101 Rules of Being a Metalstormer

Posted by: Dangerboner
Date: 05.01.2007

 
9.4 | 126 votes
1. Don't follow the rules of posting.
2. Say an album is perfect and that there is no room for improvement, but rate it an 8.
3. Or say an album is decent and point out its faults, but rate it a 10.
4. Use big words as often as possible to make yourself sound smart, but spell them wrong and be sure to use them incorrectly.
5. Always make sure to over represent the genre you love the most, but secretly like Unearth.
6. Post the same thing in multiple threads.
7. When you buy an album, be sure to not only post in the "last album you've acquired" thread, but also make a post in the "last album you've listen to" thread and the appropriate band's thread.
8. Oh, and you must include a picture of it.
9. Or else no one will believe you.
10. You can never post the same thing too many times.
11. Be more brutal than a grandma doing porno.
12. In various threads such as the "Serious Discussion" thread, make your posts as long as possible.
13. The ideal length should be about the size of a short novel.
14. Only smart people make long posts.
15. When proving a point, always be sure to overemphasize certain words by making the letters all capitalized.
16. To enhance your credibility, make your text large and bold. People will really believe you then.
17. You aren't tr00 unless you hate Trivium.
18. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.
19. You aren't tr00 unless Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are your favorite bands.
20. Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are the best bands everrrrrrr.
21. Proofreading is untr00.
22. Be sure to overuse words such as tr00, necro, kvlt, etc.
23. Always make sure to have a picture in your signature that's too big at least once.
24. Name as many bands as possible, even when it's unnecessary.
25. The more bands you know, the cooler you are.
26. Never like a band's newest album.
27. Their old stuff is always better.
28. Be more brutal than a semen-filled Jell-O bowl….with delicious strawberries mixed in.
29. If you are a guest reviewer, only review your favorite album and make sure to give it a higher rating than it deserves.
30. Also, only rate albums that you like, and give them a 10.
31. When voting in a poll in a thread, vote for something even though you haven't heard most of the bands/albums in the poll.
32. And be sure to admit it.
33. Proper punctuation is definitely not tr00.
34. Actually, the more illegible, the better.
35. Be as random as possible in the shout box.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
37. As long as it's abstract, you're automatically an open-minded person.
38. Use one of the banger smilies as often as possible.
39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
40. Act like you're a veteran of Metal Storm when you actually have only been on for less than a year.
41. Be sure to take a picture of yourself while wearing the most br00taL or tr00 band t-shirt you have.
42. So that means hide your Trivium shirt in your closet.
43. Be a hypocrite.
44. Make sure you tell people that Metal Storm is the best forum out there and that it's the only forum you post in.
45. But you actually post in Metal-Archives all the time.
46. Make sure to have a picture of a band member, logo, or album of an underground band in your signature or avatar to make you look super cool.
47. But never listen to them.
48. Remember, nothing should make sense in the shout box.
49. Unless it's a happy birthday shout.
50. After you give a happy birthday shout, remember to also post in the happy birthday thread. Remember, repetitiveness is key.
51. You must use a smiley in the happy birthday thread.
52. Be more brutal than farting in a hot tub.
53. Think that metal is the only suitable style of music.
54. But secretly listen to Elton John.
55. That's right, you know you like him.
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
57. Spamming is only an excuse if you're drunk.
58. But it's still not really an excuse.
59. You can never post enough if you're drunk.
60. Unless you're a gay drunk.
61. Then please don't post at all.
62. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.
63. All Children of Bodom albums deserve a 10.
64. Except for the newest.
65. Every Iron Maiden album deserves a 10.
66. Except for the ones without Bruce Dickenson
67. And their newest.
68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.
69. Post in threads you know very little about.
70. But hide your lack of knowledge by using big words.
71. And of course, spell the super big word wrong.
72. So now you really look smart.
73. Post "RIP" every time you mention Chuck Schuldiner's name.
74. Instead of waiting for the page to load your post, hit the "post reply" button 27 times so that you flood the page with the same posts.
75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.
81. Be sure to name your screen name after your favorite band, followed by "666."
82. If you're a female metalstormer, be sure to have the word "angel" in your screen name somewhere.
83. Be more brutal than a fat dude doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but a thong.
84. Be sure to stereotype every genre you dislike.
85. But be mad when people stereotype genres you like.
86. Dislike n00bs. They spam 
87. But be sure to welcome them in the appropriate thread in order to boost your post count.
88. Don't bother to read the FAQ's.
89. Instead, make sure to create a thread about a question that's already been answered.
90. As a metalstormer, you must hate metalcore.
91. You are far too metal to be listening to that stuff.
92. Be sure to complain that the Metal-Archives server is down.
93. And while you're in a bitchy mood, why not complain about the MS server being slow?
94. Post that a certain band is the greatest band everrrrrrrrrrr even though 2364626 people already have done so.
95. Add a band that you just heard to your favorite bands list, even though you barely know their music.
96. Don't let the fact that MS is a metal forum fool you. Take special time to mention how bad your life is in the other threads. As fellow metal-heads, we all care about your problems.
97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.
98. Secretly be Christian.
99. Be more brutal than someone with cerebral palsy trying to tie their own shoe.
100. Waste countless time earning community points, even though they are completely useless.
101. If you are a traitor and actually thinking about leaving MS, be sure to make a thread about it. You really need the attention and we all enjoy reading them.




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'Tsk!' - 07.03.2011 at 00:54  
So,i'm not a metal storm!?

blackdoomy - 19.03.2011 at 14:41  
Written by Guest on 07.03.2011 at 00:54

So,i'm not a metal storm!?



no one can be metal storm or they will kick him out!!
saw_you_drown - 05.05.2011 at 03:39  
That was the most reading I have done since I read and re-read "War and Peace" for my pre-post-doctorate thesis/dissertation on Russian political deepness philosophology.

It is raining clouds of sorrow in my brutal soul
Cuca Beludo - 08.05.2011 at 00:18  
Hey, if i follow these rules, i will surely be banned!
But who's cares!
Anyway... i am drunk right now...
And i am thinking of push this button below 27 times...
Yeah! I am A METOWSTORMER! ENDI NÔ ONI CAM STOPI MI !
Cuca Beludo - 08.05.2011 at 00:22  
And the rule # 104:

Say that Manowar is one of the worst band ever, but listen to his songs, buy the albuns and never put then into the favorite bands!
strade - 31.05.2011 at 00:34  
And rule #105:
Vote down # 14 on the top 200 albums list so your favorite album can move up one spot. Remember, this list is completely accurate and so fucking important.

rule #106: being right is never important as long as the argument is eloquent enough.
BeastOfMetal456 - 04.08.2011 at 04:04  
Written by Guest on 08.05.2011 at 00:18

Hey, if i follow these rules, i will surely be banned!
But who's cares!
Anyway... i am drunk right now...
And i am thinking of push this button below 27 times...
Yeah! I am A METOWSTORMER! ENDI NÔ ONI CAM STOPI MI !

I do lots of these rules actually.
Metal_4Ever - 07.08.2011 at 07:01  
19. You aren't tr00 unless Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are your favorite bands.
this is for aaaaaaaall Iron Maiden and Children Of Boddom's fan
39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
Oh you don't believe me
Marcel Hubregtse - 07.08.2011 at 11:11  
Written by Metal_4Ever on 07.08.2011 at 07:01

39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
Oh you don't believe me


So, if I might ask, for how long have you been seriously listening to metal?
Mr. Doctor - 07.08.2011 at 13:10  
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 07.08.2011 at 11:11

Written by Metal_4Ever on 07.08.2011 at 07:01

39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
Oh you don't believe me

So, if I might ask, for how long have you been seriously listening to metal?


It could apply to me without any problems, even when I was his age
Started back when I was around 7 until 10, had one or two years of silence since my only source of metal was my stepbrother and I didn't live with him anymore. Started to listen to metal again at 12 because I saved a lot of money to buy some cds.
Marcel Hubregtse - 07.08.2011 at 13:24  
Written by Mr. Doctor on 07.08.2011 at 13:10

Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 07.08.2011 at 11:11

Written by Metal_4Ever on 07.08.2011 at 07:01

39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
Oh you don't believe me

So, if I might ask, for how long have you been seriously listening to metal?


It could apply to me without any problems, even when I was his age
Started back when I was around 7 until 10, had one or two years of silence since my only source of metal was my stepbrother and I didn't live with him anymore. Started to listen to metal again at 12 because I saved a lot of money to buy some cds.


I don't consider listening at the age of 7 as serious ;-)
Mr. Doctor - 07.08.2011 at 14:24  
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 07.08.2011 at 13:24

I don't consider listening at the age of 7 as serious ;-)


Oh c'mon. It can't be more difficult that just listening and enjoying the music.
The only difference now is that I tend to listen to my albums alone at night and search for some new stuff by myself.
Metal_4Ever - 07.08.2011 at 18:49  
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 07.08.2011 at 11:11

Written by Metal_4Ever on 07.08.2011 at 07:01

39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
Oh you don't believe me


So, if I might ask, for how long have you been seriously listening to metal?

Seriously, but I was just listening to 2 band Kamelot and Epica
LichBorne - 19.09.2011 at 19:55  
I agree to all till numb. 19... Mate, only people with small sence of metal can say that their best band is Children Of Bodom. I mean, they are not bad, but they are ruining Power Metal! I would like to say, if you think that Blind Guardian sucks then you dont deserve to be a Metalstormer. Or maybe if you dnt like Iron Maiden (and you like Heavy Metal) then... I dunno... go hang yourself
I like band Stratovarius, Helloween, even Wizard... and I have never said to someone, who dont like them, that he dont deserve to listen metal. So, man with all do respect, try to hear some old stuff. Maybe Black Sabbath or Blue Cheer. Thet is the name of the bands, you should put instead of Children Of Bodom or Iron Maiden...
BitterCOld - 25.10.2011 at 01:42  
This is how old now and is still every bit as relevant, true, and tr00 as the day he posted it. should be mandatory reading for all new users.

fucking brilliant.
Haiwaan Das - 10.12.2011 at 03:18  
I, (HAIWAAN DAS), do swear in the name of HEAVY METAL (or solemnly affirm) that I will faithfully execute the role of METALSTROMER (or discharge the functions of the METALSTROMER) of the Republic of METALSTORM, and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution and the law, and that I will devote myself to the service and well-being of the FOLLOWERS of METALSTORM.
gav1230 - 29.12.2011 at 02:51  
I do follow these rules very closely
ANGEL REAPER - 30.12.2011 at 16:27  
So i have capitalized user name with word ANGEL in it...i dont see fuss about it...
Infernal Eternal - 26.02.2012 at 23:17  
33. Proper punctuation is definitely not tr00.
34. Actually, the more illegible, the better.
Bad English? LOL
Boxcar Willy - 27.02.2012 at 19:23  
Written by BitterCOld on 25.10.2011 at 01:42

This is how old now and is still every bit as relevant, true, and tr00 as the day he posted it. should be mandatory reading for all new users.

fucking brilliant.

^This.
Necrox - 28.02.2012 at 07:20  
Written by Boxcar Willy on 27.02.2012 at 19:23

Written by BitterCOld on 25.10.2011 at 01:42

This is how old now and is still every bit as relevant, true, and tr00 as the day he posted it. should be mandatory reading for all new users.

fucking brilliant.

^This.

Reposting so there's no excuse.
BloodJuNkie - 21.09.2012 at 06:13  
And i thought a metalstormer is a good thing
Fradd - 21.09.2012 at 20:01  
This article didn't make much sense to me when I read it 4 years ago. Now it does.
Boxcar Willy - 18.11.2012 at 19:25  
This is probably the best thing you can read on this site.
Ace Frawley - 24.11.2012 at 05:33  
I followed rule 100. for awhile, sucker that I am.
Guib - 24.11.2012 at 23:53  
100% accurate. I do some of these things pretty often... don't bash on me you all do it too. Oh yes, by the way, proper punctuation does rule okay! It does add that little something to anyone's posts, doesn't it?

@Ace Frawley: Keep following this rule, not for the points but just to make the bands pages accurate.
Norther - 03.01.2013 at 18:47  
i use my own rule , and i'm proud to be a true metalhead
# rule 666 : if you are bored to read all rules and if you being yourself and dont fucking take care about that rules you're a true metalhead !
Sir Thrashalot - 09.01.2013 at 06:54  
Written by Norther on 03.01.2013 at 18:47

i use my own rule , and i'm proud to be a true metalhead
# rule 666 : if you are bored to read all rules and if you being yourself and dont fucking take care about that rules you're a true metalhead !


Rules 33 and 34 taken care of here, welcome to the tr00 crew lol
Guib - 24.01.2013 at 02:29  
Written by Sir Thrashalot on 09.01.2013 at 06:54

Written by Norther on 03.01.2013 at 18:47



Rules 33 and 34 taken care of here, welcome to the tr00 crew lol


Ahahaha owned, this is genius it works every time.
MasoweKampambaChitan - 14.02.2013 at 16:46  


I hate Trivium, so that makes me a Metal Stormer
Blasfemo - 15.03.2013 at 14:42  
Rule #102 you should have signed in at Metalstorm before 2004
Norther - 15.04.2013 at 01:56  
Brothers , i'm a true metal head listening from black sabbath to mayhem , but now i heard my dad old music like "modern talking" i dont know if sounds like shit from you guys but that music taste good for me , so is wrong from my 'metal soul " to listen that? ... ( i think these modern talking guys is little simmilar to rock , one of the band guy have long hair ) EDIT : i just children of bodom covered one of sounds so i think laiho liked that in his childhood , but still not enough to me so i wait you to true metalheads to tell me if you like that music ( just for fun )
cheers metalheads' i waiting some replays
Cynic Metalhead - 03.05.2013 at 22:40  
Ugh, rules are been extracted from here.
Marcel Hubregtse - 06.05.2013 at 19:45  
Written by Cynic Metalhead on 03.05.2013 at 22:40

Ugh, rules are been extracted from here.



Mmm, no. Just look at the date this was posted here and also the Nu Metal rules here on MS and the date the Nu Metal one was posted on Metalsucks
Zaphod - 13.09.2013 at 15:57  
Written by LichBorne on 19.09.2011 at 19:55

Or maybe if you dnt like Iron Maiden (and you like Heavy Metal) then... I dunno... go hang yourself

I don't like Iron Maiden, I'll be sure to hang myself asap.
MasoweKampambaChitan - 31.10.2013 at 15:42  
Rule No 102.....Pretend to the whole world that you hate Trivium, but deep down your heart you love them
no one - 01.11.2013 at 22:01  
This was hilarious, i think it criticized every individual on this forum at the moment, even though it was made years ago
Maco - 19.12.2013 at 10:04  
38. Use one of the banger smilies as often as possible.

:v
Joodicator - 19.12.2013 at 13:54  
#7 is the story of my life.

It was all these rules of metal that attracted me to the site years ago before finally joining. As a fairly active MSer, now they hold a lot more meaning.

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