101 Rules of Being a Metalstormer



101 Rules of Being a Metalstormer

Posted by: Dangerboner
Date: 05.01.2007

 
9.5 | 132 votes
1. Don't follow the rules of posting.
2. Say an album is perfect and that there is no room for improvement, but rate it an 8.
3. Or say an album is decent and point out its faults, but rate it a 10.
4. Use big words as often as possible to make yourself sound smart, but spell them wrong and be sure to use them incorrectly.
5. Always make sure to over represent the genre you love the most, but secretly like Unearth.
6. Post the same thing in multiple threads.
7. When you buy an album, be sure to not only post in the "last album you've acquired" thread, but also make a post in the "last album you've listen to" thread and the appropriate band's thread.
8. Oh, and you must include a picture of it.
9. Or else no one will believe you.
10. You can never post the same thing too many times.
11. Be more brutal than a grandma doing porno.
12. In various threads such as the "Serious Discussion" thread, make your posts as long as possible.
13. The ideal length should be about the size of a short novel.
14. Only smart people make long posts.
15. When proving a point, always be sure to overemphasize certain words by making the letters all capitalized.
16. To enhance your credibility, make your text large and bold. People will really believe you then.
17. You aren't tr00 unless you hate Trivium.
18. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.
19. You aren't tr00 unless Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are your favorite bands.
20. Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are the best bands everrrrrrr.
21. Proofreading is untr00.
22. Be sure to overuse words such as tr00, necro, kvlt, etc.
23. Always make sure to have a picture in your signature that's too big at least once.
24. Name as many bands as possible, even when it's unnecessary.
25. The more bands you know, the cooler you are.
26. Never like a band's newest album.
27. Their old stuff is always better.
28. Be more brutal than a semen-filled Jell-O bowl.with delicious strawberries mixed in.
29. If you are a guest reviewer, only review your favorite album and make sure to give it a higher rating than it deserves.
30. Also, only rate albums that you like, and give them a 10.
31. When voting in a poll in a thread, vote for something even though you haven't heard most of the bands/albums in the poll.
32. And be sure to admit it.
33. Proper punctuation is definitely not tr00.
34. Actually, the more illegible, the better.
35. Be as random as possible in the shout box.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
37. As long as it's abstract, you're automatically an open-minded person.
38. Use one of the banger smilies as often as possible.
39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
40. Act like you're a veteran of Metal Storm when you actually have only been on for less than a year.
41. Be sure to take a picture of yourself while wearing the most br00taL or tr00 band t-shirt you have.
42. So that means hide your Trivium shirt in your closet.
43. Be a hypocrite.
44. Make sure you tell people that Metal Storm is the best forum out there and that it's the only forum you post in.
45. But you actually post in Metal-Archives all the time.
46. Make sure to have a picture of a band member, logo, or album of an underground band in your signature or avatar to make you look super cool.
47. But never listen to them.
48. Remember, nothing should make sense in the shout box.
49. Unless it's a happy birthday shout.
50. After you give a happy birthday shout, remember to also post in the happy birthday thread. Remember, repetitiveness is key.
51. You must use a smiley in the happy birthday thread.
52. Be more brutal than farting in a hot tub.
53. Think that metal is the only suitable style of music.
54. But secretly listen to Elton John.
55. That's right, you know you like him.
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
57. Spamming is only an excuse if you're drunk.
58. But it's still not really an excuse.
59. You can never post enough if you're drunk.
60. Unless you're a gay drunk.
61. Then please don't post at all.
62. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.
63. All Children of Bodom albums deserve a 10.
64. Except for the newest.
65. Every Iron Maiden album deserves a 10.
66. Except for the ones without Bruce Dickenson
67. And their newest.
68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.
69. Post in threads you know very little about.
70. But hide your lack of knowledge by using big words.
71. And of course, spell the super big word wrong.
72. So now you really look smart.
73. Post "RIP" every time you mention Chuck Schuldiner's name.
74. Instead of waiting for the page to load your post, hit the "post reply" button 27 times so that you flood the page with the same posts.
75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.
81. Be sure to name your screen name after your favorite band, followed by "666."
82. If you're a female metalstormer, be sure to have the word "angel" in your screen name somewhere.
83. Be more brutal than a fat dude doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but a thong.
84. Be sure to stereotype every genre you dislike.
85. But be mad when people stereotype genres you like.
86. Dislike n00bs. They spam 
87. But be sure to welcome them in the appropriate thread in order to boost your post count.
88. Don't bother to read the FAQ's.
89. Instead, make sure to create a thread about a question that's already been answered.
90. As a metalstormer, you must hate metalcore.
91. You are far too metal to be listening to that stuff.
92. Be sure to complain that the Metal-Archives server is down.
93. And while you're in a bitchy mood, why not complain about the MS server being slow?
94. Post that a certain band is the greatest band everrrrrrrrrrr even though 2364626 people already have done so.
95. Add a band that you just heard to your favorite bands list, even though you barely know their music.
96. Don't let the fact that MS is a metal forum fool you. Take special time to mention how bad your life is in the other threads. As fellow metal-heads, we all care about your problems.
97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.
98. Secretly be Christian.
99. Be more brutal than someone with cerebral palsy trying to tie their own shoe.
100. Waste countless time earning community points, even though they are completely useless.
101. If you are a traitor and actually thinking about leaving MS, be sure to make a thread about it. You really need the attention and we all enjoy reading them.




Comments

Comments: 267   [ 1 ignored ]   Visited by: 1956 users
05.01.2007 - 22:45
Susan
Smeghead
HAHAHAA Awesome. My favourites are:

26. Never like a band's newest album.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.

...but I really laughed out loud at #97.
----
"A life all mine
Is what I choose
At the end of my days"
--The Gathering "A Life All Mine" from Souvenirs
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05.01.2007 - 23:06
Promonex
Cathemeral
Brilliant, I say!

Does anyone remember how a well-known female user and j-rock fan followed #56 while being REALLY horny? Now THAT was br00tal!
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All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now.
- The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841 Ch. 26
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06.01.2007 - 00:00
wrathchild
To any newbie eventually reading this and thinking its the way to go, just don't forget to consider this is irony and that a proper title would be "101 Rules of Not Being a Metalstormer".

Rule 68 was somewhat funny...


PS: Bruce Dickenson? Can that spelling mistake really come from a Metalstormer?
----
La belleza no reside en lo que puedas crear, sino en lo que eres capaz de transmitir
Beauty resides not in what you're able to create, but in what you're able to communicate


Txus, Mägo De Oz
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06.01.2007 - 00:25
Lupas
Maximus
Ha ha

Some tips to gain more posts in threads Don't tell Wratchild
Also i like the poetry form in the sig.

The argument with Hemlock

Good work @ pyroleprechaun
----
"For what point has this life if you can't realise your dreams?" -- The Divine Comedy
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06.01.2007 - 01:01
AnGina--
Dark Phoenix
Awesome! Yea, I'm gonna go give COB straight tens and put them in my fave bands! Immediately!

Great job!

And of course, as a tr00 necro kvlr MS -->

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06.01.2007 - 01:19
Dangerboner
:D
Thanks everyone

I did this while multi-tasking at work though, so there are some mistakes I made...such as Bruce Dickinson. Sorry Wrathchild

Hey, but spelling mistakes are part of the rules!
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06.01.2007 - 02:10
Lucas
Mr. Noise
Hey man, congrats on this! I noticed I follow a lot of 'rules' my self too. =P

And this rule:

68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.

Is just way too awesome.
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SLUDGE. DOOM. DEATH. Wait, what?

"The reason I'm running for president is because I can't be Bruce Springsteen." - Barack Obama
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06.01.2007 - 02:31
Opium Magnet
Account deleted
73. Post "RIP" every time you mention Chuck Schuldiner's name.

Was that a dig at my sig too?

11. Be more brutal than a grandma doing porno.

52. Be more brutal than farting in a hot tub.

68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.

83. Be more brutal than a fat dude doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but a thong.

These are just awesome.

I can also see that a few of those points were also digs at other users, while others are general observations, ie. 82. If you're a female metalstormer, be sure to have the word "angel" in your screen name somewhere. LOL.
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06.01.2007 - 02:36
Dangerboner
:D
lol those aren't personal attacks to anyone...just funny things I've noticed. I actually do a lot of those things
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06.01.2007 - 02:37
Raiden
Down Under Staff
21. Proofreading is untr00.

Well, some of them were pretty funny
----
"Scream for me Melbourne!!!!"
- Bruce Dickinson

"I don't see any god up here"
- Yuri Gagarin (while in orbit, 1961)
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06.01.2007 - 02:49
Herzebeth
26. Never like a band's newest album.
27. Their old stuff is always better.
43. Be a hypocrite.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is more brutal than a silicone boob bursting out splattering everyone at a star wars convention while two dogs dressed like R2D2 clean the silicone off the floor...
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06.01.2007 - 07:17
Xtreme Jax
Psycroptipath
HAHA!!
This is hilarious dude, heaps of stuff pointed out is what you can see all around here.

75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!

.. hmm wonder who this could be
----

Hellcunt Smurf
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06.01.2007 - 09:54
Hyvaarin
Xtreme Jax - hahahahaha.

Awesome list, pyro. I hadn't noticed the huge CoB worship, though.
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"Summoned By Words Never Spoken Before..."
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06.01.2007 - 12:10
Valentin B
Iconoclast
@xtreme jax: LOL!! i've got an idea
the "be more brutal than.." saga was quite good
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
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06.01.2007 - 12:12
matthioso
sweet

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www.seedofrock.be
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06.01.2007 - 15:26
Warman
Erotic Stains
I laughed!
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06.01.2007 - 15:27
Warman
Erotic Stains
Oh sorry! Forgot the headbanger, I'll post two of them since this counts as a comment too

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06.01.2007 - 16:06
Xtreme Jax
Psycroptipath
Haha I forgot too

@Warman: we're not n00bs so we can dismiss rule #86 for this
----

Hellcunt Smurf
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06.01.2007 - 16:29
Bad English
Masterchief
Written by wrathchild on 06.01.2007 at 00:00

To any newbie eventually reading this and thinking its the way to go, just don't forget to consider this is irony and that a proper title would be "101 Rules of Not Being a Metalstormer".



PS: Bruce Dickenson? Can that spelling mistake really come from a Metalstormer?


K7 are popular here
----
Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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06.01.2007 - 17:38
Sekhmet
Electric Witch
AWESOME
Oh, I almost forgot:
#68 made me LMAO!

Sek a.k.a. the darkest angel of all angels
----
I wish I had a mental survival kit...
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06.01.2007 - 17:46
Ulven i Manden
Account deleted
Some of my favourites:

48. Remember, nothing should make sense in the shout box.
49. Unless it's a happy birthday shout.
...
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
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06.01.2007 - 20:45
DL-Lauri
Account deleted
Great! I noticed that I'm following almost every single rule what was written. Oh well...
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06.01.2007 - 21:01
Bad English
Masterchief
Written by Guest on 06.01.2007 at 17:46

Some of my favourites:


56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.


Hahahah ist about me
----
Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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06.01.2007 - 21:36
dancingdecember
this is probably the best 101 along with 101 rules of BM it really makes you laugh
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i'm super, thanks for asking
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06.01.2007 - 22:10
Basso
Account deleted
97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.

Haha, I really respect Hemlock for putting up with all the silly rants and questions he recieves in that thread.
I mean its not like he is going to loose his faith while reading forum posts anyway.

Funny list indeed stay more br00tal than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.
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06.01.2007 - 22:53
Spyroid
Rosetta Stoned
Written by Xtreme Jax on 06.01.2007 at 07:17

HAHA!!
This is hilarious dude, heaps of stuff pointed out is what you can see all around here.

75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!

.. hmm wonder who this could be


I've heard he likes wine 8)
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06.01.2007 - 23:22
hanna of steel
Poison Girl
I don't know if I fit in with many of the rules , but you made me laugh.

Can someone plese tell me what kvlt means
----
Hell is other people - Jean-Paul Sartre
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07.01.2007 - 00:01
iaberis
Advice Troll
Funny sh*t!
Many digs too!
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Bitch! Please
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07.01.2007 - 01:44
Daru Jericho
Excellent. I liked the one about randomly CAPITALIZING random words in SENTENCES.

The RIP Schuldiner pisses me off too.

Daru Angelface Jericho....
----
Aborted Misanthropic Smurf Puppy On Acid.

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07.01.2007 - 01:54
Insineratehymn
Account deleted
Fantastic work, Pyro! These were some of the rules I found hilarious (the ones in bold are the ones I think have a lot of truth to them):

6. Post the same thing in multiple threads.
7. When you buy an album, be sure to not only post in the "last album you've acquired" thread, but also make a post in the "last album you've listen to" thread and the appropriate band's thread.
8. Oh, and you must include a picture of it.
9. Or else no one will believe you.

10. You can never post the same thing too many times.
12. In various threads such as the "Serious Discussion" thread, make your posts as long as possible.
13. The ideal length should be about the size of a short novel.
14. Only smart people make long posts.

15. When proving a point, always be sure to overemphasize certain words by making the letters all capitalized.
16. To enhance your credibility, make your text large and bold. People will really believe you then.
17. You aren't tr00 unless you hate Trivium.
18. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.

19. You aren't tr00 unless Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are your favorite bands.
20. Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are the best bands everrrrrrr.
21. Proofreading is untr00.
22. Be sure to overuse words such as tr00, necro, kvlt, etc.
23. Always make sure to have a picture in your signature that's too big at least once.
24. Name as many bands as possible, even when it's unnecessary.
25. The more bands you know, the cooler you are.
29. If you are a guest reviewer, only review your favorite album and make sure to give it a higher rating than it deserves.
30. Also, only rate albums that you like, and give them a 10.

31. When voting in a poll in a thread, vote for something even though you haven't heard most of the bands/albums in the poll.
32. And be sure to admit it.
33. Proper punctuation is definitely not tr00.
34. Actually, the more illegible, the better.
35. Be as random as possible in the shout box.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
37. As long as it's abstract, you're automatically an open-minded person.
53. Think that metal is the only suitable style of music.
54. But secretly listen to Elton John.
55. That's right, you know you like him.
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
57. Spamming is only an excuse if you're drunk.
58. But it's still not really an excuse.
59. You can never post enough if you're drunk.
60. Unless you're a gay drunk.
61. Then please don't post at all.
75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.
84. Be sure to stereotype every genre you dislike.
85. But be mad when people stereotype genres you like.
86. Dislike n00bs. They spam.
87. But be sure to welcome them in the appropriate thread in order to boost your post count.
92. Be sure to complain that the Metal-Archives server is down.
93. And while you're in a bitchy mood, why not complain about the MS server being slow?

97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.
98. Secretly be Christian.
101. If you are a traitor and actually thinking about leaving MS, be sure to make a thread about it. You really need the attention and we all enjoy reading them.

Oh, can't forget the obligatory uber tr00 necro kvlt smileys!

Hmm, this was a long post. I guess this means I'm smart. Wait, I'm already smart!
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