Rating:
4.0
Babylon Mystery Orchestra - The Godless, The Godforsaken, And The God Damned
17 February 2010


01. Catspaw
02. Apollo
03. Benai Elohim (Semjaza's Return)
04. A Constitutional Right? (I, Lucifer pt. V)
05. Jesus Save...(I, Lucifer pt. VI)
06. Hate Crime
07. Ruin
08. Viva Cristo Rey!
09. "We" Is Killin' "Me"
10. Godless
11. You're On Your Own...This Time
12. The Twelfth Imam


What is this bag of dicks? Seriously? There's bad music, and then there's music that you start suspecting it to be some sort of inside joke that you just don't understand. Dumbfounded, that's probably the best way I could describe my feelings toward this album. I'm trying to scramble for some form of coherent thought as I listen to this, but frankly the pure garbage coming through my headphones is so disarming it just brings my brain to a screeching halt.

*Calm down, take a deep breath*

Ok, it kicks off with a generic heavy metal riff that sounds like it fits into a wrestling video game I used to play over a decade ago, and as we all know, WWE has some of the most creative music on the planet associated with it. Generic or not I guess it's a pretty heavy riff...but wait...what the fuck is this? When did Hellraiser's Pinhead develop a lisp, and attempt to sing? I'd like to say it's some attempt at sounding like Andrew Eldritch, but I would hate to insult Mr. Eldritch like that.

The best way to describe this album is like coming into an empty public washroom; you've got the whole place to yourself, just as you're making yourself comfortable taking a piss, some asshole walks in and for some inconceivable reason decides to use the urinal right next to you. The music works the same way; occasionally there are bits of comfortable, safe, instrumental passages that could make good generic background music for a party, only to be completely sullied by some of the worst vocals imaginable. Before you say it - yes, I am aware this whole paragraph probably didn't make a lick of sense, but frankly I'm running out of ways to stress how much I didn't enjoy this.

I can see this project possibly bumping up from "pure crap" to "meh" some time in the future, but for Christ sakes, I pray for both the musician and listeners sake he makes the next one an instrumental or hires a capable vocalist.

I could search the dictionary 3 times over and still wouldn't find enough derogatory words to apply to this album, so I suppose it's best summed up by paraphrasing Mr. Rory Breaker:
"Is this some American cunts joke that Canadian cunts don't get? Because I'm not fucking laughing."

Performance: 5
Songwriting: 3
Originality: 2
Production: 8


 



Written on 23.04.2010 by
Doc Godin
Former EIC. Now just a reviewer guy.
More reviews by Doc Godin ››



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Mikyz - 23.04.2010 at 11:29  
The opening line was fucking hilarious, I never anticipated a review to start off like this "What is this bag of dicks?"----> Classic
I'm going to give this a listen right now, I want to know how the vocals sound. They should also think about a new band name because their current one is beyond unappealing. Awesome review XD
Fat & Sassy! - 23.04.2010 at 15:54  
I am probably going to check this out based on the sole notion of me wondering what a bag of dicks sounds like. I hope the music is as beautiful as this metaphor. >:[
BudDa - 23.04.2010 at 16:36  
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 23.04.2010 at 15:54

I am probably going to check this out based on the sole notion of me wondering what a bag of dicks sounds like. I hope the music is as beautiful as this metaphor. >:[


lol

The band's name and album title sound great..I was hoping the music was too..
silenius - 23.04.2010 at 16:36  
Listened to the songs on myspace, wtf is this shit tbh? xD worst shit evaah
Chainer - 23.04.2010 at 17:10  
It does sound like a bag of dicks. And what the fuck is he wearing in the profile pic? Lol nice armor dude hopefully its 'metal' enough to distract us from your terrible lisp!
Got Mayhem? - 23.04.2010 at 17:21  
Point for the name maybe? They obviously spent more time on that then the music.
Marcus - 23.04.2010 at 19:56  
Rating's a bit harsh, a 4.5/10 would probably be more fair. Mostly due to his medieval outfit.
Winterthrone - 23.04.2010 at 20:59  
What the fuck is that? Can't believe this guy truly tought he could sing and record himself on an album! His voice suck big time and his music is not worth recording it anyway. Pure crap that's it.
Lucas - 23.04.2010 at 21:14  
Haha nice one man. definitely deserves this.
Mr. Doctor - 23.04.2010 at 23:29  
Holy shit... This is bad man... Pure shit. The vocals were like I don't know. Damn.
ylside - 24.04.2010 at 02:39  
I think this is a joke band actually.
Who'sRichard? - 24.04.2010 at 03:05  
Quote:
When did Hellraiser's Pinhead develop a lisp, and attempt to sing?


I thought you were exaggerating, but that's exactly what it sounds like. Review sums it up perfectly.
Derwood - 24.04.2010 at 06:53  
Is there such a thing as ear wash? I could use some. A 4 is too generous. There are things that are so bad they are enjoyable as any B-movie fan knows. This is not that kind of bad. If this is a joke band, it's not funny.
Doc Godin - 24.04.2010 at 08:54  
Written by ylside on 24.04.2010 at 02:39

I think this is a joke band actually.

Aside from the vocals, there really is no sign that it is...I'm thumbing through the liner notes right now and it's just a bunch of pretentious political statements.
Valentin B - 24.04.2010 at 10:00  
LOL the dude really tries to sound ultra-dramatic but kinda fails on the first track he sounds like he's drunk as hell.. catspaw!!11

seriously, most of the times these guys sound like a kvlt version of Manowar with lousy, drunk-dramatic vocals. and on the acoustic tracks the vocals sound completely out of place.
ylside - 24.04.2010 at 12:56  
Written by Doc Godin on 24.04.2010 at 08:54

Written by ylside on 24.04.2010 at 02:39

I think this is a joke band actually.

Aside from the vocals, there really is no sign that it is...I'm thumbing through the liner notes right now and it's just a bunch of pretentious political statements.

Well exactly, I was browsing through this guy's website and all the political / religious statements makes it look even less serious haha.
Rupert - 24.04.2010 at 17:43  
What a keeper this one is!
Fat & Sassy! - 26.04.2010 at 23:48  
Wow. This album has actually generated a lot of positive reviews around the net, mostly because it's "controversial". Excuse me, but who gives a FUCK? D:<

I'm pretty sure I speak for the most of us when I say I'd rather listen to an hour of a walrus fucking an owl than one song from this guy. >:[
Doc Godin - 26.04.2010 at 23:52  
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 26.04.2010 at 23:48

Wow. This album has actually generated a lot of positive reviews around the net, mostly because it's "controversial". Excuse me, but who gives a FUCK? D:<

I'm pretty sure I speak for the most of us when I say I'd rather listen to an hour of a walrus fucking an owl than one song from this guy. >:[

Exactly. Whoever gave this guy positive reviews for being "controversial" are terrible excuses for music critics. I'm here to judge the music, if the lyrics are good (which they aren't) I'll mention it, otherwise lyrical content is completely fucking irrelevant.
Dangerboner - 27.04.2010 at 07:33  
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 26.04.2010 at 23:48

I'm pretty sure I speak for the most of us when I say I'd rather listen to an hour of a walrus fucking an owl than one song from this guy. >:[

hmm... I can't picture an owl having sex. But the cool thing is that if the dude owl is fucking the bitch owl doggie (owl) style, he could still look her in the face since their heads turn so far.
Padre - 28.04.2010 at 09:58  
Shhh... catshhhh... *burp* CAAATSHPOW! *hic!*
Visioneerie - 30.04.2010 at 00:15  
Written by Dangerboner on 27.04.2010 at 07:33

Written by Fat & Sassy! on 26.04.2010 at 23:48

I'm pretty sure I speak for the most of us when I say I'd rather listen to an hour of a walrus fucking an owl than one song from this guy. >:[

hmm... I can't picture an owl having sex. But the cool thing is that if the dude owl is fucking the bitch owl doggie (owl) style, he could still look her in the face since their heads turn so far.

LOL. + 1
Owl sex might make for some of the most sensual, naughty doggie style there is.
Paradox0 - 30.04.2010 at 01:07  
WOW this is so bad I just might force someone to listen to
Darkside Momo - 30.04.2010 at 23:49  
8 for the prod? now that's a joke
Doc Godin - 01.05.2010 at 05:36  
Written by Darkside Momo on 30.04.2010 at 23:49

8 for the prod? now that's a joke

For what it is I find the production to be fairly decent.
Darkside Momo - 01.05.2010 at 13:24  
Written by Doc Godin on 01.05.2010 at 05:36

Written by Darkside Momo on 30.04.2010 at 23:49

8 for the prod? now that's a joke

For what it is I find the production to be fairly decent.

well imo (and only that) if the myspace songs are any indication, it's not bad, but really not good either. I would have rated it at 6... But it's sure I didn't to the whole album. And compared to that crapshitty everything, I suppose the prod does sound marvelous
Dark Blood - 03.05.2010 at 19:04  
I think the only positive thing about this CD, is the fact that it made Doc write a funny as hell review. His anger made me laugh hard. Although the laughter was gone as soon as I listened to the songs...

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