RD - I know I hardly can write 2 in same time, I lost rythem yes, and , last 2 came leither, orginaly was 1th 3 lines and then I lost, thats why there huge notebooks whit millions unfinished works what probobly never be finished

Raging dreamer, i can relate. i too am barley getting any time to write, and also, barley getting any inspiration. i've been trying to write this one poem about being a mother that relates to people having birthdays. basically, i wanna say that in the end, birthdays shouldn't really be about the person celebrating it, but the mom who gave birth to that person so many years ago. she struggled for 9 months to raise you, so the least one can do is spend the day with her rather than going out to party. i've only gotten half way, but now i'm stuck...have ben stuck for almsot a year on one poem.



anyways, id be surprised if anyone can figure out what i'm talking about in this one. its loaded with similes and metaphors. so the end result can get a bit confusing...equally dark


if you leave it, it will think...

a few months ago
i was brought to this strange little dark town.
my house is located in this dark little alley
that hardly anyone went to.
to the north of me lay 2 snow covered mountains
the snow melted and formed a tiny stream
which flow straight to my town.

shortly after i moved to the town,
the construction man made a well.
t'was oddly situated south of me.
shortly after its construction, i started thinking
if i was going crazy.

in my sleep, i hear a strange womans voice.
strange she was, as
she sang strange Scandinavian sorrowful songs.
most likely in Scandinavian. could have been
in Norwegian, German, or Swedish.
either way, i dont understand it.
when i wake up, strange lady stops singing,
and her voice is replaced by a strange
old mans voice.

during the night, while i'm awake, i run around the town.
that old mans voice is what i'm usually after.
he keeps calling me, sometimes he asks for my help,
while other times he swears at me.
i still try locating him out of curiosity...

i was never able to make any friends, as i was awake
while the world slept. so, alone at night, i walk-searching.
oh, wait, thats a lie. i made a friend named Edward.
Edward is a cat- and like the city at night, is also
painted black. Edward has a strange habit of
running around the well.
and that strange old mans voice also comes from
the general area of the well.
Now that i think about it, perhaps Edward
isn't my friend after all...

I only see him at night - and only occasionally.
and always saw him around the well.
he never said hi to me. but right before saying
good bye, he spat at me, and grinned- before leaving.

that well was a strange mystery to me.
every time i threw a stone down the well,
my action was always responded by cries.
and every time i looked down it,
someone tried throwing knives and needles at me.

winter was approaching. the mountains in the north
were covered, and the sky started turning red.
i started worrying about the man down the well,
so i started spedning more and more time with him.
i heard him coughing and sneezing, so i threw some
medicine down the well. the old man never thanked
me for it. i threw a light down the well, only to see the
old mans legs were stuck in water
that was frozen. he seemed frightened by the light,
so he broke it, and threw a knife up the well, at me.
i put a blanket over the well, just to keep the snow away
from the old man.

that night, it snowed so much,
that the blanket fell into the well.
i ran over to see if the old man was doing well.
some how the old man had constructed a long tool,
with which he succeeded in catching me. my neck strated
poisoning the well. the man pulled me towards him,
and continued stabbing me for some reason. i meant him no harm,
and yet i wasn't enraged by his actions either. but i wonder, why doesn't he love me

the next day, that little town didn't seem so little anymore. the town saw me
in daylight for the first time. apparently my birthday came early...

Well I can recognize the beginning part is about the baby inside the mom. The near endind part is very triggering my curiousity. I guess the old man can be his father. But I dont really get the depth of why the old man does stabbing .

Written by FOOCK Nam on 01.11.2010 at 17:19

Well I can recognize the beginning part is about the baby inside the mom. The near endind part is very triggering my curiousity. I guess the old man can be his father. But I dont really get the depth of why the old man does stabbing .

you're on the right path about the baby in the womb.
the last few words and the last few lines should be a give away.

give you a hint, the old man isn't the father.

Written by Soliloquy on 01.11.2010 at 19:40

Written by FOOCK Nam on 01.11.2010 at 17:19

Well I can recognize the beginning part is about the baby inside the mom. The near endind part is very triggering my curiousity. I guess the old man can be his father. But I dont really get the depth of why the old man does stabbing .

you're on the right path about the baby in the womb.
the last few words and the last few lines should be a give away.

give you a hint, the old man isn't the father.

Alright, I've read your poem. It has originality and I quite liked it. I was also intrigued by who the man was. My best guess would be "a doctor" ..?

Written by [user id=28368] on 01.11.2010 at 22:25

Written by Soliloquy on 01.11.2010 at 19:40

Written by FOOCK Nam on 01.11.2010 at 17:19

Well I can recognize the beginning part is about the baby inside the mom. The near endind part is very triggering my curiousity. I guess the old man can be his father. But I dont really get the depth of why the old man does stabbing .

you're on the right path about the baby in the womb.
the last few words and the last few lines should be a give away.

give you a hint, the old man isn't the father.

Alright, I've read your poem. It has originality and I quite liked it. I was also intrigued by who the man was. My best guess would be "a doctor" ..?

bingo!

basically the thing is talking about abortion. the old man being the doctor, thus stabbing the fetus.
the cat, edward, is supposed to be the moms partner, let that be the dad or not, doesn't matter. thats a bit unclear, and only hint is 'he spits on me before saying good bye'....

it also goes into the name as well. the name 'if you leave it, it will think...' is a play on the famous quote of 'if you build it, they will come', which is a very animal rights thing. this is just to empathize with the fetus, and almost humanize it

Written by Soliloquy on 02.11.2010 at 00:40

Written by [user id=28368] on 01.11.2010 at 22:25

Written by Soliloquy on 01.11.2010 at 19:40

Written by FOOCK Nam on 01.11.2010 at 17:19

bingo!

basically the thing is talking about abortion. the old man being the doctor, thus stabbing the fetus.
the cat, edward, is supposed to be the moms partner, let that be the dad or not, doesn't matter. thats a bit unclear, and only hint is 'he spits on me before saying good bye'....

it also goes into the name as well. the name 'if you leave it, it will think...' is a play on the famous quote of 'if you build it, they will come', which is a very animal rights thing. this is just to empathize with the fetus, and almost humanize it

Nice

So is this the whole poem or the part where you got before you got stuck?

Dear friends,

I will probably not be able to do much reviewing this week, at least not before wednesday next week, since i have an 80,000 word project to edit for my 2nd job. Keep writing and I'll catch up as soon as I get the chance. I won't be sleeping much for sure lol... Wish me luck!

Be back as soon as I can.

Raging Dreamer

Written by [user id=28368] on 02.11.2010 at 13:18

Written by Soliloquy on 02.11.2010 at 00:40

Written by [user id=28368] on 01.11.2010 at 22:25

Written by Soliloquy on 01.11.2010 at 19:40

Written by FOOCK Nam on 01.11.2010 at 17:19

bingo!

basically the thing is talking about abortion. the old man being the doctor, thus stabbing the fetus.
the cat, edward, is supposed to be the moms partner, let that be the dad or not, doesn't matter. thats a bit unclear, and only hint is 'he spits on me before saying good bye'....

it also goes into the name as well. the name 'if you leave it, it will think...' is a play on the famous quote of 'if you build it, they will come', which is a very animal rights thing. this is just to empathize with the fetus, and almost humanize it

Nice

So is this the whole poem or the part where you got before you got stuck?

regardless of what the author says, a creative piece is never fully done. its just abandoned for the time being, until the author decides to edit it again.

mine still needs some work done...

@ raging dreamer: good luck on your project!

RD - good luck

Pain is ove

Pain is over
still not fun
nowhere to run
Pain is over
still hurts
love rip me apart
Pain is over
I'm still sleeping in my bed
I don't know if I'm alive or dead?
Pain is over
My blood turns to glue
Thrills holds me with cloven hoofs
Pain is over
But the story starts again
Not much in life left to pray


Mirror Paradise

I'm standing, looking into mirrors
I see a broken man, not hero of the day
I see me standing in the mud of my future, not green in the valleys of my past
I see a million faces, cannot tell if they are friends or enemies

They say, road to paradise is easy ...after a million years in purgatory
They say, road to paradise is easy ...if you die in hunger, but don't keep anger
They say, road to paradise is easy ...if you know when it's the right time to knock on heavens door
They say, road to paradise is easy ...if you stay alive and don't try to bleed out in the bedroom's floor

Written by Bad English on 03.11.2010 at 17:10

RD - good luck

Pain is ove

Pain is over
still not fun
nowhere to run
Pain is over
still hurts
love rip me apart
Pain is over
I'm still sleeping in my bed
I don't know if I'm alive or dead?
Pain is over
My blood turns to glue
Thrills holds me with cloven hoofs
Pain is over
But the story starts again
Not much in life left to pray


Mirror Paradise

I'm standing, looking into mirrors
I see a broken man, not hero of the day
I see me standing in the mud of my future, not green in the valleys of my past
I see a million faces, cannot tell if they are friends or enemies

They say, road to paradise is easy ...after a million years in purgatory
They say, road to paradise is easy ...if you die in hunger, but don't keep anger
They say, road to paradise is easy ...if you know when it's the right time to knock on heavens door
They say, road to paradise is easy ...if you stay alive and don't try to bleed out in the bedroom's floor

your skill is extremely progressive. The first one totally got me. But I dont get the second one a bit like if it has positive attitude or not ?

Secend well depends what is possitiv

Well, I finally got finished with my monstrosity of a project. I'm very tired but happy to be done. I have a good many projects I'd LIKE to work on, so I will try to find time to work on them all. At least I can comment and review your works now, so that at least will be something enjoyable and worthwhile. Glad I'm now free to do this for you.


@ soliloquy, your poem is a very interesting take on the experiences of the soul within the womb, regardless of how it ended ... if it has indeed ended... You'd probably be really good at prose as well.

@ bad english, the first poem is a bit difficult, but it seems to be either based on depressive feelings or perhaps abuse and the feelings resulting from that. At least that's my take on it. It has a tone of hopelessness for sure.
The second poem is very very philosophically toned. It seems to point towards reflecting on one's life and facing yourself (and the many parts that make up the whole person). Again this is a very sad time to be looking in the mirror. Perhaps you did something in anger that you regret and that is why you are reflecting (hence you are a broken man). Regret in itself is like purgatory, because of the hell you put yourself through. Seems like you (or the character in the poem) are trying to find a way to forgive the person in the mirror. I think this is, aside from the mistakes in grammar, a very good attempt at describing this type of situation. Good job!

I'll try to review some of the poems from the last 2 or 3 pages in the next few days. See how far I get anyways lol...

Keep up the good work guys!

Written by whatsacow on 10.05.2010 at 08:27

The darkened sky breeds contempt, as the malevolent destroy the moment;
Lovers all but torment, and crack the sky with their bloodshed?
The heroes endure the same fate as the wicked?
Where is the justice?
Eyes of the wicked close by my hands, but have I the right to judge?

The cold embrace of the dead, the calloused palms of the wicked;
Salvation butchered; its life force bleeds red?
Captive to fate, or molested by sin?
Jealousy and pride are adjacent to destruction
I loved you? you betrayed me.

The knife bleeds whispers of the soul, the souls it betrays.
The mother, the father, the lover by one hand are cast away.
Love caresses hate until the line is frayed...
The irrefutable force of jealousy leads astray...
You killed me... and set in concrete your demise.

Ok I'll try to do one more before starting the night's work...

Wooooooow! This is really good! The entire poem is so eloquently worded. I love the mix of emotion and visuals portrayed here, and the pondering.
The first line needs only an S at the end of 'destroy' to make it grammatically complete. I would also put the word THE in front of the 5th line. There are some powerful visualisations in this first stanza. You seem to write a bit similar to me in places, in fact.
The second stanza.. i loved the line: "Jealousy and pride are adjacent to destruction" Again your words lead the reader to visualisations. I can see the red, bleeding out from the wounds, and yet you again question the source of your suffering.
The third stanza, I loved the line: "Love caresses hate until the line is frayed..." This is a very strong statement. The relationship here seems like that of a marriage or blood, either way, it is difficult to escape, and so the person you love hurts you over and over, and it becomes a love/hate relationship.

In all, this is an excellent poem. I really enjoyed it. You are extremely talented (and I mean this wholeheartedly) and should definitely continue to write. Hope you will post again soon. I'd like to see what else you can turn out.

Well, that's it for tonight. We'll see what happens this week with my schedule. Hopefully I'll be able to review a few more soon. Take care all. Keep up the good work.

Raging Dreamer

Raiging Dreamer -
1th one well its paised sortha pain, dont laught its based on tooth ache, dentist make error half year ago, and now almoust jaw infection, paralises, and infection could sperad till brains, so yiou go there in time all has been clean up and pain is over, but what be next ''suprise'' you never know

2end its I dont know I have ''voices in head'' they tell me what I shood write and I did, but all bases on personal life,e xpierience and feelings,

Written by Bad English on 10.11.2010 at 12:16

Raiging Dreamer -
1th one well its paised sortha pain, dont laught its based on tooth ache, dentist make error half year ago, and now almoust jaw infection, paralises, and infection could sperad till brains, so yiou go there in time all has been clean up and pain is over, but what be next ''suprise'' you never know

2end its I dont know I have ''voices in head'' they tell me what I shood write and I did, but all bases on personal life,e xpierience and feelings,

Oh wow those can get serious. Hope you're doing better now...

As for the voices in your head, I'm quite familiar with those. They are very good guides when it comes to poetry.

Written by Raging Dreamer on 10.11.2010 at 13:21

Written by Bad English on 10.11.2010 at 12:16

Raiging Dreamer -
1th one well its paised sortha pain, dont laught its based on tooth ache, dentist make error half year ago, and now almoust jaw infection, paralises, and infection could sperad till brains, so yiou go there in time all has been clean up and pain is over, but what be next ''suprise'' you never know

2end its I dont know I have ''voices in head'' they tell me what I shood write and I did, but all bases on personal life,e xpierience and feelings,

Oh wow those can get serious. Hope you're doing better now...

As for the voices in your head, I'm quite familiar with those. They are very good guides when it comes to poetry.

Thank's tooth yes but Im gettinmg ill it means I shood re book my dentist apoinment from monday ewhhhh
... pain is over part II

I know its offen hepens whit me, because when you write its hard you have lil drink it dont works, you drink to much again dont works, so its shood be balance and also poets, writes shood be lil wierd

Teeth's stuff on the first, that is why I feel it more positive than the second. The second is nice, somewhat painful desperation, but still the attitude "live bearing the pain till the end". The last sentence...

@Bad English: dont know if you like the voice in the head, but when seriously want it out, earpieces max volume, not bad

Written by Raging Dreamer on 10.11.2010 at 08:16

Written by whatsacow on 10.05.2010 at 08:27

The darkened sky breeds contempt, as the malevolent destroy the moment;
Lovers all but torment, and crack the sky with their bloodshed?
The heroes endure the same fate as the wicked?
Where is the justice?
Eyes of the wicked close by my hands, but have I the right to judge?

The cold embrace of the dead, the calloused palms of the wicked;
Salvation butchered; its life force bleeds red?
Captive to fate, or molested by sin?
Jealousy and pride are adjacent to destruction
I loved you? you betrayed me.

The knife bleeds whispers of the soul, the souls it betrays.
The mother, the father, the lover by one hand are cast away.
Love caresses hate until the line is frayed...
The irrefutable force of jealousy leads astray...
You killed me... and set in concrete your demise.

Ok I'll try to do one more before starting the night's work...

Wooooooow! This is really good! The entire poem is so eloquently worded. I love the mix of emotion and visuals portrayed here, and the pondering.
The first line needs only an S at the end of 'destroy' to make it grammatically complete. I would also put the word THE in front of the 5th line. There are some powerful visualisations in this first stanza. You seem to write a bit similar to me in places, in fact.
The second stanza.. i loved the line: "Jealousy and pride are adjacent to destruction" Again your words lead the reader to visualisations. I can see the red, bleeding out from the wounds, and yet you again question the source of your suffering.
The third stanza, I loved the line: "Love caresses hate until the line is frayed..." This is a very strong statement. The relationship here seems like that of a marriage or blood, either way, it is difficult to escape, and so the person you love hurts you over and over, and it becomes a love/hate relationship.

In all, this is an excellent poem. I really enjoyed it. You are extremely talented (and I mean this wholeheartedly) and should definitely continue to write. Hope you will post again soon. I'd like to see what else you can turn out.

Well, that's it for tonight. We'll see what happens this week with my schedule. Hopefully I'll be able to review a few more soon. Take care all. Keep up the good work.

Raging Dreamer

Wow. You really went crazy with the criticism. Are you an english teacher lol? I'll post something again soon. I have heaps of poetry written, I just don't post any of it. Sometimes bits of my work end up in my signature.
Do you write anything? I'd be interested to see the thoughts of someone who can take their own vivid meanings from poetry's own poetry, because after all, talent comes from observation and practise. Thank you again for your kind words.

Quote:

Quote:

Wow. You really went crazy with the criticism. Are you an english teacher lol? I'll post something again soon. I have heaps of poetry written, I just don't post any of it. Sometimes bits of my work end up in my signature.
Do you write anything? I'd be interested to see the thoughts of someone who can take their own vivid meanings from poetry's own poetry, because after all, talent comes from observation and practise. Thank you again for your kind words.

Well, at your request, I will post one of my older poems written a number of years ago. I've had a bit of trouble being able to find the time and concentration to write much of late, but you should enjoy this. This particular one was published in my very own book of poetry. Sadly, it did not sell, partly due to the fact that I (unwittingly) published through a subsidy publisher. Ah well...Live and learn. I've been looking for a good place to publish the poems I've written since then, but haven't found a place I feel confident in. I've even contemplated posting them for free someplace all at once, so people could enjoy them, but alas, I do not know where, aside from deviant art, that I might do that. My darlings do deserve to be shared though. Let me know if you find a good place to share them where they will definitely be read and enjoyed. At any rate, you should all enjoy this. I'm a bit too tired to try to review tonight. Work was exceptionally harsh tonight, and my main computer decided to start acting weird and I had to reformat, and it's still having a lot of problems, so I'm out of my element a bit lol... (currently on my son's computer) Hopefully I can get things fixed soon and can do some more reviews for you guys. We'll see how things roll...

P.S. No, I am not an English teacher, though if I had time to go back to school, I might study to be one. My second job, however, is editing/proofreading texts translated from one language into English, so I've had plenty of practice.

At any rate, without further ado... one of my own


The Storm


Chaos awaits in the swirling tides of the tempest.
"Bring me closer to the fear within fears,"
For I face the monstrous, infernal anger of the beast,
Stinging my eyes with the fearsome tears of the earth's wrath,
Screams in my ears from the sirens of the south.
Three sisters hail the temptations of man, calling out the names, one by one.
"Bring thee to death's door; follow the screaming voice of doom!"

I wait in awe at nature's dark caress.
Fascination enthralls my body with visions and dreams.
Racing with the blood that courses through my veins; my heart, a pounding tribal drum.
"Monstrous leviathan of ages, thick oceans of stormy breath,
I await thy destruction with an angry defiance!
Scales of bluest green, jaded eyes of hate unkempt, the serpent's wake within the seas,
I will live on to spite thee, in the eye of gales and hellish evil, wrapped in death."

Scent on the horizon of dreams, a hideous warning in the sky, the fires of Hades reborn,
Crashing on the shores of oblivion, I will view the destruction of man.
Vortex of Neptune's wrath, the creatures of the deep emerge .
Songs and wails call from beyond the break; the barriers have fallen in fear,
Until no one dares to stand in the way of the forceful winds, bearing her scepter.
I hear the footsteps of the majestic queen of life, within the screams and gales,
Her call, to a time of ending, of reflections on the waves within.

The mother walks within the storm, rains falling in a flood of tears.
Her daughters hail her entrance in a quickening thought.
"Respect her path, or pay the price of a fool's ignorant pride!
She is the bringer of life and death, upon wings swift and sure."
A monster feared by all, or an angel blessed by grace, she mourns the dawn.
Hail the tempest of ages, sorrowful screams in the night; her pain is unknown but to few.
Listen closely to her song in the gales, the soul of the earth, heard in the seas of life.

Quote:

Quote:

Written by Raging Dreamer on 11.11.2010 at 09:01

Wow. You really went crazy with the criticism. Are you an english teacher lol? I'll post something again soon. I have heaps of poetry written, I just don't post any of it. Sometimes bits of my work end up in my signature.
Do you write anything? I'd be interested to see the thoughts of someone who can take their own vivid meanings from poetry's own poetry, because after all, talent comes from observation and practise. Thank you again for your kind words.

Well, at your request, I will post one of my older poems written a number of years ago. I've had a bit of trouble being able to find the time and concentration to write much of late, but you should enjoy this. This particular one was published in my very own book of poetry. Sadly, it did not sell, partly due to the fact that I (unwittingly) published through a subsidy publisher. Ah well...Live and learn. I've been looking for a good place to publish the poems I've written since then, but haven't found a place I feel confident in. I've even contemplated posting them for free someplace all at once, so people could enjoy them, but alas, I do not know where, aside from deviant art, that I might do that. My darlings do deserve to be shared though. Let me know if you find a good place to share them where they will definitely be read and enjoyed. At any rate, you should all enjoy this. I'm a bit too tired to try to review tonight. Work was exceptionally harsh tonight, and my main computer decided to start acting weird and I had to reformat, and it's still having a lot of problems, so I'm out of my element a bit lol... (currently on my son's computer) Hopefully I can get things fixed soon and can do some more reviews for you guys. We'll see how things roll...

P.S. No, I am not an English teacher, though if I had time to go back to school, I might study to be one. My second job, however, is editing/proofreading texts translated from one language into English, so I've had plenty of practice.

At any rate, without further ado... one of my own


The Storm


Chaos awaits in the swirling tides of the tempest.
"Bring me closer to the fear within fears,"
For I face the monstrous, infernal anger of the beast,
Stinging my eyes with the fearsome tears of the earth's wrath,
Screams in my ears from the sirens of the south.
Three sisters hail the temptations of man, calling out the names, one by one.
"Bring thee to death's door; follow the screaming voice of doom!"

I wait in awe at nature's dark caress.
Fascination enthralls my body with visions and dreams.
Racing with the blood that courses through my veins; my heart, a pounding tribal drum.
"Monstrous leviathan of ages, thick oceans of stormy breath,
I await thy destruction with an angry defiance!
Scales of bluest green, jaded eyes of hate unkempt, the serpent's wake within the seas,
I will live on to spite thee, in the eye of gales and hellish evil, wrapped in death."

Scent on the horizon of dreams, a hideous warning in the sky, the fires of Hades reborn,
Crashing on the shores of oblivion, I will view the destruction of man.
Vortex of Neptune's wrath, the creatures of the deep emerge .
Songs and wails call from beyond the break; the barriers have fallen in fear,
Until no one dares to stand in the way of the forceful winds, bearing her scepter.
I hear the footsteps of the majestic queen of life, within the screams and gales,
Her call, to a time of ending, of reflections on the waves within.

The mother walks within the storm, rains falling in a flood of tears.
Her daughters hail her entrance in a quickening thought.
"Respect her path, or pay the price of a fool's ignorant pride!
She is the bringer of life and death, upon wings swift and sure."
A monster feared by all, or an angel blessed by grace, she mourns the dawn.
Hail the tempest of ages, sorrowful screams in the night; her pain is unknown but to few.
Listen closely to her song in the gales, the soul of the earth, heard in the seas of life.

My interpretation (Which will be very wrong and very convoluted and terrible): The storm is metaphorical, it is entirely emotional. "Bring me closer to the fear within fears," For I face the monstrous, infernal anger of the beast," (very bad use of punctuation in my quoting, worked 11 hours today but you'll get over it) Seems to me to reference our civility, and our not wanting to face our animality. (Was going to say beastiality... didn't find it overly appropriate wordage). This is coupled with the renferences to the god's, with man's basic instinct to worship something, even if those that we worship are more flawed than ourselves.

But yes, completely wrong I'll bet, but poetry is supposed to have a different meaning for each individual... In my oppinion anyway.

Here is another poem I wrote a few years ago, one of the first I wrote. It is no where near as good as the last one, but I'll post it again.

Empathize with chaos; it wouldnt be the last time
You killed the very essence of integrity, burning your bridges.
Stabilising innocence; falling into shame
You couldnt love me, and you know it, so dont even try

As burdened as a stone with no name,
Knowing not past, only shame and pain
When every shadow cast brings back your name
The dilemma overwhelms

When love turns to regret, turns to hate
When your innocence is intertwined with fate
When nothing you say can heal my shame
I stopped listening

As purposeful as you in the end
I really wish I never knew you, wish you werent my friend
That way I could blank you out

Maybe one day youll love again
Until that day, just hate, you dont have friends
Just targets to express your pain, regret
And utterly destroy, so they know how you feel

When hate starts reflection, and turns back to love
The cycle starts again.


P.S. You could probably start up a blog somewhere for your poems.

Quote:
My interpretation (Which will be very wrong and very convoluted and terrible): The storm is metaphorical, it is entirely emotional. "Bring me closer to the fear within fears," For I face the monstrous, infernal anger of the beast," (very bad use of punctuation in my quoting, worked 11 hours today but you'll get over it) Seems to me to reference our civility, and our not wanting to face our animality. (Was going to say beastiality... didn't find it overly appropriate wordage). This is coupled with the renferences to the god's, with man's basic instinct to worship something, even if those that we worship are more flawed than ourselves.

But yes, completely wrong I'll bet, but poetry is supposed to have a different meaning for each individual... In my oppinion anyway.

Here is another poem I wrote a few years ago, one of the first I wrote. It is no where near as good as the last one, but I'll post it again.

Empathize with chaos; it wouldnt be the last time
You killed the very essence of integrity, burning your bridges.
Stabilising innocence; falling into shame
You couldnt love me, and you know it, so dont even try

As burdened as a stone with no name,
Knowing not past, only shame and pain
When every shadow cast brings back your name
The dilemma overwhelms

When love turns to regret, turns to hate
When your innocence is intertwined with fate
When nothing you say can heal my shame
I stopped listening

As purposeful as you in the end
I really wish I never knew you, wish you werent my friend
That way I could blank you out

Maybe one day youll love again
Until that day, just hate, you dont have friends
Just targets to express your pain, regret
And utterly destroy, so they know how you feel

When hate starts reflection, and turns back to love
The cycle starts again.


P.S. You could probably start up a blog somewhere for your poems.

Very interesting interpretation of my poem lol... I hadnt thought about it being interpreted as such, however, the poem was indeed about a real storm. At the time, Hurricane Ivan was bearing down on the east coast as a category 5 hurricane. The massive destruction it threatened inspired me to write this, and I even used a few sailor's terms, or tried to, in there from various things i'd heard in the past. Whether they be correct or incorrect, I cannot confirm lol...These are very old terms anyways, perhaps even stemming from Greek mythology.

As for yours, yes I can tell it's not as mature as your last poem, but it's still really good. My first poems started out sounding like death metal lyrics lol...
I could see the unintentional attempt to rhyme in places, as that is quite natural when beginning poetry. Somehow we all feel the need to do this, but it is not necessary and a lot of times disrupts the emotional promise of the words. Still, I can feel a lot of hatred and hurt emanating from the poem. A bit less eloquent for the most part, but there was still that spark that has now grown into a full flame with your later poems. You seemed more or less to be simply expressing your feelings, no matter how they came out, and in this case they seemed pretty straightforward.
Still, by comparison your writing seems to have matured about the same as mine did. I just wish I could concentrate to write like I used to. I have a good many distractions when I actually have the time, so its quite difficult. Makes me want to move to a nice, quiet cliff by the shore lol, where I would only be forced to listen to the sea. Anything else would be my own choice.

At any rate, my main computer is still down and I am on borrowed time on this computer. Keep posting guys! I'll try to review as often as I can. Cheers!

Raging Dreamer

Here is another one. Again early one because I haven't written anything recently, but its good to have someone review them, so you can develop your skills.

Shadow of Obscurity

talking in my sleep again
speaking tongues i cannot speak
i drift, wait, am i awake
can you see me?
ignorance is bliss they say
but its ignorance thats killing me
i drift, wait am i awake
or is this just a dream?
i fell out of my bed again
reality befalls my friend
the re-occuring dream ends
still i wonder if im awake
i cannot sleep, i cannot wake
anything real seems so fake
i lie in bed and tell myself
that this is just a dream

so far so good
i can't feel the pain
maybe this is all a dream
that will soon go away
but maybe i've calliced at last
deadened by a broken past
hiding in the shadow cast
by obscurity
lightening fast incinuations
break me into fragmentatinons
torture me with accusations
of infidelity

Heres a new one, that i wrote an hour or 2 ago. Its one of the more personal ones ive written, so yeah.

The Sin of the Night

Empty.
Corroded.
A stir in tranquility, as the sons of men praise
The ignorant, and the worthless,
The pitiless and the damned.
Self loathing.
Despair.
One night of indulgence, the fate of another sealed.
Echoes.
Recurring nightmares of ignorance and insolence,
The death of innocence in the very one I swore protection.
An end to clarity.
A muddying of waters.
Epavescent hearts corroded by guilt and self pity.
Worthless.
Condemned.
Patternless Static Emerges from the silence, Echoing damnation
To all that wish it...
The heart is treachouress, the flesh is weak
Temptation rears its ugly head and pleads,
Begs you to fuck it up again and again.
Desolate.
Barron.
Diseased.
Overburdened.
Rejoice in this curse, laugh in our misery
Be merry in destruction,
Intoxicated
Tempted.
The siren pulls me in, how can i resist?
The unprotected reap the consequences.
The foolish die by their own doings.
Purity desecrated by desire.
Evil or stupid?
You preordain my existence
Your body the temple of demons
Your mind the resting place of angels.
Your heart the playground of sadists
Your tongue unbridled and unremorseful
As you tell of our undoing,
As you gloat about our weakness
And weep over our lack of self control.
Tell yourself it was love, Although incapable of anything of the sort.

Written by whatsacow on 13.11.2010 at 11:13

Here is another one. Again early one because I haven't written anything recently, but its good to have someone review them, so you can develop your skills.

Shadow of Obscurity

talking in my sleep again
speaking tongues i cannot speak
i drift, wait, am i awake
can you see me?
ignorance is bliss they say
but its ignorance thats killing me
i drift, wait am i awake
or is this just a dream?
i fell out of my bed again
reality befalls my friend
the re-occuring dream ends
still i wonder if im awake
i cannot sleep, i cannot wake
anything real seems so fake
i lie in bed and tell myself
that this is just a dream

so far so good
i can't feel the pain
maybe this is all a dream
that will soon go away
but maybe i've calliced at last
deadened by a broken past
hiding in the shadow cast
by obscurity
lightening fast incinuations
break me into fragmentatinons
torture me with accusations
of infidelity

Well, before I get started on my editing project for the evening, I'll see what I can do in the poetry review department lol... It's been a long night at work (at my first job) and I have to work at the other one because that project is due Monday morning at 2am Eastern U.S. time (there are 7 hours between me and my clients, so I work mainly at night for them...), so let's see what I can get done!

This poem sounded a bit sing-songy (if you'll pardon the expression). Again, you felt that desperate need to rhyme, but in this case, it was almost delightful.
There were just a few spelling errors. (Please forgive me, since this is what I do for a living lol ) correct spellings would be REOCCURRING, CALLOUSED (and the proper grammar for this would be "I've become calloused"), INSINUATIONS, and FRAGMENTATIONS (although the spell-check on metalstorm doesn't like that word... go figure).

In all, I quite enjoyed the insinuated references to the state of lucidity in places. It seemed you were at least toying with the idea.
They rhyme seemed a tad bit Poe(ish), and there was a definite rhythm going on here that I liked. Emotionally, it could have been better, but then I think this poem might not have been what it was in the meaning of deliberation that seems to be a theme for your previous works. All in all, a very good job on this one. I quite enjoyed it.

If you ever wish to publish any of your poetry, feel free to run it by me so that I can at least correct the misspells and suggest fixes for anything else I might spot. Thankfully, in most cases, poetry is much freer than traditional English prose.

@ whats_a_cow, I'll refrain from quoting your 2nd poem to save a little space on the thread. The Sin of the Night - Yay! No rhyming! Congratulations, you just took the next step to beefing up the emotions of your poetry, since you are free from the need to rhyme. I quite enjoyed these two lines " An end to clarity, The muddying of waters" Were you listening to the voices in your head on this one? If so, then they clued you in to some of the symbols of the dream world. And at night, you see these things as you dream. Indeed, in dreams, muddy waters are a reference to the inability to see through a situation you are dealing with in the waking world.

"The death of innocence in the very one I swore protection" This line needs to be slightly reworded, as the grammar problems here are a bit distracting. I would suggest possibly saying: The death of innocence in the very one to whom I swore protection" although this may slightly disrupt the rhythm. You might also say something like: You, whom I swore to protect, yours is the innocence that has been slaughtered like a lamb ...(as worded in two lines)... well, for a one-liner, I haven't lost my touch Of course, this is simply suggestiveness, and a mere idea you could use when writing future poems.

There's a word here that bothers me, only because I think it does not exist. I cannot find it anywhere on google, nor anything even similar. "Epavescent" Do you mean Evanescent? Which would mean fading or disappearing. In essence, Fading hearts corroded by guilt and self pity? Is this what you meant?

"Patternless Static Emerges from the silence, Echoing damnation". This line is a particular favorite in this poem. It's almost eerie and induces some very strong visuals and thought patterns. I like!

"Rejoice in this curse, laugh in our misery
Be merry in destruction," I love this paradox you chose to use. It has the mark of insanity, which is a trait of all poets and artists alike. Edgar Allan Poe said something to the effect of "Be bourgeois in life, yet mad in the art" It's not a direct quote but it was something similar. I quite agree with this view. As for these two lines,

The line "evil or stupid" I might have worded slightly differently myself, but, you could make a minor adjustment and say "Evil or Stupidity", which seems a little less like name-calling, or at least that's how my mind interpreted it. Of course, this is your choice.

"Your body the temple of demons
Your mind the resting place of angels.
Your heart the playground of sadists"

These three lines have some very strong visuals, however, it would be interesting to try to add a bit of atmosphere after this point, to intensify the meaning. Hmmmm.. In fact, it would be interesting to write an entire poem based on these three lines. Geez, now I'm inspired. I hope I can find the concentration to write again soon. You guys are driving me crazy wanting to write At any rate, I love these three lines for their visualisations. Lol please pardon the fact that I keep switching between UK English and U.S. English. I speak U.S. English, yet 99% of my work is done in UK English

The last line "Tell yourself it was love" leaves the reader feeling bittersweet, which is actually a good way to end this poem. All in all, I loved the tone throughout, and the way you chose to use the one word lines for emphasis. I've done so in some of my poems as well.

I would suggest perhaps experimenting with a bit of atmosphere, if you dare. Your poetry is quite amazing really. I'd love to see it blossom and grow even more. You've really inspired me, too, and for that I thank you. I feel the passion for the art bubbling up inside, and that's a feeling I haven't had time really to feel in a long time. It's wonderful really. I hope I will indeed write something soon. Keep up the good work!

And to everyone, the same offer goes to you all. If you are thinking to publish any of your poems in magazines or books anywhere, and would like for me to take a look at them before they are submitted, I would be more than happy to do so. Keep writing guys! All of you! And don't let anyone discourage you from doing so. If they try, you have my permission to hit them in the head with some power-driven words of choice! lol...

Take care all. I hope to return soon to review some more poems!

Raging Dreamer

Well, I'll post one more of my own. See what you think of how this is written. It's one I wrote almost 4 years ago, which is the last good run of poetry I had before things took a turn for the worse emotionally, and I was too busy and too distracted to be able to write very often. Enjoy, and I'll review a few more poems next time I am able.

A Dream of Sleep...


The stars hide far away
In the darkness of my mind
As the flames grow dim inside
Seeking solitary warmth
Yet finding emptiness and cold
Within tired unblinking orbs

Sleep has forgotten me
Somewhere in the misery
Pacing anxiety in service to the night
Lost in half-dreams and silence
Desperate, slowly dying
Another victim of the mirror
Another horror stalks the fear I hide

Passing through etherium
Breathing deep then not at all
A wish for peaceful fantasy
Drowned by struggling madness
Gasping for life
Leaving claw marks on the corridors within

Oh labrynth, swallow me
Take me to thy netherworld
Oblivious to the morning light
Rest has fled so far away
Chasing fireflies
In some long-forgotten realm
In some distant palace where my soul resides

Wandering through these halls
Anticipating death to call
Grasp the blade to close my eyes...
Dreaming in a fog
Past the break, I've come this far
Waking daylight comes again


Copyright, Lisa J. Skaggs 2007

@Raging Dreamer:

Evanescent* yeah.
A lot of them are typo's, but some are merely because I am Australian, and some of our spelling is different. Just thought I'd tell you so you didn't think I was completely illiterate.

Written by Ellrohir on 25.07.2009 at 15:15

This should be an opening speech for my power/folk metal band's album...the problem is, this is the only work i have done...

The Legacy of Emberthrone

Raging winds under starglittering nightsky
Whispering stories from ancient times
When neverfallen Kings from Emberthrone
Ruled upon Lands of the Sun and the Moon
With might, wisdom, courage, dignity and glory
With power to calm down thunderstorms of destiny
And to tame firebreath of time dragons

Long live the memory of Emberthrone in hearts of mortal men
To remind times when gods walked over Earth and legends came alive
Elder ages buried under sands of time
Never to return again

Thus, they shall never been forgotten
As long as the fire of Emberthrone
Still burning in the very heart of the World

Definitely great for lyric writing of the sort you refer to. I would only change one word in the last stanza, first line. BEEN needs to be BE
Otherwise it's definitely got that poetic spark and wonderful imagery and feel, as well as chosen wording. You are pretty good at the lyrics

Quote:

Quote:

Thanks! As often it is based on my own experiences of life.. treated with a more poetic viewpoint.

By the way, here is another one. It's a bit "gloomy" but anyway.. There is no title either..

Feast on my rotten corpse, dance on my broken grave
You've slashed my flesh, torn apart sy soul, drunk my blood
You've cursed my name, denied I once lived

Worms, crows, you ate all of me, infected my tomb
You, livings, you've not even tolled the bell for me
Quickly burried your memories, dried your false tears

Light the candle, open your veins, kill yourself
Spit on your life, your hardship, be delivered
Hate the Sun, despise it, go back to Nothingness

And I've drown on my own tears and in my own blood
My ship sank in a sea of poison, of sorrow
I've broken the pledge myself with a silver blade

An altar, many scars, die now!
Forget me forever, erase your memories
You've pulled out my bleeding heart from my opened chest

Your first poem was quite visialistic, as is this one. Thick with visuals. This one is quite good though, and has that air of madness that makes some poems really sing. You've got just a few typos, but they weren't too distracting, and like one small grammar mistake but these weren't so bad that I was like screeching to a halt
I loved the way you mixed the imagery with deep emotion here. The poem felt bitter throughout. You should try to allow yourself even stronger emotion. You've got the knack for it, as I can sense through your poetry. You're well on your way to heightened atmosphere as well. This is really excellent writing. Push through your barriers and allow yourself to explore any and all emotions, whatever they are, and allow yourself to feel the wind against your cheek, or feel your skin respond to a lover's breath against your neck. Delve deep into every sensation until the atmosphere is so immersive you literally hold your readers captive. You have this in you. I can sense it. What you've written already is just a hint of what I believe you can do, so let's take it a step up and see what you can pull out of yourself. You're a very VERY talented writer and can already cause your reader to feel pleasure or pain where you will it. Keep up the good work. I'd like to hear some of your other poems, and just because they are dark does not mean they are not worth sharing. You have stumbled across a forum where you are free to express these darker emotions, as well as the lighter ones filled with peace or beauty and admiration, as with the previous poem. Go for it! Let's hear more!




As for everyone else, just because I post one or two of my poems should not mean that shuts down the thread for days to weeks on end. You do not have to comment on any of my poems if you do not wish to, but I would like to hear your poetry. My posts are not meant as a comparison, but are meant to inspire, so keep writing everyone, and post those poems. Don't hide your works just because you may feel a little intimidated, which I somehow sense. You guys inspire ME with YOUR writing. I LOVE reading your works and I mean this! If I did not think it worth the time, I would not bother to comment on your poems. It makes me feel worthwhile to do this for you and I do this as a voluntary service to you as a humble observer. So keep posting whatever you write. I look forward to seeing your talent blossom! You guys are all worth it to me . If I have misinterpreted your silence, please forgive me. It was just a bit disheartening not to see any new poems posted. This is a passion of mine, for sure!

Looking forward to seeing new poems soon!

Yours truly,

Raging Dreamer

P.S. @ whats_a_cow I did not mean to insinuate that you have a lack of literacy I just have a habit of trying to correct spelling, due to my second job, and I'll even go so far as to look these up on the net to make sure they are right, since I myself am not perfect at spelling everything. The English language has some pretty tricky spellings, even for us native speakers lol... But do continue to post your wonderful poems. I am in awe at your talent!

Edit: For some reason the original poster's name did not show up when I quoted her, this poem was done by Wilkinson