101 Rules of NWOBHM (New Wave of British Heavy Metal)

Posted by: Ben2k9
Date: 08.04.2007

 
8.1 | 14 votes
101 rules of NWOBHM (New Wave of British Heavy Metal)

1. The more obscure the better
2. Hearing Metallica's cover of "Am I Evil?" does not make you a NWOBHM fan
3. Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica
4. Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash
5. Constantly complain that Thrash "killed off" NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash
6. When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like "the best genre of music, ever." Make sure they still don't understand what it means.
7. Iron Maiden after "Killers" is not NWOBHM
8. Complain that Iron Maiden "stole" Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in IM
9. Dress like you're from the 80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt
10. Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable
11. Def Leppard really really suck! (Apart from their debut)
12. When forming your own NWOBHM "tribute" band, record your album in the key of A
13. In fact, record your whole career in A
14. Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from "2 Minutes to Midnight"
15. Which was CLEARLY a rip-off from "Welcome to Hell" by Venom anyway
16. Ballads must have a clean picked intro, a crushing middle section, followed by a fast outro
17. Only write songs about sex, drugs and rock n roll...
18. And the Devil
19. Never down tune your guitars, ever (unless you're Venom)
20. You're not Venom and never will be
21. Bad production values are a MUST, if it's highly produced, it's not NWOBHM
22. Spend exactly £5.35 on producing your album
23. Did I mention the more obscure, the better?
24. Constantly complain that band X "should've made it big"
25. Complain about bands making it big and going commercial
26. Kevin Heyborne is a living legend, even if he can't keep a stable Angel Witch line-up for more than 5 seconds
27. Two words: WITCHFINDER GENERAL
28. Track down every demo, EP and single of your favourite NWOBHM band; go as far as contacting a former member and conducting an interview with him.
30. Start up a Neo-NWOBHM band...
31. But realize your only fans will probably be in Germany and/or Sweden...
32. And you can't afford to move there...
33. Nor would you want to because then you wouldn't be NWOBHM
34. Major record companies are evil; they killed off every NWOBHM act
35. Only sign with small independent record companies...
36. Or Neat
37. Brian Ross is your idol
38. Anything past 1986 isn't real metal....
39. Unless it's a NWOBHM reunion
40. Deliberately spell your band name wrong: substitute vowels for consonants (mainly y's) e.g. Tygers of Pan Tang, Tytan, Phyne Thanquz, etc
41. Name your band something completely irrelevant to the subject matter you sing about, e.g. Satan
42. Worship Diamond Head, daily, if necessary
43. Talk to mainstream metal fans about your favorite obscure NWOBHM act and tell them they're better than anyone they say (which is right, right?)
44. NWOBHM is the only genre that bad songwriting is acceptable
45. When recording your "live" album (keep in mind rule 21 and 22), dub in a few of your mates drunkenly shouting after every song has finished
46. Constantly remind people that Garage Inc. is far inferior to the original songs (especially the Diamond Head and Blitzkrieg covers)
47. Release your demo as a sleeveless 7" only make 500 copies; that way it'll be obscure enough to be classified as NWOBHM
48. Go to every NWOBHM reunion concert ever, even if they are held only in Germany and/or Sweden
49. High pitched vocals are a must. This is non-negotiable, unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
50. Keyboards are optional, keyboard solos however, are not
51. Never keep the same line-up for more than one single/demo/EP. Fire someone if you have to...
52. It'll probably be the drummer anyway
53. Motorhead and Judas Priest are not NWOBHM...
54. But they're pretty kickass nonetheless
55. To put your band in good light, tell people you used to perform at the Soundhouse, even if you weren't born in the 60s/70s...
56. They'd probably never find out anyway
57. NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
58. Scorn Metallica for stealing Diamond Head's glory...
59. Even though they played together on at least one occasion
60. Lars Ulrich is an ass
61. Barry "Thuderstick" Graham isn't
62. Track down all of Bruce Dickinson's early recordings with Speed, Xero etc...
63. Even though they are pretty average at best
64. In NWOBHM, women are acceptable band members unlike that homo-erotic Thrash malarkey....
65. Keeping in mind rule 12, record a really heavy and fast song in the key of E...
66. Make it a B-side of a lightweight melodic rock song recorded in A...
67. The A-side is intended to get "recognized"
68. Getting recognized and becoming mainstream is not NWOBHM
69. Urchin are not NWOBHM but Dave Murray and Adrian Smith played in them so it's okay
70. There's much more to Holocaust than just "The Small Hours" but their version was better than Metallica's
71. Their version of "Master of Puppets" is also better than Metallica's
72. Bass MUST be audible, but keep in mind rules 21 and 22
73. Twin guitars are a must, this is essential...
74. Unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
75. Record a load of demos, stuff them in a box, break the band up and wait 20 years until "finding" them again, release them as "The Complete Anthology"
76. Instead of recommending the more known NWOBHM bands to interested friends, show them your collection of obscure 7" singles and demo tapes, tell them "you can look but not touch"...
77. No, you haven't listened to them either.
78. The NWOBHM Encyclopaedia by Malc McMillan is your bible...
79. You have it by your bedside table and read it every night
80. Owning a few Iron Maiden albums does not make you NWOBHM...
81. Even if they are self titled and Killers
82. Track down your favorite NWOBHM bands elusive out of print "second album"
83. Realize it's crap, but keep in anyway because you just shelled out 100quid for it on eBay
84. Following rule 83, debut albums are ALWAYS a NWOBHM band's best work, this is unarguable
85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?
86. Venom's debut IS their best work, period
87. And possibly the worst produced album, ever
88. Re-release all your albums "remastered" with all your demos and EPs tacked on the end
89. Your debut album must be raw and frantic; your sophomore album must be either hair metal or AOR
90. Your album and/or single cover must be a black and white sketch done by your mate who does art in college (part time, of course) of either your band, the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
91. Don't sing about the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
92. Following rules 65 and 66, record a cheesy ballad with synthesizers, make it 9 minutes long and release the lot as an EP
93. Paul DiAnno is still cool even if he was fired from Iron Maiden and done precisely nothing since then
94. To preserve your legacy, DON'T record an album, just singles, demos and EP's, this will ensure your place in the NWOBHM hall of fame...
95. After that see rule 75
96. Record all your material in your front room or garage
97. Paradoxically, foreign members are allowed in NWOBHM bands, hell, even full foreign bands can be classified as NWOBHM as long as they played at least one gig in London during the 80s
98. Progressive elements ARE allowed in NWOBHM, unlike that boring Thrash malarkey...
99. Thrash is actually really really cool, even if it is American
100. Remember kids, the more obscure the band, the better they are!
101. Don't take this list too seriously




Comments

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Comments: 29  
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GT - 09.04.2007 at 20:47  
Hmm...not that funny, but made me smile a couple of times
Widar - 09.04.2007 at 23:41  
Great! Had a good laugh
Paganblood - 10.04.2007 at 09:47  
I can't comment on it unless I am venom.

Anyway, great work, really enjoyed reading it!
Dangerboner - 15.04.2007 at 07:54  
nice...101 rules are not easy to make.

14. "Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from "2 Minutes to Midnight""

Well, Mercyful Fate used it before Maiden did, but I always mention that lol.

#93 made me laugh the most
Lucas - 15.04.2007 at 12:25  
They were quite ok.

Witchfinder General!!!!!!
SirenianFear - 16.04.2007 at 19:09  
This is good stuff;D isnt there any rules for symphonic gothic pple??:D:banger2:
Doc Godin - 18.04.2007 at 01:30  
Quote:
60. Lars Ulrich is an ass

Damn straight.

And I love all the Venom refferences.
Opium - 18.04.2007 at 17:27  
Same here, enjoyed all the Venom references, but this list grew tiring to read after about halfway, although I'd say it's a good effort, because I know that I wouldn't be able to write a list for NWOBHM, despite how much I like the subgenre
Ben2k9 - 19.04.2007 at 13:59  
thanks guys, yeah it was quite difficult as you can imagine, a few of the cliches are simply from listening to far to much NWOBHM
+{Jonas}+ - 24.04.2007 at 01:32  
Quote:

85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?


Good one. I LMAO with the Venom references
Carrion - 28.04.2007 at 22:23  
Thanks for the rule 93. Somewhere in the rule 80 I was ready to bash the whole joke, but you remembered Paul!
orathac - 08.06.2007 at 18:15  
this rules remind me of myself
Sekhmet - 20.07.2007 at 17:19  
Woohoo another "101 rules..." This one isn't the best IMO, but I admit it must be difficult to write such a list... Anyway it's okay, and I love all the Venom references
ThunderAxe1989 - 30.07.2007 at 04:07  
Witchfinder General !!

"Welcome To Hell" came out before "Two Minutes to Midnight", Weren't Holocaust a Scottish band?......and Judas Priest aren't NWOBHM hmmmmm

very funny though.
Nimlot - 05.09.2007 at 18:30  
Written by +{Jonas}+ on 24.04.2007 at 01:32

Quote:

85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?


Good one. I LMAO with the Venom references


Yeah me too, mainly the Venom references were funny and the you act like thrash sucks but you actually like it was a good one, but the rest wasn't really funny though.
HeathenBlood - 18.09.2007 at 05:23  
great work man..
Talvi - 09.11.2007 at 00:55  
Not funny
ThrashMetal_Rulz - 18.11.2007 at 08:17  
very funny.
BurbotsRevenge - 14.12.2007 at 06:47  
pretty solid job not as good as the ones on death and black metal, but its a harder topic - good work!
juanopereira - 05.01.2008 at 02:05  
I stopped reading on rule # 50 XD
swatata - 27.08.2008 at 17:45  
I think that the rule which says that Def leppard suck isn't realy true.
Warman - 27.08.2008 at 23:03  
Good one, but I think it's less popular because... well, most of us here listen to the other genres.
Metalbound7 - 15.11.2008 at 02:23  
Very funny! rules 60 is my favorite and Diamond Head they really are Gods, a very underated band but anyway if they been well known and famous maybe they would stop being NWOBHM tough
Metalbound7 - 15.11.2008 at 02:51  
Written by ThunderAxe1989 on 30.07.2007 at 04:07

Witchfinder General !!

"Welcome To Hell" came out before "Two Minutes to Midnight", Weren't Holocaust a Scottish band?......and Judas Priest aren't NWOBHM hmmmmm

very funny though.


No, "2 Minutes to Midnight" was released in 1984 and "Welcome to Hell" in 1981 and many bands have made a similar riff since then including Maiden. And Judas Priest is not considered NWOBHM because they appeared before the NWOBHM, they don't sound raw, they don't have poor production, their debut album is not their best album, and they are not Venom. But they influenced and inspired it for sure
ThunderAxe1989 - 15.11.2008 at 03:35  
@Metalbound7: "their first album isn't their best"
LeChron James - 02.01.2009 at 07:29  
Paul DiAnno went to rehab for drinking too much...does that count as doing something?
Valentin B - 17.01.2009 at 21:16  
Man someone should add this one:

102. brag about scoring with all Girlschool members on the same night
Phil Long - 08.05.2009 at 14:40  
Unfortunatly the 101 rules are spot on.
I was in the obscure NWOBHM band, The Blitz, although of course in 1979 we hadn't heard of NWOBHM and had no intention of being obscure........
We're now collectable - how did that happen?
BoxCar Willy - 28.03.2010 at 17:37  
Written by ThunderAxe1989 on 15.11.2008 at 03:35

@Metalbound7: "their first album isn't their best"

unless you're venom.

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