8 Ways To Be Socially Ostracized At A Show

Written by: Doc Godin
Published: 13.11.2009
It's Friday night, you're getting really pumped for a show, so you slam back a few drinks and crank up your favourite album by tonight's performing band to get your stoke on. You get to the show, chat with your friends for a bit, then get yourself prepared for the nights onslaught of metal. As the show begins, like moths to a flame, the jackasses come out. Now, of course a concert is a good time to let loose and go crazy, but there is certain etiquette that all concert attendees should abide by. This blog is merely an observation of the 8 main types of etiquette defilers who inadvertently ruin everybody's good time. The ones that make you say to yourself "Why don't we just kill these mutherfuckers?" Well, unfortunately homicide is highly frowned upon by most governments, regardless of circumstance, but the thought is still there. I feel I'm doing a public service by perhaps bringing out this etiquette in written form, so perhaps we have some form of written guideline for the future.

1. The Chip N Dale Dancer
This is a rock concert, not a swimming pool - keep your Goddamn shirt on. The removal of shirts at a concert shows nothing more than an unhealthy amount of testosterone running through someones body. There's nothing worse than being shoved against someone without their shirt on, 2 things happen; either A) You play slip n' slide off the persons broad, unnaturally sweat coated back, or B) You get leather couch syndrome. Ever pass out on a leather couch and have to peel your face off when you wake up? Yeah, it's basically the same thing. Have you ever noticed that these shirt-removers are usually the most aesthetically unappealing human beings imaginable? The fat bastards and the unfortunate folks with severe bacne?

Luckily, they don't call me the Doctor for nothing, I'm pretty sure if there was an anthropological degree in spotting potential dickwads, I'd be a University Professor with a PhD in no time. I've learned how to spot the "Chip N Dale Dancer" even before they "unveil" themselves. How you may ask? Well, the shirt remover is generally the guy who struts around in circles in the mosh pit, shoulders raised & pushed forward, and the bottom half of the jaw jutting out at an irregular distance, much resembling that of a neanderthal. When you spot this at a concert, rest assured you will see that man's nipples by the end of the night.

I would really like to know what goes through these peoples heads. Too hot? Step back for a few minutes and drink some water. Trying to show off? Keep in mind 90% of the people you are surrounded by are male, most of which wish to cause you severe physical trauma at this point. So why? The only answer I can logically conceive is the simplest one: Stupidity.

* "Chip N Dale Dancer" term courtesy of my friend Alexander Wolfbaer Switzer.

2. The Princess
Possibly the most narcissistic of the bunch. This is the asshole who makes sure he gets front and centre at every show, but will defend his personal space at the expense of others physical well being. They have no qualms about elbowing the person being pressed against their back in the throat, or throwing a foot backwards into their crotch. They seem oblivious to the fact that the person who's breathing down their neck isn't doing so by choice, they've got about 6 rows of people ploughing them forward. These people are so arrogant they think just because they showed up early enough to get to the front, they have their own separate laws of physics, and anyone who defies that shall receive the heel of a size 12 Reebok to the ball sack.

3. The Bitch
A more extreme version of "The Princess". While these people don't necessarily battle for personal space, they somehow get the notion that a mosh pit is a friendly environment. Usually in the younger, more hot-headed demographic, these arrogant little bastards are always the first to drop the proverbial gloves the moment someone touches them the wrong way. It's a mosh pit! You will get hurt! You will get a random thumb in the eye socket from time to time! It's a commonly accepted fact. Yes, the mosh pit does have it's fair share of idiots (as described in this blog), but one does not need to take their douchebaggery to heart - don't become one of them. Generally speaking "The Bitch" is merely teen-angst manifesting itself at an inappropriate time and place.

4. The Potential Rapist
Metal is about being a man! Yeah! A heterosexual man! That means we must grab the breasts of the few women in attendance! Even if they are 14 years old and unsuspecting! When I discuss "The Potential Rapist" I think of one sight I witnessed that still bothers me to this day. It was Monsters Of Rock 2008, I saw a girl who must have been no older than 15 or 16 get raised above the crowd, and as the security guards tried to pull her down, some anonymous hands shot up out of the crowd, lifted her shirt up, and copped a feel of what undeveloped boobs there were. Now, I'm no "Neon knight" by any means, in fact, I can be down right sexist from time to time, but there is a line I don't cross. If I saw this happening to my girlfriend/sister/daughter/niece/friend, I'd probably run in and attempt to promptly beat someone to death with their own shoes. Yes people, we all know you're horny and sex-deprived, but for Christ's sake, use a little class would you?

Seriously though, when I first started attending concerts 5 years ago, the sight of a woman at a metal show was a rarity, now stop scaring them off!

True Fact: The previously mentioned event transpired during Judas Priest's set, I did find a touch of humour in that.

5. The Chud
Usually the biggest rule-breaker of all. "The Chud" can fit into pretty much any category listed throughout this blog simultaneously. These are the people that show up to a Megadeth concert because they once beat "Hangar 18" in expert mode on Guitar Hero. Metal & loud concerts are a trend to these people, they refuse to invest in album purchases, t-shirts, or even an attempt at long hair. Now, I don't care much about clothing style, but these people almost seem to go out of their way to look as out of place as possible, when in reality they are just completely ignorant. A lot of complaints against "The Chud" may seem shallow, but there's certain behavioural tendencies these people fall into that will eventually get them killed. The first being arrogance - your first concert experience? Hell, I'd be proud to rock out along side you when you pop your concert cherry so to speak, but don't show up just because you once heard "Ace Of Spades" on that cell phone commercial - you're taking up valuable space and oxygen; a rare commodity at many metal shows. Secondly - you don't dress like the typical Metalhead? We don't mind, but at least try to make an effort to not stick out like a sore thumb, don't show up in your Goddamn Gucci wear or whatever it is you kids are into these days. I don't show up to your dance clubs in my ripped jeans & Ramones cut-off, so let's not make double-standards here.

It may sound like an elitist attitude, and hell it probably is, but a metal show should be a gathering for people who have something in common - a love of metal or a budding interest in metal with a genuine desire to learn. As much as it pains me to make a cheesy allusion to Manowar, I think there should be some sense of brotherhood retained in the metal scene.

6. Mike Tyson
Being a light-weight individual, these people aggravate me the most. These are the types of people who step into a mosh pit for the sheer purpose of hurting people. Moshing is a physical reaction to the music, much like dancing. Now metal is usually a fairly violent form of music, and obviously we can't stand there going into seizures when blast beats come on, so we have the mosh pit. Have you ever fallen down in a mosh pit and had someone intentionally gas-pedal you? That was one of these fuckers. Chances are he also fits into categories 1 & 5 as well. How to spot one of these charming people? Well, first of all, use the method mentioned in category 1, but also notice these people mosh at the most inappropriate times, like during a Heaven & Hell set. As previously mentioned, moshing is a physical reaction to the music, so if you see someone trying to mosh during a doomy song, chances are it's once of these assholes. You wanna hurt people? Start a fight club with people like yourself, stay the fuck away from my concerts.

7. Hardcore Moshers
This one is really straight-forward; leave hardcore moshing at the hardcore shows. Don't start going spastic picking up invisible pennies and fighting invisible ninjas during Gojira. Ever received an unexpected crescent-kick to the jaw? I don't think I need to explain further.

8. The Beer Waster
Probably the most minor of all the offences, but still a piss-off that needs to be addressed. I'm already getting soaked in a couple hundred other peoples sweat & blood, don't dump your beer on me! This is another one that bothers me on principle rather than the action itself. Yeah, the beer will dry, but it makes me think, you know? Concert beer is generally higher priced, the average metalhead is generally reasonably broke - who can afford to do that? If you're too much of a dink to finish a single beer, then I'm sure you can find a friend (that is, if you have any friends), that's down on his luck and would love most of a free beer.

I'm pretty sure anyone who has attended more than 3 concerts in their life can agree with these problems. Perhaps it's a North American thing...Either way it needs to stop.


 



Written on 13.11.2009 by
Doc Godin
Former EIC, now semi-retired.
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Kap'N Korrupt - 21.12.2009 at 19:23  
@Syk: Meh...one photo doesn't prove anything...
Warman - 22.12.2009 at 13:54  
Do we have a nomination for "The Best Drama" award here?
BitterCOld - 22.12.2009 at 18:24  
Not even a blip on the radar. this year had some decent drama.
Pétur - 30.12.2009 at 21:44  
4. The Potential Rapist

this, I remember once where a couple of girls talked their experiences on a forum and they said there were times during a gig where they get touched on personal areas by these assholes because they think nobody sees and that their hentai rape fantasy can turn reality.

If I can add to the list:

the anti-social big fat drunk asshole: he is always there to ruin every pit, annoy and creep out women and make a tit out of himself because he can't control himself at all while drunk.
MetallicA - 06.01.2010 at 04:48  
I used to go in the pit all the time for several years...hell, I started alot of them. Back then I wore baggier clothes and I would put my hair in my face to disguise the fact that I'm female so I wouldn't get protected or treated like a girl in a pit. Now, I just stay out unless it's a song I REALLY like. This is mostly cause I just want to pay more attention to the band and may be because I'm getting older. (Yeah I know I'm young but I've been going to shows for over half my life span).

In one of my more recent incidents in the pit during a song I really liked, I ran towards this other guy who was also in the pit...or so I thought. He was standing in it, not near it and I did see him moshing earlier. Well, next thing I knew my legs flew out from under me and I fell hard on my back...so hard it knocked the wind out of my sails for a good minute. Turns out what this asshole did was he saw me running toward him and kinda panicked so he grabbed my legs right out from under me! Ok I understand I will get hurt from time to time (once I hurt my knee so bad I was limping for several days but I never complained...shit happens, not like that was intentional) but that was the most uncalled for, cowardly, and "bitchiest" thing I have ever witnessed/ experienced in a pit. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?!? Who does that? Only a bitch, that's who.

other than that, I hate hardcore dancers. I was at a show recently, forget who, but anyways, there was one guy who was hardcore dancing and all the other moshers kept on pushing him over to make him stop (they weren't trying to hurt him, just trying to push him over so he'd stop and then help him back up). Nobody wants to get karate kicked you know! Well, I think that guy got the message because he eventually stopped his karate kicks and moshed normally. I was like "finally some recognition!" lol

ps - I guess I missed some juicy drama on here
MetallicA - 06.01.2010 at 04:55  
Written by Pétur on 30.12.2009 at 21:44

4. The Potential Rapist

this, I remember once where a couple of girls talked their experiences on a forum and they said there were times during a gig where they get touched on personal areas by these assholes because they think nobody sees and that their hentai rape fantasy can turn reality.



god those fuckers disgust me! When I was 15 or 16, I went to a huge festival...I had crowdsurfed a few times already and had no problems. I decided to do it again (hey, I like crowdsurfing, it's alot of fun!) during Godsmack's set...it was night now and I guess alot of the people there were gettin real drunk at this point...I say this because I nearly got fingered while up in the air. Fortunately, he did not succeed cause at this point I got tossed about 10 feet away and nothing like this never happened again. Shortly after this, I discovered metal and a much more respectful crowd!

and in response to those who bring their non-metal girlfriends to shows to show off as trophies: all I have to say is that is retarded. Most of the time, I look at these girls and I can clearly tell they are either bored as fuck or they're not having a great time. Leave metal shows for those who want to have a good time there. I know sometimes you have to cater to your other's interests and vice-versa but it really does ruin the atmosphere a bit especially if they don't really want to be there.
SerratedSyringe - 21.01.2010 at 19:54  
Written by Nexus on 30.11.2009 at 06:56

I think the worse are the dudes that are so ridiculously overprotective of their girlfriends. It's like, you fucking touch a strand of their gf's hair, and they lose their freaking marbles. Don't worry honey, she ain't gonna break! The best is when they turn around the shove you as a retaliation, once they do and realize (in my case) that you're a chick, try to pull you back as compensation because they feel bad? Like man, I don't like the fact that you're pushing me in the first place, but at least fucking choose as to whether you're gonna shove or pull me, and don't start fucking waltzing with me, motherfucker!

I could never do that. I only go out with girls who like metal, that way when we go to shows together we both get in the pit!
Nexus - 23.01.2010 at 09:29  
Written by MetallicA on 06.01.2010 at 04:55

Written by Pétur on 30.12.2009 at 21:44

4. The Potential Rapist

this, I remember once where a couple of girls talked their experiences on a forum and they said there were times during a gig where they get touched on personal areas by these assholes because they think nobody sees and that their hentai rape fantasy can turn reality.



god those fuckers disgust me! When I was 15 or 16, I went to a huge festival...I had crowdsurfed a few times already and had no problems. I decided to do it again (hey, I like crowdsurfing, it's alot of fun!) during Godsmack's set...it was night now and I guess alot of the people there were gettin real drunk at this point...I say this because I nearly got fingered while up in the air. Fortunately, he did not succeed cause at this point I got tossed about 10 feet away and nothing like this never happened again. Shortly after this, I discovered metal and a much more respectful crowd!


I fucking hate that. I've never had that happen to me while crowdsurfing, but I have whilst standing and once even while in a pit. When I'm standing, people usually come up behind me and wrap their arms around or start groping me. When I start bitching at them they excuse themselves and say they thought I was their girlfriend. It's plausible, but I don't always believe it.

The absolute worse happened a couple of years ago at an outdoors festival during Anthrax's set. I guess I was about 17 or something. Anyway, I was moshing when suddenly some asshole comes up behind me and grabs me by the tits, forcing me up against him, while pushing other people with his free arm, simultaneously twirling us around. I eventually shoved him off, but the jerk actually had the nerve to turn around and flick his tongue at me in a perverted way. I chased after him to kick him in the balls, but I never found him.

IF YOU ARE ON THIS FORUM AND ARE READING THIS: I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOUR FACE, AND IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN I WILL DESTROY YOU.
SI T'ES MEMBRE DE CE FORUM, ET T'ES EN TRAIN DE LIRE CE TEXTE: JE T'AI JAMAIS OUBLIé, ET SI JAMAIS JE TE REVOIS ENCORE, JE TE CASSE LA GUELE, ESTI ENCULé.

Written by SerratedSyringe on 21.01.2010 at 19:54

Written by Nexus on 30.11.2009 at 06:56

I think the worse are the dudes that are so ridiculously overprotective of their girlfriends. It's like, you fucking touch a strand of their gf's hair, and they lose their freaking marbles. Don't worry honey, she ain't gonna break! The best is when they turn around the shove you as a retaliation, once they do and realize (in my case) that you're a chick, try to pull you back as compensation because they feel bad? Like man, I don't like the fact that you're pushing me in the first place, but at least fucking choose as to whether you're gonna shove or pull me, and don't start fucking waltzing with me, motherfucker!

I could never do that. I only go out with girls who like metal, that way when we go to shows together we both get in the pit!


Most of these chicks are metalheads, at least in my area.
Introspekrieg - 23.01.2010 at 19:24  
The most annoying person I've come into contact with at a show was the singer of an opening band trying to out-sing the headliner from the crowd. Standing in the audience all I could hear was this guy attempting air raid sirens...
he eventually left when people started wasting beer.
Kap'N Korrupt - 23.01.2010 at 20:27  
Written by Introspekrieg on 23.01.2010 at 19:24

this guy attempting air raid sirens...
he eventually left when people started wasting beer.

i.e...people were throwing beer on him because he was attempting air raid sirens so he eventually left?
Valentin B - 25.01.2010 at 15:46  
@Nexus wow and i thought i was an awkward bastard at gigs standing around all alone and staring at shit that guy deserves an asswooping.
Doc Godin - 27.05.2010 at 10:02  
Written by MetallicA on 06.01.2010 at 04:55

and in response to those who bring their non-metal girlfriends to shows to show off as trophies: all I have to say is that is retarded. Most of the time, I look at these girls and I can clearly tell they are either bored as fuck or they're not having a great time. Leave metal shows for those who want to have a good time there. I know sometimes you have to cater to your other's interests and vice-versa but it really does ruin the atmosphere a bit especially if they don't really want to be there.

Late response, but whatever. This is up for debate. My girlfriend isn't really into metal at all, her musical tastes are more scattered and not really focused in on anything in particular, so I'm always trying to show her stuff to turn her on to metal. She shows a genuine interest and is always honest with me on what stuff she could get into and what stuff she doesn't like (I recently got her into Sonata Arctica - she bought 2 of their albums. Yeah I know, uber poppy, but it's a baby step! I'm so proud.) So I recently brought her to a metal show to see what she'd think of the live experience. She enjoyed it, I didn't get the ecstatic reaction I was hoping for, but she liked it nonetheless.

Long story short that one is a bit of a grey area, some bring their girlfriends for the same reason I did. It all comes down to knowing your place I guess though - she doesn't pretend to be an expert by any means, which is something I have seen done by many needy women who are just trying so hard to impress their boyfriends.
Panterica - 16.06.2010 at 15:44  
Written by Nexus on 23.01.2010 at 09:29

Written by MetallicA on 06.01.2010 at 04:55

Written by Pétur on 30.12.2009 at 21:44

4. The Potential Rapist

this, I remember once where a couple of girls talked their experiences on a forum and they said there were times during a gig where they get touched on personal areas by these assholes because they think nobody sees and that their hentai rape fantasy can turn reality.



god those fuckers disgust me! When I was 15 or 16, I went to a huge festival...I had crowdsurfed a few times already and had no problems. I decided to do it again (hey, I like crowdsurfing, it's alot of fun!) during Godsmack's set...it was night now and I guess alot of the people there were gettin real drunk at this point...I say this because I nearly got fingered while up in the air. Fortunately, he did not succeed cause at this point I got tossed about 10 feet away and nothing like this never happened again. Shortly after this, I discovered metal and a much more respectful crowd!


I fucking hate that. I've never had that happen to me while crowdsurfing, but I have whilst standing and once even while in a pit. When I'm standing, people usually come up behind me and wrap their arms around or start groping me. When I start bitching at them they excuse themselves and say they thought I was their girlfriend. It's plausible, but I don't always believe it.

The absolute worse happened a couple of years ago at an outdoors festival during Anthrax's set. I guess I was about 17 or something. Anyway, I was moshing when suddenly some asshole comes up behind me and grabs me by the tits, forcing me up against him, while pushing other people with his free arm, simultaneously twirling us around. I eventually shoved him off, but the jerk actually had the nerve to turn around and flick his tongue at me in a perverted way. I chased after him to kick him in the balls, but I never found him.

IF YOU ARE ON THIS FORUM AND ARE READING THIS: I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOUR FACE, AND IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN I WILL DESTROY YOU.
SI T'ES MEMBRE DE CE FORUM, ET T'ES EN TRAIN DE LIRE CE TEXTE: JE T'AI JAMAIS OUBLIé, ET SI JAMAIS JE TE REVOIS ENCORE, JE TE CASSE LA GUELE, ESTI ENCULé.

Written by SerratedSyringe on 21.01.2010 at 19:54

Written by Nexus on 30.11.2009 at 06:56

I think the worse are the dudes that are so ridiculously overprotective of their girlfriends. It's like, you fucking touch a strand of their gf's hair, and they lose their freaking marbles. Don't worry honey, she ain't gonna break! The best is when they turn around the shove you as a retaliation, once they do and realize (in my case) that you're a chick, try to pull you back as compensation because they feel bad? Like man, I don't like the fact that you're pushing me in the first place, but at least fucking choose as to whether you're gonna shove or pull me, and don't start fucking waltzing with me, motherfucker!


Once in a concert I saw a "potential rapist" in action, I got so pissed! I ran to the guy and beat the hell out of him. I came back that day with some bruises but I was glad for punching him, that kind of people should be beaten up and sent straight to coma, fucking bastards.
SODOM666 - 27.06.2011 at 19:56  
My girlfriend is into metal but refuses to go to concerts with me because of "The Potential Rapist". These creeps need to fuck right off.
Captain Obvious - 20.08.2011 at 06:57  
We need a new category here: The Tony Montana (a coked out version of the Mike Tyson). I was at the inaugural Heavy TO a month ago, and during Testament this fuckhead who had one too many snorts started fights with literally everyone in the pit, including me (thankfully everyone around me backed me up). He wouldn't leave the pit on his own so as a last resort we sent him up in the crowd to let the security guards handle him. Unfortunately, he crowd surfed over a tiny woman who couldn't keep him up and he fell on his ass. What happened next pissed me off: he got mad at the chick and proceeded punch her in the face. Me and everybody else around him were now bracing for an all out brawl with this jackoff because nobody, and I mean NOBODY hits a girl and gets away with it! But that chick ended up fighting back, she punched him good and knocked his teeth out, and he ran away crying and bleeding from the mouth. I then shook that girl's hand afterwards because that was the greatest thing I've ever seen at a show! Granted, this story had a happy ending... but beware of the Tony Montana!
metalmusicrvwr - 20.08.2011 at 20:42  
I don't understand what moshing, hardcore "dancing", or sexual assault has to do with music. Must be a 'scene' thing.

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