Fuck The Public Transport
I hate public transport. Period. Why-o-why am I bothering myself with writing about it instead of enjoying my weekend? Well, because tomorrow I have to take a 50-minute trolley trip to my grandpa's to fix his internet connection problem. Here's how I see this working out - I get there, hit the 'refresh' key and say "well there's your problem." Then of course I have to take an equally tedious trip back home and all that on a bloody sunday - time well spent!
Now if you have never seen a trolleybus - it's basically this bus with horns on top, and as horns usually indicate a devious essence (except with cows), then surely enough the trolley is not a "swell ride" - it's loud, bumpy and smells of excrement and cheap perfume. Should any regular 50 year old plus public transport user read this entry by a freak chance, here's a few tips - if you're taking the bus to work, lay off the goddamn aftershave and for the love of god, NO COMMUTING AFTER VISITING THE FUCKING FISHMARKET!!! Seriously, I once had the horror of traveling in the same trolley with a fisherman and woman dipped in cologne, both pressed hard against me, as the damn trolley was full. Being under crossfire from rotting salmon and 99-cent "perfume" is not my idea of fun. I'm normally not suicidal but damn it, on that particular morning I really wanted to kill myself and everyone around me.
So, how to make the experience, uh - less horrifying? It usually helps if there's a babe in a miniskirt around for me to stare at. Yes, it's cold right now but there is a surprisingly large number of hot chicks out there who aren't afraid of their ovaries freezing over in the -15 C weather, thus keeping the northern viking-men very, very happy. I could also try and engage in a philosophical monologue but I always end up playing human Q-bert in my head or leaning towards severe misanthropia when inside a bus. Smoking pot would surely make the journey more tolerable but of course marijuana is illegal in the Great State of Estonia. That's right - grass is considered "dangerous", whereas the ultra-smelly and probably highly contagious trolleys are not. How messed up is that?!
Luckily enough, that's where rock music comes in. Thus I'm going to list a few songs that might hold back my excessive projectile vomiting while riding in a trolley.
1. Nashville Pussy - Go Motherfucker, Go - admittedly not the best choice since the damned trolley only does about 40 km/h. But it's high octane and therefore rather sedating.
2. Down - Trolley Bus is a Dying Whore - Yes, I know, I changed the title a bit. But the song sounds really heavy and mean and I don't have anything against New Orleans. I do, however, utterly despise trolleys.
3. Turbonegro - Mobile Home - this is a perfect song for long-range public transport raids since the desperation inside the vehicle makes you feel like you're gonna be stuck there forever.
4. Fu Manchu - King of the Road - the main line, "King of the road says you move too slow!" works for fast rides as well as pussy public transports. That's right, "p" is for "pedal to the metal", you wanker...
5. Iggy Pop & The Stooges - My Idea of Fun - This is one of the best apathetic random killer songs ever made and it suits the anguish of a long trolley ride dead on. Sometimes I forget that I have my headphones and I actually sing the chorus along - "My idea of fun is killing everyone...". It cleares the bus rather quickly, I must add...
6. Jimi Hendrix - Crosstown Traffic - I honestly think that when Jimi wrote this song, he had trolleybuses in his drug-riddled mind. He foresaw the Apocalyptic Wagons from Hell, I'm sure.
7. Slayer - Eyes of the Insane - I actually never really got into that song. That is until I listened to it in a trolleybus - suddenly the message became painfully clear. Honestly, it's like Baghdad in there - anyone might be packin' a bomb (or a fishnet) but you can't take 'em out cause of the dumb-ass rules of engagement.
8. Skid Row - Get the Fuck Out - sends a clear message to some particular co-commuters... That means everybody.
I actually wrote this entry a few months ago but forgot to post it due to a sudden violent attack of blood-bursting-from-my-nosies. So I'm posting it now since I sense a disturbance in the Force - I fear I must undertake the journey again in the following days. There have been other signs - I saw a trolleybus in my dreams last night and yesterday a White Unicorn descended from the Heavens and told me to "take a bus, you mother fucker!" Therefore, I need your help to figure out more songs that would help me endure the trip. Consider this the "Commuters Anonymous" topic.
Also, a preemptive strike against car owners - you don't know what it's like, so pipe down!
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| Marcel Hubregtse
Grumpy Old Fuck
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