101 Rules Of Being An Elitist Metal Fan


101 Rules Of Being An Elitist Metal Fan

Posted by: Captain Obvious
Date: 05.01.2017

 
7 | 3 votes
1. Remember this: Nobody is more metal than you
2. Not even Tony Iommi
3. Or George Fisher
4. Have a bigger ego than the lovechild of Yngwie Malmsteen and Gene Simmons
5. Go to as many metal shows as you can
6. But go alone every time, because nobody is true metal enough to go with you
7. You only go to shows to see the opening act
8. But stay all night anyways, standing in the back of the hall and calling everybody a poseur
9. Even the headlining band
10. Never, ever consider anything to be a joke
11. In fact, don't even laugh at anything
12. Not even at This is Spinal Tap or Metalocalypse
13. Because satirizing metal is only something poseurs do
14. Keeping that in mind, laughing is only for poseurs
15. Especially those who laugh at This is Spinal Tap and Metalocalypse
16. The point of the last 6 rules is to never have a sense of humour
17. Anyone who does have a sense of humour is a poseur and therefore not tr00 enough
18. Your entire life should only be spent in two different places: either an online metal forum, or at underground metal shows
19. No matter which of the aforementioned places you're at, make sure you tell everyone how tr00 you are and how fake and poseur they are
20. Always make sure you make fun of any popular band
21. Remember, the more you hate on any band, the more tr00 you are
22. Claim that Black Sabbath did not invent heavy metal
23. Say that (insert band no one knows of here ________) are the true inventors of the style
24. When someone says Black Sabbath invented metal, you say ''that's what the mainstream wants you to believe''
25. Then call that person a poseur
26. Be a bigger douche than the lovechild of Tim Lambesis and Kerry King
27. Nobody's opinion is more valid than yours
28. When someone else gives you their opinion, no matter how intelligent or well thought-out it is, you say it's invalid because said person likes Metallica.
29. You then proceed to call that person a poseur...
30. And say that the mainstream has corrupted his weak mind.
31. Never, ever, ever let a mainstream metalhead listen to anything from your collection
32. Instead you just call him a poseur and say the mainst... well, you get the idea
33. Understand that is pointless to try and get mainstream metal poseurs to broaden their horizons and point them in the right direction
34. They're not intelligent enough to grasp underground music anyway...
35. Besides, the only way they can be true metalheads is if they were part of the tape trading days before 1992
36. Always remember, you are better than everyone, see rule #1
37. In fact, when setting up an account on a metal website, include a word in your username that implies your superiority...
38. Examples: King, Ultra, God, Lord, etc.
39. Or, if you're actual name is unique enough, use that
40. Become a fan of a completely unknown band
41. This band is totally underrated in your eyes, and they are just... AMAZING!
42. Be sure to preach to every friend, relative, and acquaintance on how great this band is. Do the same thing on every metal forum as well.
43. When this band finally reaches popular status, claim they sold out
44. Don't buy another album from this band or attend any of their shows ever again
45. Then call them and their fans pose... need I say more?
46. Remember these three words: Anything popular sucks
47. You should always rate a band's quality in direct opposition with their popularity
48. If the band's total album sales are between 1 and 999 worldwide = BEST. BANDS. EVER!!!
49. Total album sales between 1,000 and 9,999 = They're amazing musicians
50. Between 10,000 and 124,999 = These guys are pretty damn good
51. Between 125,000 and 249,999 = Enjoyable, but nothing more
52. Between 250,000 and 499,999 = Not bad, but not good
53. Between 500,000 and 749,999 = Fucking sellout crap
54. Between 750,000 and 999,999 = Totally overrated poseur bands
55. Total album sales are over 1,000,000 = WORST. BANDS. EVER!!!
56. Be sure to memorize the following 9 rules:
57. Metallica is a poseur band
58. Iron Maiden is a poseur band
59. Judas Priest is a poseur band
60. Slayer is a poseur band
61. Motörhead is a poseur band
62. Cannibal Corpse is a poseur band
63. Pantera is a poseur band
64. You know what? Fuck it! Every metal band on the planet is a poseur band
65. Except for the bands you like
66. You should always write album reviews online, because nothing matters except for YOUR opinion
67. If you're giving an album a good review, make sure you and only 5 other people have heard said album
68. If you're giving an album a bad review, make sure it's an album from one of the 50 most popular metal bands of all time
69. Either way, no album review you write should be any shorter than 20 paragraphs in length
70. If you're reviewing a Metallica album, refer to rules #55, #57, and #68, and the review should have the length of a Herman Melville novel.
71. Make sure that you take every opportunity to hate on Metallica on online forums.
72. This includes: Sending Metallica fans private messages containing the word "poseur" at least 10 times.
73. Replying to a fan's pro-Metallica comment stating that he is weak-minded and anything he says from that point is invalid.
74. Saying how terrible St Anger was
75. Saying how terrible Lulu was
76. Saying how terrible (insert Metallica album here _________) was
77. Claiming how they dragged metal into the mainstream thus turning it into complete shit
78. Because getting more people into metal is never a good thing
79. The idea that the same people who shop at Wal-Mart, wear Axe body spray, and watch primetime sitcoms can be metalheads is unacceptable, see rule #35
80. Repeat the tasks in rules 71-76 on a daily basis... Despite the fact that you loved Metallica back in the 80's
81. In fact, you wore out your copies of Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets
82. But as of August 12th, 1991, claim that you've always hated them
83. But why stop at Metallica? You can hate any poseur band you want
84. Because these bands always care about what you have to say, it keeps them up crying at night
85. When an old band releases a new album, make sure you rant about it on every metal website on the planet, giving at least one of the following three statements:
86. "This is just not a (insert band name here _______) record, what a bunch of sellouts!"
87. "They just recycled their old material, it sucks!"
88. "If it was released by any other band, no one would like it"
89. A band's first 3 albums are their best, no questions asked
90. Anything afterwards is shit
91. In fact, any band's 4th album is where they began to go downhill
92. The 5th album is a flaming piece of turd
93. Anything released afterwards is just recycling old material or continuing the sellout spiral
94. Everything needs to be perfect
95. If it's not, it's crap
96. You are forbidden to ever contribute anything meaningful to society
97. Because this society is full of poseurs
98. Including the person writing this list, see rule #13
99. Make sure to check this person's profile to see if there's any bands he likes that you don't, then refer to rule #72
100. His opinion is invalid anyways, see rule #27
101. Why are you still reading this? The comment section is directly below, so unite with your fellow keyboard warriors!





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