101 rules of Power metal



101 rules of Power metal

Posted by: Geddysciple
Date: 23.09.2006

 
9.4 | 94 votes
1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren't metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.




Comments

Comments: 100   Visited by: 1335 users
01.10.2006 - 04:59
ThunderAxe1989
Irreligious
that was quite hilarious, I seriously laughed.

But what's wrong with Stratovarius? They're my favourite band! Seriously, what's so 'un-power metal' about them??!??!??
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03.10.2006 - 09:54
PRIMAL FEAR
Account deleted
Written by ThunderAxe1989 on 01.10.2006 at 04:59

that was quite hilarious, I seriously laughed.

But what's wrong with Stratovarius? They're my favourite band! Seriously, what's so 'un-power metal' about them??!??!??

everything danzig, everything... jk

this has to be one of the funnier lists imo, and remember kids: you have one goal - TO BE EPIC!!! lol
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07.10.2006 - 16:52
Lucas
Mr. Noise
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.

----
SLUDGE. DOOM. DEATH. Wait, what?

"The reason I'm running for president is because I can't be Bruce Springsteen." - Barack Obama
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17.10.2006 - 20:14
Sekhmet
Electric Witch
There is one rule I used to love but I didn't manage to find it here It was something like "the band that slay together, stay together..." mentioning slaying each other and Varg luckily not playing power metal...

Anyway it's still hilarious
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I wish I had a mental survival kit...
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17.10.2006 - 22:03
Lucas
Mr. Noise
It might be in the sequel..
----
SLUDGE. DOOM. DEATH. Wait, what?

"The reason I'm running for president is because I can't be Bruce Springsteen." - Barack Obama
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17.10.2006 - 22:46
Sekhmet
Electric Witch
I'll check...
Actually it is
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I wish I had a mental survival kit...
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18.10.2006 - 11:25
Doh
Who are Michael Kiske and Timo Tolkki?
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18.10.2006 - 11:34
Eight
Shapeshifter
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points
----
Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God."

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
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26.10.2006 - 23:51
Arian Totalis
The Philosopher
In Regaurds to rule #79, Why?

But anyway, that was a Great read, I love power metal.
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"For the Coward there is no Life
For the hero there is No Death"
-Kakita Toshimoko

"The Philosopher, you know so much about nothing at all." _Chuck Schuldiner.
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28.10.2006 - 05:59
GrimRocker
Account deleted
Great exept for #97. i like stratovarius. And if you oppose me i will slay you in the twighlight dawn of furious endless glory. I will then summon my enless leigons of angelic worriors to smite any all Stratovarius haters.
I leave you with this message, try anything to bring down straovarius and i will smite you with unmerciful fury and scorn.
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05.11.2006 - 11:38
Abys
Account deleted
loool be epic!!!
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18.11.2006 - 17:33
Southern Wind
Account deleted
@rule 79: hey, Virgin Steele is epic!
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19.11.2006 - 01:57
ThunderAxe1989
Irreligious
Written by Doh on 18.10.2006 at 11:25

Who are Michael Kiske and Timo Tolkki?


Michael Kiske - The vocalist for Helloween who took Kai Hansen's place on vocals after the 'Walls Of Jericho' Album

Timo Tolkki - The lead guitarrist / lyric writer / mastermind of Stratovarius
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06.12.2006 - 21:53
szultz
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.

9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.

=D

Poor BM-rs
----
m/ - Tonight I´m laughing, Tomorrow I'll be dead ...
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13.12.2006 - 05:39
Peyton
Account deleted
when i read 68 and 69 i though i was going to die.
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31.12.2006 - 07:15
Isabelle
Account deleted
EXCELLENT interpretation of a power metal musician's worst nightmare. Truth is, we all know the general themes of power metal are corny and over rated, but we like em anyway. Why should girls be the only ones who worship fairytale-like creatures and themes?
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11.01.2007 - 15:57
lordz
IzZo
Keyboards get solos, too..... looool


58. Drugs aren't metal...... NOT
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16.01.2007 - 20:47
Faux Owns
Account deleted
Hey, my favorite band happens to be power metal. Nightwish. 'Course they're also symphonic metal...
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31.01.2007 - 05:47
+{Jonas}+
I R Serious Cat
Quote:

4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.

Haha, I do that

Quote:

8. You are allowed to be blonde.

Thanks.

Quote:

27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.

Haha, there's always room for more!

Quote:

58. Drugs aren't metal.

Highly agree

Quote:

81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.

Damn! hahaha

Quote:

92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.

I was caught once... "I will search for the emerald sword!" Oops... Embarrasing
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"Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie

http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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31.01.2007 - 08:07
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Quote:
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.


Hes got a point there.
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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03.03.2007 - 21:46
Icewings
La Luna
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.

----

''Love is like a Ghost ...Everyone talks about it , but only a few have seen it ''
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09.03.2007 - 06:41
Rokisima
Account deleted
really a good read!!! Rule 96 my favourite
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28.04.2007 - 23:23
Carrion
Account deleted
It seems that power metallers sure love bm'ers
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10.05.2007 - 02:09
rageing atheist
Account deleted
I am seriously looking forward for the first Power Metal band who start singing about owlbears
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08.06.2007 - 18:02
orathac
Account deleted
wow i am in to this
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19.06.2007 - 00:39
Hanke666
Let's call this "Book of the 101 Rules Part I"
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09.07.2007 - 01:58
SteelScream
Account deleted
Epic.Tight.Pants

Good job, made me laugh a lot
And remember kids, it is not a tour, it is a CRUSADE!
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23.08.2007 - 04:14
Morgray
Account deleted
I only disagree with 2 rules here...tight pants are NOT epic OR power metal, they are just emo. otherwise pretty hilarious list
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26.08.2007 - 23:50
PowerMetal
Account deleted
A most indispensable rule book of information for every upcoming Power Metal band (and some current ones could use a remedial course)! Forget the owlbears, let's hear about kobolds, the mighty mighty kobolds.
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06.09.2007 - 16:20
nehrodwarf
really very cool (and very funny!!!)

power metal is the law... lol
----
In this life you can choose what kind of ave to be: a chicken or a phoexix. I choosen be a phoenix, cuz' I'm rebirthing from ashes

Ps: my website it's: http://gcasweb.orgfree.com
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