101 Rules of Thrash Metal

Posted by: selken
Date: 05.11.2007

 
8.4 | 49 votes
1. Be violent.
2. Be aggressive.
3. Show hate.
4. If you can't show hate, show some anger.
5. But not St. Anger.
6. You are forbidden to show emotions.
7. Well, you can show anger.
8. But not St. Anger.
9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay.
10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever.
11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people.
12. Have no courage for even killing an ant.
13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash.
14. Comeback albums are not.
15. Don't be James Hetfield.
16. Don't be Dave Mustaine.
17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay.
18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits.
19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race.
22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton.
23. Say that you cried.
24. Aha!
25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period.
26. Release your best album in 1986.
27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987.
28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!.
29. You have two options:
30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal:
32. You can go heavy: anth... mega...
33. Or tribal: sepul...
34. Maybe industrial: krea...
35. Also country: met...
36. Even punky: sod...
37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again.
38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit.
39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5.
40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums.
41. Own Master Of Puppets.
42. Actually, listen only to this album.
43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood.
44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out.
45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out.
46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out.
47. Ballads are gay.
48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY.
49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child.
50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow.
51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers.
52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them.
53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes.
54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional.
55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th.
56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd.
57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany.
58. Or from Brazil.
59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be.
60. Try to be them.
61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb.
62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb.
63. Music theory? gimmie a break!!
64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb.
65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13.
66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul.
67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15.
68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!.
69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on.
70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so.
71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King!
72. Only one member is allowed to sing.
73. Well, other members can scream at choruses.
74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey!
75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay.
76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay.
77. What?!
78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them).
79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first.
80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years.
81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on.
82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's.
83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons?
84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61.
85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash
86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64
87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13.
88. Secretly listen to Pantera.
89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums.
90. Gotcha! You are gay!
91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!!
92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do.
93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"---
94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!
95. Five more to go!
96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet.
97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet
98. Kill Bob Rock!
99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that.
100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers.
101. Done!




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Ithyphallic - 27.01.2009 at 17:46  
I do agree 80 % but i didn't like the rules 61 62......anyway it's Logical somehow..............

One question to all the metalheads thar are going to Wacken 2009...when gonna be the final list of the bands? ...until now there isn't too much of bands that we are waiting, check out the HellFest is Lauder !
Steadydrummer619 - 12.02.2009 at 02:52  
Anthrax is the gayest band ever
ARE YOU FUCKIN HIGH?!?!?!?!?!?!
Biddle127 - 10.03.2009 at 16:40  
Theoratically gay ^_^

they smile.
grey_gecko - 11.03.2009 at 08:13  
XD good stuff man.

i am not sure about wacken this year. they should have everything sorted out in two months, i mean the clock is ticking.
Wakanaboo - 02.06.2009 at 13:50  
Written by Steadydrummer619 on 12.02.2009 at 02:52

Anthrax is the gayest band ever
ARE YOU FUCKIN HIGH?!?!?!?!?!?!


that was the exact response he was waiting for
Arian Totalis - 02.06.2009 at 22:25  
Written by Steadydrummer619 on 12.02.2009 at 02:52

Anthrax is the gayest band ever
ARE YOU FUCKIN HIGH?!?!?!?!?!?!

If he was he would probably actually say that Anthrax is the Best band ever...because that's what people do when they're intoxiacated, make fabricated claims about the music they listen to. lol.
JD - 29.06.2009 at 01:23  
61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb.
62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb.
64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb.
Shogun - 03.09.2009 at 21:59  
Some of them just made me go ehh. But mostly I enjoyed it. Nice.
Morteza K. - 17.09.2009 at 01:00  
Funny!!!
MetalafterDeath - 28.09.2009 at 23:57  
Well technically if nazis death and satan are funny then youd be required to smile when you hear them spoken of so this entire list is invalid...
except for the part about st anger...
i pretend that the metallica after and justice didnt happen.
and megadeth is better anyways
MetalafterDeath - 28.09.2009 at 23:57  
Well technically if nazis death and satan are funny then youd be required to smile when you hear them spoken of so this entire list is invalid...
except for the part about st anger...
i pretend that the metallica after and justice didnt happen.
and megadeth is better anyways
NiederHaven - 27.10.2009 at 19:01  
30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal:
32. You can go heavy: anth... mega...
33. Or tribal: sepul...
34. Maybe industrial: krea...
35. Also country: met...
36. Even punky: sod...

Fucking awsome!
Ahmad - 16.03.2010 at 13:12  
I think rule #1 should be something like:"it's called Thrash metal...not Trash"...i know it's not funny but it's true.
BoxCar Willy - 29.03.2010 at 18:20  
Thats alright 8
this is a name - 27.06.2010 at 13:17  
I agree that the only good thrash is old school, and that death and black metal are dumb, but the whole thing about groove metal, or post-thrash as some idiots call it, is completely wrong in every way and that anthrax is still one of the only thrash metal bands that hasnt completely sold out, so aparently theyre doin something right that all the other thrashers arent. Oh, and about the thing about Nu-metal, lol bro. That was pretty damn funny.
Whoblehwah - 17.07.2010 at 04:47  
I like Anthrax..... so according to this I'm gay. =[
Wishmaster - 21.08.2010 at 21:03  
Meh, I liked some of the rules though...
Malevolent-Jim - 21.03.2011 at 23:49  
I enjoyed that.
Void Eater - 22.03.2011 at 08:25  
Anthrax is gay? You in some sort of madhouse? *da da-ding! audience groans*

Don't be Dave Mustaine? Who wouldn't want to be Dave Mustaine, aside from Dave Mustaine?

I found 76 funny, and there was a bit of funny truths about thrash here, but mostly.. Sorry bro, not that good.
Dies Irae - 08.05.2011 at 01:14  
83. and 93. are freakin' hilarious XD
Guib - 27.05.2011 at 19:49  
This shits funny. Im just sad at the (Hate crossover and Hate New Bands... they're so good !!!
Warbringer, Municipal Waste, Toxic Holocaust, Rattlehead, Evile, Violater !!! omg
BeastOfMetal456 - 15.08.2011 at 18:38  
Written by NiederHaven on 27.10.2009 at 19:01

30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal:
32. You can go heavy: anth... mega...
33. Or tribal: sepul...
34. Maybe industrial: krea...
35. Also country: met...
36. Even punky: sod...

Fucking awsome!

Those are very funny!
SuicidalCyco - 27.09.2011 at 20:46  
Fuck this list your gay
Troy Killjoy - 28.09.2011 at 00:33  
Seriously you big gay.
Void Eater - 28.09.2011 at 02:54  
Psh, whats gay about a bunch of long haired sweaty men ramming into eachother screaming "RAM IT DOWN!"? Metal has to be the most heterosexual musical style ever.
js2011 - 29.09.2011 at 21:09  
I like those, those are great!
MattiSalman - 21.11.2011 at 00:28  
For a Rammstein fan, you are well informed,, I do agree 10% though ...

20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
hate crossovers !!!!! did u ever heard of dri or Nuclear Assault before, its part of the scene amigo ....

dude ur half poser right now , be careful u might wake up one day and find ur self just like this alien :

Joodicator - 23.04.2014 at 00:46  
You appear to be missing the rule about giving your songs acronyms for names.

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