101 Rules of Being a Metalstormer

Posted by: Dangerboner
Date: 05.01.2007

 
9.5 | 126 votes
1. Don't follow the rules of posting.
2. Say an album is perfect and that there is no room for improvement, but rate it an 8.
3. Or say an album is decent and point out its faults, but rate it a 10.
4. Use big words as often as possible to make yourself sound smart, but spell them wrong and be sure to use them incorrectly.
5. Always make sure to over represent the genre you love the most, but secretly like Unearth.
6. Post the same thing in multiple threads.
7. When you buy an album, be sure to not only post in the "last album you've acquired" thread, but also make a post in the "last album you've listen to" thread and the appropriate band's thread.
8. Oh, and you must include a picture of it.
9. Or else no one will believe you.
10. You can never post the same thing too many times.
11. Be more brutal than a grandma doing porno.
12. In various threads such as the "Serious Discussion" thread, make your posts as long as possible.
13. The ideal length should be about the size of a short novel.
14. Only smart people make long posts.
15. When proving a point, always be sure to overemphasize certain words by making the letters all capitalized.
16. To enhance your credibility, make your text large and bold. People will really believe you then.
17. You aren't tr00 unless you hate Trivium.
18. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.
19. You aren't tr00 unless Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are your favorite bands.
20. Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are the best bands everrrrrrr.
21. Proofreading is untr00.
22. Be sure to overuse words such as tr00, necro, kvlt, etc.
23. Always make sure to have a picture in your signature that's too big at least once.
24. Name as many bands as possible, even when it's unnecessary.
25. The more bands you know, the cooler you are.
26. Never like a band's newest album.
27. Their old stuff is always better.
28. Be more brutal than a semen-filled Jell-O bowl….with delicious strawberries mixed in.
29. If you are a guest reviewer, only review your favorite album and make sure to give it a higher rating than it deserves.
30. Also, only rate albums that you like, and give them a 10.
31. When voting in a poll in a thread, vote for something even though you haven't heard most of the bands/albums in the poll.
32. And be sure to admit it.
33. Proper punctuation is definitely not tr00.
34. Actually, the more illegible, the better.
35. Be as random as possible in the shout box.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
37. As long as it's abstract, you're automatically an open-minded person.
38. Use one of the banger smilies as often as possible.
39. Tell people you've been listening to metal for many years, but you're only 15 years old.
40. Act like you're a veteran of Metal Storm when you actually have only been on for less than a year.
41. Be sure to take a picture of yourself while wearing the most br00taL or tr00 band t-shirt you have.
42. So that means hide your Trivium shirt in your closet.
43. Be a hypocrite.
44. Make sure you tell people that Metal Storm is the best forum out there and that it's the only forum you post in.
45. But you actually post in Metal-Archives all the time.
46. Make sure to have a picture of a band member, logo, or album of an underground band in your signature or avatar to make you look super cool.
47. But never listen to them.
48. Remember, nothing should make sense in the shout box.
49. Unless it's a happy birthday shout.
50. After you give a happy birthday shout, remember to also post in the happy birthday thread. Remember, repetitiveness is key.
51. You must use a smiley in the happy birthday thread.
52. Be more brutal than farting in a hot tub.
53. Think that metal is the only suitable style of music.
54. But secretly listen to Elton John.
55. That's right, you know you like him.
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
57. Spamming is only an excuse if you're drunk.
58. But it's still not really an excuse.
59. You can never post enough if you're drunk.
60. Unless you're a gay drunk.
61. Then please don't post at all.
62. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.
63. All Children of Bodom albums deserve a 10.
64. Except for the newest.
65. Every Iron Maiden album deserves a 10.
66. Except for the ones without Bruce Dickenson
67. And their newest.
68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.
69. Post in threads you know very little about.
70. But hide your lack of knowledge by using big words.
71. And of course, spell the super big word wrong.
72. So now you really look smart.
73. Post "RIP" every time you mention Chuck Schuldiner's name.
74. Instead of waiting for the page to load your post, hit the "post reply" button 27 times so that you flood the page with the same posts.
75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.
81. Be sure to name your screen name after your favorite band, followed by "666."
82. If you're a female metalstormer, be sure to have the word "angel" in your screen name somewhere.
83. Be more brutal than a fat dude doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but a thong.
84. Be sure to stereotype every genre you dislike.
85. But be mad when people stereotype genres you like.
86. Dislike n00bs. They spam 
87. But be sure to welcome them in the appropriate thread in order to boost your post count.
88. Don't bother to read the FAQ's.
89. Instead, make sure to create a thread about a question that's already been answered.
90. As a metalstormer, you must hate metalcore.
91. You are far too metal to be listening to that stuff.
92. Be sure to complain that the Metal-Archives server is down.
93. And while you're in a bitchy mood, why not complain about the MS server being slow?
94. Post that a certain band is the greatest band everrrrrrrrrrr even though 2364626 people already have done so.
95. Add a band that you just heard to your favorite bands list, even though you barely know their music.
96. Don't let the fact that MS is a metal forum fool you. Take special time to mention how bad your life is in the other threads. As fellow metal-heads, we all care about your problems.
97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.
98. Secretly be Christian.
99. Be more brutal than someone with cerebral palsy trying to tie their own shoe.
100. Waste countless time earning community points, even though they are completely useless.
101. If you are a traitor and actually thinking about leaving MS, be sure to make a thread about it. You really need the attention and we all enjoy reading them.




Comments

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Susan - 05.01.2007 at 22:45  
HAHAHAA Awesome. My favourites are:

26. Never like a band's newest album.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.

...but I really laughed out loud at #97.
Promonex - 05.01.2007 at 23:06  
Brilliant, I say!

Does anyone remember how a well-known female user and j-rock fan followed #56 while being REALLY horny? Now THAT was br00tal!
wrathchild - 06.01.2007 at 00:00  
To any newbie eventually reading this and thinking its the way to go, just don't forget to consider this is irony and that a proper title would be "101 Rules of Not Being a Metalstormer".

Rule 68 was somewhat funny...


PS: Bruce Dickenson? Can that spelling mistake really come from a Metalstormer?
Lupas - 06.01.2007 at 00:25  
Ha ha

Some tips to gain more posts in threads Don't tell Wratchild
Also i like the poetry form in the sig.

The argument with Hemlock

Good work @ pyroleprechaun
AnGina-- - 06.01.2007 at 01:01  
Awesome! Yea, I'm gonna go give COB straight tens and put them in my fave bands! Immediately!

Great job!

And of course, as a tr00 necro kvlr MS -->

Dangerboner - 06.01.2007 at 01:19  
Thanks everyone

I did this while multi-tasking at work though, so there are some mistakes I made...such as Bruce Dickinson. Sorry Wrathchild

Hey, but spelling mistakes are part of the rules!
Lucas - 06.01.2007 at 02:10  
Hey man, congrats on this! I noticed I follow a lot of 'rules' my self too. =P

And this rule:

68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.

Is just way too awesome.
Opium Magnet - 06.01.2007 at 02:31  
73. Post "RIP" every time you mention Chuck Schuldiner's name.

Was that a dig at my sig too?

11. Be more brutal than a grandma doing porno.

52. Be more brutal than farting in a hot tub.

68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.

83. Be more brutal than a fat dude doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but a thong.

These are just awesome.

I can also see that a few of those points were also digs at other users, while others are general observations, ie. 82. If you're a female metalstormer, be sure to have the word "angel" in your screen name somewhere. LOL.
Dangerboner - 06.01.2007 at 02:36  
lol those aren't personal attacks to anyone...just funny things I've noticed. I actually do a lot of those things
Raiden - 06.01.2007 at 02:37  
21. Proofreading is untr00.

Well, some of them were pretty funny
Herzebeth - 06.01.2007 at 02:49  
26. Never like a band's newest album.
27. Their old stuff is always better.
43. Be a hypocrite.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is more brutal than a silicone boob bursting out splattering everyone at a star wars convention while two dogs dressed like R2D2 clean the silicone off the floor...
Xtreme Jax - 06.01.2007 at 07:17  
HAHA!!
This is hilarious dude, heaps of stuff pointed out is what you can see all around here.

75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!

.. hmm wonder who this could be
Hyvaarin - 06.01.2007 at 09:54  
Xtreme Jax - hahahahaha.

Awesome list, pyro. I hadn't noticed the huge CoB worship, though.
Valentin B - 06.01.2007 at 12:10  
@xtreme jax: LOL!! i've got an idea
the "be more brutal than.." saga was quite good
matthioso - 06.01.2007 at 12:12  
sweet

Warman - 06.01.2007 at 15:26  
I laughed!
Warman - 06.01.2007 at 15:27  
Oh sorry! Forgot the headbanger, I'll post two of them since this counts as a comment too

Xtreme Jax - 06.01.2007 at 16:06  
Haha I forgot too

@Warman: we're not n00bs so we can dismiss rule #86 for this
Bad English - 06.01.2007 at 16:29  
Written by wrathchild on 06.01.2007 at 00:00

To any newbie eventually reading this and thinking its the way to go, just don't forget to consider this is irony and that a proper title would be "101 Rules of Not Being a Metalstormer".



PS: Bruce Dickenson? Can that spelling mistake really come from a Metalstormer?


K7 are popular here
Sekhmet - 06.01.2007 at 17:38  
AWESOME
Oh, I almost forgot:
#68 made me LMAO!

Sek a.k.a. the darkest angel of all angels
Ulven i Manden - 06.01.2007 at 17:46  
Some of my favourites:

48. Remember, nothing should make sense in the shout box.
49. Unless it's a happy birthday shout.
...
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
DL-Lauri - 06.01.2007 at 20:45  
Great! I noticed that I'm following almost every single rule what was written. Oh well...
Bad English - 06.01.2007 at 21:01  
Written by Guest on 06.01.2007 at 17:46

Some of my favourites:


56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.


Hahahah ist about me
dancingdecember - 06.01.2007 at 21:36  
this is probably the best 101 along with 101 rules of BM it really makes you laugh
Basso - 06.01.2007 at 22:10  
97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.

Haha, I really respect Hemlock for putting up with all the silly rants and questions he recieves in that thread.
I mean its not like he is going to loose his faith while reading forum posts anyway.

Funny list indeed stay more br00tal than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.
Spyroid - 06.01.2007 at 22:53  
Written by Xtreme Jax on 06.01.2007 at 07:17

HAHA!!
This is hilarious dude, heaps of stuff pointed out is what you can see all around here.

75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!

.. hmm wonder who this could be


I've heard he likes wine 8)
hanna of steel - 06.01.2007 at 23:22  
I don't know if I fit in with many of the rules , but you made me laugh.

Can someone plese tell me what kvlt means
iaberis - 07.01.2007 at 00:01  
Funny sh*t!
Many digs too!
Daru Jericho - 07.01.2007 at 01:44  
Excellent. I liked the one about randomly CAPITALIZING random words in SENTENCES.

The RIP Schuldiner pisses me off too.

Daru Angelface Jericho....
BreadGod - 07.01.2007 at 01:54  
Fantastic work, Pyro! These were some of the rules I found hilarious (the ones in bold are the ones I think have a lot of truth to them):

6. Post the same thing in multiple threads.
7. When you buy an album, be sure to not only post in the "last album you've acquired" thread, but also make a post in the "last album you've listen to" thread and the appropriate band's thread.
8. Oh, and you must include a picture of it.
9. Or else no one will believe you.

10. You can never post the same thing too many times.
12. In various threads such as the "Serious Discussion" thread, make your posts as long as possible.
13. The ideal length should be about the size of a short novel.
14. Only smart people make long posts.

15. When proving a point, always be sure to overemphasize certain words by making the letters all capitalized.
16. To enhance your credibility, make your text large and bold. People will really believe you then.
17. You aren't tr00 unless you hate Trivium.
18. Remember, Trivium fucking sucks.

19. You aren't tr00 unless Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are your favorite bands.
20. Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom are the best bands everrrrrrr.
21. Proofreading is untr00.
22. Be sure to overuse words such as tr00, necro, kvlt, etc.
23. Always make sure to have a picture in your signature that's too big at least once.
24. Name as many bands as possible, even when it's unnecessary.
25. The more bands you know, the cooler you are.
29. If you are a guest reviewer, only review your favorite album and make sure to give it a higher rating than it deserves.
30. Also, only rate albums that you like, and give them a 10.

31. When voting in a poll in a thread, vote for something even though you haven't heard most of the bands/albums in the poll.
32. And be sure to admit it.
33. Proper punctuation is definitely not tr00.
34. Actually, the more illegible, the better.
35. Be as random as possible in the shout box.
36. Always include some sort of saying or poetry in your profile or signature that doesn't make any sense.
37. As long as it's abstract, you're automatically an open-minded person.
53. Think that metal is the only suitable style of music.
54. But secretly listen to Elton John.
55. That's right, you know you like him.
56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.
57. Spamming is only an excuse if you're drunk.
58. But it's still not really an excuse.
59. You can never post enough if you're drunk.
60. Unless you're a gay drunk.
61. Then please don't post at all.
75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!
77. Be sure to never read anyone else's posts and post the same thing that everyone else has done already.
78. When making fun of someone, open their profile and look at their favorite bands list.
79. You'll always find good material there.
80. If not, then just insult their age.
84. Be sure to stereotype every genre you dislike.
85. But be mad when people stereotype genres you like.
86. Dislike n00bs. They spam.
87. But be sure to welcome them in the appropriate thread in order to boost your post count.
92. Be sure to complain that the Metal-Archives server is down.
93. And while you're in a bitchy mood, why not complain about the MS server being slow?

97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.
98. Secretly be Christian.
101. If you are a traitor and actually thinking about leaving MS, be sure to make a thread about it. You really need the attention and we all enjoy reading them.

Oh, can't forget the obligatory uber tr00 necro kvlt smileys!

Hmm, this was a long post. I guess this means I'm smart. Wait, I'm already smart!
ThunderAxe1989 - 07.01.2007 at 03:29  
Written by hanna of steel on 06.01.2007 at 23:22

I don't know if I fit in with many of the rules , but you made me laugh.

Can someone plese tell me what kvlt means


it means 'Cult'

anyway, very well done. some of it actually made me laugh a little haha. I've been looking forward to this from when you shouted about it in the shoutbox. Nicely done.
BestMetalstormer - 07.01.2007 at 10:50  
4. Use big words as often as possible to make yourself sound smart, but spell them wrong and be sure to use them incorrectly
14. Only smart people make long posts
15. When proving a point, always be sure to overemphasize certain words by making the letters all capitalized.
27. Their old stuff is always better
LMAO!!!!
Paganblood - 07.01.2007 at 12:19  
97. Argue with Hemlock in the Christianity thread.


Yes, I've been arguing with him ever since I joined MS. What does Hemlock think of this?
Eight - 08.01.2007 at 12:03  
Thats so funny becouse thats so true
*extra useless post, yay!*
werama willow - 08.01.2007 at 22:00  
FUCKIN br00tal!!! haha
im a fuckin christian but ill kick any ones ass who fuckin desurves ist just like those pussy ass emo, scence, metalcore, and straight up kids...

IRON MAIDEN IS THE BEST!!!!!! deal with it bitches.

now, to go get fat from and
RavenLord - 08.01.2007 at 22:20  
Haha...I've actually noticed that I follow a lot of these myself. The best one has to be the Paris Hilton one...plain hilarity



Oh, and....CAPITAMALISE random DISCOBOMULATIONS!
BloodTears - 08.01.2007 at 22:22  
lol that was really funny. And although several ppl said it before i need to say again. its so true!
GT - 08.01.2007 at 23:15  
This just SAVED my DAY!!! Now I can go on with listning to CoB so I can be kvlt and tr00

Hmm...a very short post...I'm not smart then
Bitch Boy - 09.01.2007 at 02:59  
Fucking masterpiece!!!


Doc Godin - 09.01.2007 at 03:53  
75. Even if you don't speak English, be sure to constantly post.
76. We will magically understand you!

Bahahahaha! those two are awesome

56. If you're drunk, make sure that Metal Storm is the first place you go.

Is there anyone on Metalstorm who isnt guilty of this?
ASiema113 - 09.01.2007 at 17:32  
First off Kudos for the post, you made the eternal hate within subside for about 1 minute, but I overcame this by throwing in some Dying Fetus and putting on "Kill Your Mother, Rape Your Dog" so everyting is as it should.

These were some of the one's that I thought were the highlights of this fine post:

11. Be more brutal than a grandma doing porno.

28. Be more brutal than a semen-filled Jell-O bowl….with delicious strawberries mixed in.

52. Be more brutal than farting in a hot tub.

68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book.

83. Be more brutal than a fat dude doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but a thong.

99. Be more brutal than someone with cerebral palsy trying to tie their own shoe.

I give this post a 9 out of 10 on the Brutality Meter:










BRUTAL
Dangerboner - 10.01.2007 at 01:11  
Thanks again everyone. Next up....101 Rules of Rap
spirit_inblack - 10.01.2007 at 01:30  
Heh, gave me quite a laugh Pyro. I encourage you to continue the brutal (br00tal) saga.

68. Be more br00taL than Paris Hilton trying to read a book ~ quite hilarious
werama willow - 11.01.2007 at 16:52  
wow, that is pretty great. and i think i already put a comment on this up but oh well this is another one... hah... shyeah so uh man.. i dont know there are some pretty funny words and rules and what not up there and to tell the truth. IRON MAIDEN is my favorite band but i dont like there new album. and its the same with many bands like that. there new albums just arent as great as the old ones but eh. but i still have respect for them and there music because its ont easy.
Sunioj - 11.01.2007 at 17:46  
All this is a summary of my time at MS
{aud}devil - 11.01.2007 at 19:18  
Fucking genius!!!! But can I still listen to Elton John?
X-pert74 - 13.01.2007 at 08:39  
Most of these I thought were good, but I definitely laughed at 73. Post "RIP" every time you mention Chuck Schuldiner's name.
Damnated - 14.01.2007 at 23:13  
74. Instead of waiting for the page to load your post, hit the "post reply" button 27 times so that you flood the page with the same posts.
genious.

and I also like Be sure to complain that the Metal-Archives server is down. I do that all the time. infact, I'm going to shout it right away.
Arian Totalis - 15.01.2007 at 03:35  
About rule #5, I openly like Unearth
As a matter of fact, I openly Like Metalcore! I think I'm the only MSer who Does But trivium Still Fucking sucks.

I suppose I am one of those that writes the short Novel posts as well lol. And man, you have to make a mark on someone for your username to be brought up in a 101 rules post (Hemlock) But how True!
Bararey - 15.01.2007 at 12:21  
You've made my day

It is the most boring/slow day at the office and this made me laugh, thank you

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