Ultra Vomit - Objectif: Thunes Translated And Explained


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This post aims to spread the humor of Ultra Vomit worldwide. I guess that some people listened to them without understanding a word of French, and ended missing 90% of the band. So that's my attempt at translating this album, I did the best I could, resulting in lots of side notes and awful presentation (still WIP sorry). And maybe some insulting explaination since the jokes are gently stupid.


  • 00 about the title

    Objectif: Thunes (Objective: bucks) is a pun with the famous comic strip Objectif Lune by Hérgé (Destination: Moon)
    It was also parodied by the comical band Les Nuls (The Lame) with their TV show Objectif: Nul (No Destination, Destination : Naught, or Objective: Lame)


  • 01 INTRO

    "Good evening everyone and welcome on this second opus of Ultra Vomit. In the next hour, legendary hits, exceptionnal riffs, but also and above all, an unprecedented human experience. Open your ears wide, adventure begins right now, 3 2 1 Go!"


  • 02 WHEN I WAS A KID

    *well know stupid song that every French kid sang once*
    *and a Motorhead parody*

    Let's go baby!
    When I was a kid, I wasn't a big one
    I would show my dong to all passer-by

    *french slang here is "poireau" which means "leek"*
    My Mom would tell me "Will you hide it out!"
    And I'd answer "Will you lick it off?"
    When I was a kid...

    When I was a kid I was just cheeky
    I would piss the world off whith my guitar
    My Mom would tell me to go to school
    And I'd answer "Shut up! I'm playing rock'n'roll"
    When I was a kid...



  • 03 DARRY COWL CHAMBER

    *Darry Cowl is a French actor and musician who began in the 50s. He's known for speaking with a lisp*
    *the lyrics are also well-known French tongue-twisters*
    *and there's a pun with the nu-metal band Coal Chamber*

    "Yes! C'mon hurry up here! Bitches! I wanna see blood in the pit! Let's go!"
    A hunter who knows hunting should be able to hunt without his dog
    Are the Archduchess's socks dry? super dry.
    A hunter who knows hunting should be able to hunt without his dog
    Those 6 saucissons are so dried that no one could tell if they're actually saucissons

    *there's no point in translating this, they're just tongue-twisters sung with a lisp over a nu-metal parody*
    666!
    *lyrics sheet says "c'est énus", be frankly I never heard that before so idk wether it's mistake*


  • 04 WELL-BEHAVED / THE GOOD MANNERS

    Dont' put your fingers in your nose!
    Don't put your elbows on the table!
    Before you come in, wipe your feet!
    Go and help the granny to cross he street!
    Respect!
    Kindness!
    Courtesy!
    The good manners!
    Zût! Flûte! Crotte! Mercredi!

    *those are all curse word but tempered and not to offensive, the kind of words you use when you want to swear with children nearby. Mercredi means "Wednesday", and is used instead of "Merde" (shit) because they have the same first syllable*
    Non mais! Dit donc! Bon sang!
    *those are expressions reflecting one being upset after some outrageousness*
    In the name of an old wooden pipe!
    *"Nom d'une pipe en bois!" is an old and silly curse*
    Listen up! you retorted to your mother?
    We will teach you the good manners!
    Our crowbars and knuckledusters will make you understand!

    *a child speaking*
    "What's happening? What are you gonna do?
    Please stop! Why did you knock me down?"

    *and the child gets beaten up by the street squad who heard about is poor behavior*


  • 05 BAKERY / PATISSERIE

    The school's bell just rang (driiing)
    All the kiddies did goo work (18/20!)
    But before they come back home
    If they feel peckish a bit
    They could have a look around in a very marvellous place
    Bakery Patisserie
    Little cakes at any time of the evening
    Bakery Patisserie
    ...



  • 06 MAITE RAVENDARK

    *Maïté is a woman famous for hosting a cooking show on TV and cooking all kind of traditionnal dishes and great gastronomy
    here's an example of her butchering a boar*

    *there's obviously a pun with Mighty Ravendark, famous black metal song from Immortal*

    I'm fed up with canteen
    I want to guzzle fries
    I'm tired of queuing up
    For eating shit

    Broccoli!
    Salsify!
    Celery!
    That's enough!
    I throw you up!

    Ratatouille, spinaches, bechamel!
    Get out of my plate!

    Green giant! Green giant go to hell!

    *"Géant Vert" is a brand of conditionned vegetables*

    Don't put small crumb balls in the water jugs
    Don't put bits of bread in your neighbour's glass
    Don't put garden peas in my chocolate mousse
    Or I'll mash your face
    Come on! Dontputbitsofdontputbitsofdontputbitsof...



  • 07 JACK CHIRAC

    *Jacques Chirac was a French President. He passed away recently, by the way.*
    *so the lyrics are just "Jack Chirac, Jack Chirac" over and over*


  • 08 FOR A MOSH WITH YOU

    *this a parody of the song "Pour Un Flirt Avec Toi" ("For A Flirt With You") by Michel Delpech*

    For a mosh with you
    I would do anything
    For a mosh, with you!
    I'm ready for anything,
    If I could thrash a good one
    Down in the pit with you

    For
    A little turn
    In the pit to
    Break your arms



  • 09 BLOODY SCUMBAG

    *a song about anger at the wheel*

    "Sucker! You Scumbag!
    Yes, that's you I'm talking to"
    Bloody scumbag, bloody scumbag,
    you're just a bloody sucker



  • 10 MECHANICAL CHIWAWA

    Tirelipimpon sur le chiwawa
    *I've no clue how to translate that, it's like "You touch my tralala, my dingdingdong"*


  • 12 I NEVER LOVED YOU AS MUCH

    *"Je Ne T'est Jamait Autans Aimer" is full of mistakes, it should be correctly written "Je Ne T'ai Jamais Autant Aimé".
    Keep in mind that the mistake can be heard when they sing
    "je ne T'est jamaiT_autanZ_aimer
    que depuis que Tu T'esT_en aller
    je ne T'est jamaiT_autanZ_oTer Ta culoTe"
    since you should pronounce the last consonant of words followed by a vowel. This is purely intentionnal of course. The funny thing is that a lot of French people mistake this rule when speaking, so the first lyric isn't really shocking. The second lyric however is extremely shocking and nobody would say anything like this*


    I never loved you as much as you left
    I never stripped your pants this much
    now that you're dead
    Our love is eternal
    Free and rebel
    Our love is forever
    Till the end I'll stuff you up

    I never loved you as much as you left
    I never stripped your pants this much
    now that you're dead



  • 13 AN ASS HAIR

    *another one line song*
    *this one is a remake of their previous song "A Pubic Hair"*


  • 14 PUS CRUSTS

    *this is a parody or an impersonation of another French porngrind/humor band, Gronibard (which means "Bigboobs")*

    Pus crusts, pus crusts
    I ate all my pus crusts
    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!



  • 15 I'M LAZY

    *parody of singer George Brassens*

    I like to do things in half
    Don't reach the end of my thoughts
    I like to do things in half
    Because I'm lazy
    Because I'm
    ...pff



  • 16 MOUNTAINS OF MATHS

    *parody of another Immortal song, "Mountains Of Might"*

    "Pick up your grimoire of Algebra,
    we will correct today's exercises"

    - Shite, I didn't do my exos.
    That's sure, I'll go to the chalkboard
    - You in the corner of the room, to the board!
    - What a surprise
    - What you mean you did not do it?
    - But sir, there's way too much homework
    And today's a History assessment in top of that
    - I don't care! Give me your correspondence book!
    And for tomorrow, you'll do all the exercises!
    Plus the problem page 666!

    Mountains of maths

    "Thalès, Pythagore, Euler... I bow to thee"



  • 17 MORBID COCKER

    *Morbid Angel + Joe Cocker "You Can Leave Your Hat On"*

    Baby cut off your throat, real slow.
    Baby rip off your chest.
    Blow off your fuckin'lets!
    But you can leave your head on.
    You can leave your head on.
    Joe Cocker ,motherfuckers! Ha!
    You can leave your head on!



  • 19 I'VE GOT A COUSIN

    Wow! I've got a cousin
    Hear out what happened to him!
    I've got a cousin, who broke his shaft
    In a toddler's anus
    I've got a cousin, who broke his shaft
    In a toddler's anus
    Sing it!
    (I've got a cousin, who broke his shaft)
    Where?
    (In a toddler's anus)
    I don't hear you
    (In a toddler's anus)
    Yeah!
    (In a toddler's anus)
    Did you like that? cool!



  • 20 CANIDAL CORPSE

    *Cannibal Corpse + a mutt behind the door barking at the postman*

    Sit!
    Lay down!
    Don't move!



  • 21 CONDEMNED TO HEADBANG

    *a song start then is boarded by pirates who want to sabotage the album*

    Here we are, on those suckers' CD
    Shit that's it, c'mon dudes!
    we gonna mess up that shitty CD


    *"Au Clair De La Lune" is a well-known lullaby ; on the other hand the song has a stupid childish counterpart that is the version sung here*

    By the moonlight
    I farted in water
    It made bubbles
    It was fun


    *then they sing the opening of "30 millions d'amis" ("30M friends") which is a TV show dedicated to animal nursery*

    30 millions of foes!


  • 23 I MAKE COLLECTION OF DUCKS (ALIVE)

    *this song was originally created by Andréas & Nicolas, another humor band that Ultra Vomit's guitarist has played in. This is the metal version*

    As soon as an ad on TV
    deals with a duck
    I go! I go!

    I make collection of ducks
    I make collection of ducks in thousands
    I make collection of ducks
    I make collection of ducks (alive)

    When I surf the web,
    and eBay sells a duck
    I buy! I buy!

    And if someone outbids me
    Quick! I outbid them
    -bid them, -bid them

    *"Je surenchéris, -chéris, -chéris" sounds like "chéri, chéri" ("darling, darling")*

    I make collection of ducks
    I make collection of ducks in thousands
    I make collection of ducks
    I make collection of ducks (alive)

    I know that it's impossible
    But I believe!
    I know that it's impossible
    But that's how I am

    I wish to acquire all ducks on Earth

    (Come on ducks!)
    coin coin coin coin

    We make collections of ducks
    We make collections of ducks
    ...
    (alive)



  • 24 FINAL SKETCH

    Casting "I make collection of ducks -parenthesis- alive" for the band Ultra Vomit
    - Lets waste no time, make the first duck come in please
    - Hello, introduce yourself in two words

    *"in two words" is a regular expression in French, I'm not sure about English*
    - coin coin
    - Well, we listen to you Mr Coin
    - coin coin coin coin coin coin coin coin coiiin
    - Hum... For me it's a no...
    - No!
    - ah... For me it would be yes... but no.
    - Next please
    - cui cui cui cui cui
    - No, c'mon sir, you're just a chick
    - Next!
    - coin coin (in the fashion of Donald Duck)
    - Mmm no, he's too famous
    - Next!
    - coin coin (but tired and frail)
    - Too old, next!
    - coin coin (with rhythm and a somewhat of Claude François)
    - Too lame!!
    - Next.
    - cc cc cc cc cc cc cc
    - You'll come back when you're out of your egg, mister.
    - COME ON WE MOVE ON, We'll never fucking make it!!!
    - that's right, it is misery
    - AND YOU THERE!! DON'T STAY IN THE CORNER!!

    *"coin" means "corner" so that's another stupid pun*
    - coin
    - COOOME AND HURRY UP!!!
    - coin coin coin coin (ends in sobbing)
    - FUUCKKK!! BUT THAT'S SHITTY! AND YOU'RE SHIT! YOU'RE NOT A DUCK BUT SOME FUCK
    - Oh! that's enough!
    - YES THAT'S ENOUGH BUT LOOK, WE HAVE ONLY HALF A DUCK, DON'T THINK I'M A PIGEON
    - Yes but he broke down, he came and you shouted at him, that's all
    - FROM THE BEGINNING YOU ALWAYS SAY THE CONTRARY
    - Stop it he's crying now
    - Wait a second, I'm gonna end what could be called a conflict of ducks

    *pun: "conflit de canard" sounds like "confit de canard", which stands for a delicious dish of duck meat cooked in grease and salt*
    - ahah
    - Oh you and your dad jokes
    - Listen sir, wipe your tears, you are given a second chance, lets go
    - coin coin coin coin coin coin coin coin coin
    - Oh yeah yeah
    - I don't know what you think of that...
    - It's good then
    - yes
    - It was better this time
    - yes
    - It's good then
    - yes
    - It was better this time
    - yes
    ...

    *and that makes another song*



Created by: Ansercanagicus | 13.10.2019






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