:21  
#4 is just xD Made my day.
Gathering Storm - 30.03.2011 at 04:19  
12. Remember that No always means Yes. If she resists, use chloroform, she wanted to screw you anyway. You're welcome.
LMAO!! man that was freakin hilarious, though probably one of the 10 that made me laugh, also the if you're a drummer just say Hi was pretty spot on! lol
Hellhound - 31.05.2011 at 10:58  
Fuckin hilarious man. Good work. Thats all I have to say...
Spirit Molecule - 01.06.2011 at 07:12  
46. If you play bass, it's "hey, so, u come here often?"

I guess the bassist ones only are funny to bassists
JD - 25.08.2011 at 16:35  
Lol these are my favorites:

-Repeat after me: I AM A SEX BEAST! Rawer!
-When you try to charm a girl with your incredible personality but she says she has a boyfriend, persevere in standing there awkwardly and staring at her boobs drooling.
-When she asks you why you didn't enter the pit, tell her it's "because I'll destroy everyone!"
-Every time you see a girl crowd surfing, grab whatever you can!
-Do cock push-ups.
-Creepy is the new sexy!

WTF!
Vombatus - 25.08.2011 at 17:20  
Talking about Manowar shields....

http://www.fanzone.fi/ensiferum/productinfo.cfm?tuotenumero=203561&lang=en
Mattybu - 11.09.2011 at 20:59  
Written by JD on 25.08.2011 at 16:35

WTF!



Too funny! That is why Manowar NEEDS to exist!

Also probably the funniest one for me was when you see a girl crowd surfing, grab whatever you can. Had a good chuckle at that
Warman - 13.09.2011 at 13:36  
I've always wondered how some chicks in the crowd still stays fresh when the show is done. I mean, whenever I've been to a concert I'm sweaty, dirty, my hair looks like some geeky hairstyle from a manga comic and I (hopefully) have some scars after dudes pressing their pointy spikes (not that pointy spike) all over me.

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