Triggerman - Brand New Day

01. The Riff Holds Sway
02. I Got The Lurgy
03. The Road To Damascus
04. Brand New Day
05. Horns
06. There Strides Goliath
07. Voices

(This is the Mad Lib Review! Your suggestions can be found underlined below. Thanks for the help!)

Hailing from the land of whiskey and leprechauns (drink enough whiskey, you'll see imaginary people), we have Triggerman.

Their 2010 release, Brand New Day features seven radiant tracks of canonic stoner-metal that are so indubitably awesome that they will juggle your five dollar footlong.

From the opening mutant-like note, this ginormous band start slamming out insidious riffs and merciless grooves that loll your spine from here to Derry, Ireland and back again. They warn the sardonic listener right up front on the hoopy track that "The Riffs Hold Sway". No kidding. Seriously, folks, the horse-like riffs emancipate you like a shillelagh to the head. Like that rigorously annoying Lucky Charms cereal ad, one cromulent* listen and you'll be burglarizing yellow moons, purple legislation, green clovers and sassy diamonds.

So the hungry riffs kick particle, but what about the rest of the wonky band? Well, the sacrosanct bassist and ambiguous drummer work in concert to stomp a supreme groove that pulsates the oily riffs. Over all the chaotic drunkards the vocalist channels his inner Kaiser Wilhelm and annihilates forth like a cosmic warrior poet.

OK, the band isn't as original as chunky schadenfreude, but even still, they are more fun than trucks full of iconoclasts.

(Ok, Bitter's actual self-written closing… penned all alone and all by myself! Done like the closing minute of the Jerry Springer show. Just imagine me mugging for a camera while striking a thoughtful pose.)

SO what have we learned today?

What's fun? Mad Libs. What's more fun than Mad Libs? Metal Mad Libs.

And what's more fun than that? Triggerman.

For starters, they had the big bouncing balls to toss the dice and let you lot of bastards ghost-write half their review.

Oh. And they flat-out rawk. "The Riffs Hold Sway" indeed. Riff after riff after riff… it's infectious. You'll be grabbing a beer with one hand, tossing horns with the other. The bass and drums groove away as the backbone while the Warrior Poet vocals, part spoken-shouted, part R. Lee Ermey (think MC meets USMC) amp up the fun. I, for one, am glad these bastards live in Ireland and nowhere near me. I firmly fear that attending a Triggerman live show will result in me waking up the next morning in the drunk tank, trying to piece together the previous evening's festivities a la The Hangover. Should they ever play here, I'll be sure to fork over bail money to my wife before leaving the house.

Seriously. After letting you do Bob knows what in reviewing their album, you OWE it to the band to click the link and check them out. But my suggestion is to stock up, fill your cabinets with whiskey, your fridge with beer, and invite 30-40 of your closest friends before cranking it up. Brand New Day isn't an album. It's a party.

Final Score: Let's call this one 9 beers out of a 12 pack… or for you base 10 geeks, that's 7.5.

*so cromulent is not a real word, but they used it on The Simpsons, so I figured I'd use the suggestion here and help y'all embiggen your vocabularies.

Performance: 8
Songwriting: 8
Originality: 6
Production: 7


Written on 05.07.2011 by
BitterCOld has been officially reviewing albums for MetalStorm since 2009.
More reviews by BitterCOld ››


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Being and Time - 05.07.2011 at 19:33  
Well done. Sounds like it may very well "juggle my five dollar footlong."
BloodTears - 05.07.2011 at 19:44  
It turned out hilarious! Epic review

Thanks for using some of the words I suggested.

Actually curious about the album too.
Ag Fox - 05.07.2011 at 19:48  
Three words of mine got chosen XD
Ivor - 05.07.2011 at 19:53  
Technically hoopy ain't a word either but you can always let words by Douglas Adams slip through.

BitterCOld - 05.07.2011 at 19:57  
Fwiw, the only word I "chose" was five dollar footlong. that was too funny to pass up, so i just opted to insert it in the first "body part" field.

as for the rest, i got a lot more than i could use, soi just laid out all the words in an excel sheet. one column for verbs, one for adjectivces, etc. and would snake up and down suggestions so they weren't in order. i wrote down on a sheet of paper the closing number for each field (i.e. 24 verbs), and on a separate sheet of paper just started pumping out random numbers, making sure i bounced around up and down the range. i.e. 8, 14, 19, 2, 7, 13...

when done, inserted the words in order on the review based upon the slot in the excel sheet. i.e. first (verb) opening in the review would have been filled with 8, second with 14 in the example above.

so, outside $5penis, i didn't really "choose" anyone's words. just slightly random order with slightly random numbers.
Cuca Beludo - 05.07.2011 at 20:03  
ScreamingSteelUS - 05.07.2011 at 20:38  
Yes! You used cromulent! That was all me.
Mr. Doctor - 05.07.2011 at 21:25  
Yey! You used "Juggle" and "Oily" Juggle turned out pretty cool with the body part

Awesome... Have to check this guys out because of this.
Bigpaul - 05.07.2011 at 21:37  
The perfect soundtrack to a night on the piss........I had a smile on my face for the whole album! Just plain fun!
Ag Fox - 05.07.2011 at 22:09  
Written by BitterCOld on 05.07.2011 at 19:57

so, outside $5penis, i didn't really "choose" anyone's words. just slightly random order with slightly random numbers.
i should have bought the lottery instead D:
Milena - 05.07.2011 at 22:42  
None of mine got in, but these are way funnier ^^
Black_Handed - 06.07.2011 at 01:16  
I feel my radiant five dollar footlong being embiggenned with all that sacrosanct vocabulary. good .
MechanisT - 06.07.2011 at 14:41  
Man...I got six words of mine on this review...wasn't expecting that many...
Thanks a lot, and a great review!
Windrider - 08.07.2011 at 13:17  
Looks like an english school test *fill in the gaps* but reads very cool haha!
AngelofDeth - 11.07.2011 at 23:30  
That was pretty funny! great job!
Cynic Metalhead - 05.09.2013 at 10:24  
We should have more reviews from staff like this.
BitterCOld - 16.02.2015 at 01:04  

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