MetalStorm.ee - Switches To MetalStorm.net
NOTE: This was posted on April Fools day 2010. Although the contents of this news are not entirely true, the .net part entirely is! A real explanation to what has happened can be found here:
http://www.metalstorm.net/events/news_comments.php?news_id=10756
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Yup, it finally happened. The underground MetalStorm.ee switched to mainstream as fuck MetalStorm.net.
If you think "holy moly, this means the dawn of a new era," well, congratulations, you discovered the pizza truck with a giant satellite dish right in front of your window. It's been camping there for years, but whatever.
The truth is we started selling out years ago - when we turned the zine into a serious corporate business. That's right, it's all political nowadays. We've been accepting money - good money actually - to make bands like Atreyu, Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, Bullet For My Valentine and the likes, visible bands on MS for years now.
After the whole Executive management (what you know as the Staff) and the shareholders (aka the Elite team) got a company car as a New Year's bonus (a pitch-black BMW Z4 E85 - aw yeah, we're those kind of guys), we think it's time to show our true colors - or better yet, untrue colors - and switch to MetalStorm.net.
Not joking around this time.
Of course, somewhere deep in your rotten heart, you all wanted this too. Just look at those Band Suggestions you guys are making. The thing is filled with metalcore/deathcore/crapcore bands, scene shit and even Linkin Park. Good going!
So thanks a bunch for those suggestions! We'll think of you next time we pay a speeding ticket (those BWM's are not made to ride by the speeding rules, or what did you think?) with the money we got from In This Moment, The Devil Wears Prada, Bring Me The Horizon and Oceano to make them a visible band, appearing in the news, reviews and interviews all the time... No, that was an April's Fool's joke... we won't be thinking of you.
We announce this news on April 1st because it perfectly fits our long-term strategy in deceiving you. Hell, in the past years we - intentionally - fed you crap like Disco Storm, Blakk Metul Storm, Flower Storm and whatnot, just to make sure you wouldn't believe this conspiracy theory. That's right, we want you to reject belief in this conspiracy. Because this time, it's all true, MetalStorm.net IS happening.
Around MS Corporation, we tell you what to believe and what not - we always have.
No, seriously, we're not messing around, MetalStorm.net is a fact.
Sincerely yours,
Thryce - Senior vice president of development and public affairs
in coordination with Ivan - Chief Executive Officer
PS: Nope, we're still not adding Dethklok. What are those cartoon characters gonna pay with? Monopoly money?
http://www.metalstorm.net/events/news_comments.php?news_id=10756
--
Yup, it finally happened. The underground MetalStorm.ee switched to mainstream as fuck MetalStorm.net.
If you think "holy moly, this means the dawn of a new era," well, congratulations, you discovered the pizza truck with a giant satellite dish right in front of your window. It's been camping there for years, but whatever.
The truth is we started selling out years ago - when we turned the zine into a serious corporate business. That's right, it's all political nowadays. We've been accepting money - good money actually - to make bands like Atreyu, Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, Bullet For My Valentine and the likes, visible bands on MS for years now.
After the whole Executive management (what you know as the Staff) and the shareholders (aka the Elite team) got a company car as a New Year's bonus (a pitch-black BMW Z4 E85 - aw yeah, we're those kind of guys), we think it's time to show our true colors - or better yet, untrue colors - and switch to MetalStorm.net.
Not joking around this time.
Of course, somewhere deep in your rotten heart, you all wanted this too. Just look at those Band Suggestions you guys are making. The thing is filled with metalcore/deathcore/crapcore bands, scene shit and even Linkin Park. Good going!
So thanks a bunch for those suggestions! We'll think of you next time we pay a speeding ticket (those BWM's are not made to ride by the speeding rules, or what did you think?) with the money we got from In This Moment, The Devil Wears Prada, Bring Me The Horizon and Oceano to make them a visible band, appearing in the news, reviews and interviews all the time... No, that was an April's Fool's joke... we won't be thinking of you.
We announce this news on April 1st because it perfectly fits our long-term strategy in deceiving you. Hell, in the past years we - intentionally - fed you crap like Disco Storm, Blakk Metul Storm, Flower Storm and whatnot, just to make sure you wouldn't believe this conspiracy theory. That's right, we want you to reject belief in this conspiracy. Because this time, it's all true, MetalStorm.net IS happening.
Around MS Corporation, we tell you what to believe and what not - we always have.
No, seriously, we're not messing around, MetalStorm.net is a fact.
Sincerely yours,
Thryce - Senior vice president of development and public affairs
in coordination with Ivan - Chief Executive Officer
PS: Nope, we're still not adding Dethklok. What are those cartoon characters gonna pay with? Monopoly money?
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Staff Posts: 9718  |
Written by Bas on 01.04.2010 at 12:09 Fuck that, I had to dig this info out on my own. Withholding information that's necessary to shareholders is a CRIME! It's fraud. The fucking embezzlement that goes on in this shill-factory makes me sick.
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| Baz Anderson Staff Posts: 13238  |
Written by Bad English on 01.04.2010 at 12:12 .net is world domination.
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| Bad English Tage Westerlund Posts: 61246  |
Written by Baz Anderson on 01.04.2010 at 12:25 then what is com?
---- I stand whit Ukraine and Israel. They have right to defend own citizens. Stormtroopers of Death - "Speak English or Die"  I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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| Baz Anderson Staff Posts: 13238 |
Written by Bad English on 01.04.2010 at 12:27 Not as good as .net 
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| Bad English Tage Westerlund Posts: 61246 |
Written by Baz Anderson on 01.04.2010 at 12:30 whit out jokes whats diference between those? when there can be com and when net 
---- I stand whit Ukraine and Israel. They have right to defend own citizens. Stormtroopers of Death - "Speak English or Die" I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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| Yova Posts: 358  |
LOL! BMWs are for posers xD
---- ...if there was a single day I could live... ...a single breath I could take... ...I'll trade all the others away...
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| Baz Anderson Staff Posts: 13238 |
Written by Bad English on 01.04.2010 at 12:34 Hahaha... .com = commerce .net = network But there is no practical difference.
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| Darkside Momo Retired Elite Posts: 9087  |
Written by Baz Anderson on 01.04.2010 at 12:36 Bah you say that now... but you very well know that .com brings much more money, and you failed miserably on that, you buch of stupid losers
---- My Author's Blog (in French)  "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you" "I've lost too many years now I'm stealing back my soul I am awake"
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| Darkside Momo Retired Elite Posts: 9087 |
Written by Doc G. on 01.04.2010 at 10:31 You never told me about that... The evil, ugly bastards will pay for sure!
---- My Author's Blog (in French) "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you" "I've lost too many years now I'm stealing back my soul I am awake"
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| Baz Anderson Staff Posts: 13238 |
Written by Darkside Momo on 01.04.2010 at 12:43 I'm sorry you feel that way about us... but you know... business is business.
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| Ivor Staff Posts: 5360  |
You, Thryce, indeed are an asshole. I've been keeping foundations of this site running for years and this is what you do? I was asking Ivan for a pay raise, so I could afford myself a decent car, he said, wait .net will go through, you'll get your pay. Then he said, it didn't bring enough money in, so I couldn't get what I was promised. In fact, haven't seen my pay for two months. And now I find out that this asshole has bought himself a top of the line beamer... Hell, that does it. Should have known something is fishy when Ivan went on that Atlantic cruise... God, I should have monitored those e-mail's for such information. If I don't get my money real soon, I'm pulling the plug on the server. Think you all would have gotten where you are without me? Think Ivan knows heads or tails of this site's code? Yeah, right! It has been outsourced from India, or Bangladesh, or whatever. I had to keep this sucker running for years. Awful amount of work. Good luck finding a replacement. If I don't get paid in like 6 hours twice the amount I was promised (+my salary) I'm going to pull the plug on the server. Since I'm the only one with access to the server, and Ivan's on cruise (hell, even if he was available he's in Finland, what'd he do, come get me here in Estonia, eh?) I'm really going to pull the plug. Thryce, I know you don't believe me but you will. You will.... Oh, and don't bother deleting your e-mails. I've got backups. You can all suck on the candy, bastards. All your fraudulent e-mail exchanges will go to court with me, Jups, and Momo. FU! I.
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| Darkside Momo Retired Elite Posts: 9087 |
Written by Baz Anderson on 01.04.2010 at 12:50 Precisely what I say. You horrible, stinky, dirty, ugly liers betrayed us, but for what? You're all so happy about your greed and cash flow, but you couldn't do it right! You'll see, you'll die in misery while we (Marcel, Doc, Jupi and I) will laugh our asses off.
---- My Author's Blog (in French) "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you" "I've lost too many years now I'm stealing back my soul I am awake"
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| Bas Retired Staff Elite Posts: 5591  |
Written by Ivor on 01.04.2010 at 12:51 Now Ivor, please don't do anything reckless. If you really do pull the plug we will eventually find a replacement, but it will cost us time and time is money. Of course if you do it, you can forget all about your bonus too, all of us will lose out on a lot of money with no gain, so let's talk this over, ok? Bas Senior Business Development Manager
---- BAS - Beautifully Accented Sexiness
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Staff Posts: 9718 |
Written by Darkside Momo on 01.04.2010 at 12:45 How could I?! It was so humiliating! ...But the tides have changed! Pull the plug, Ivor! We're taking the power back!
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| Thryce Retired Staff Elite Posts: 4346  |
Great story Ivor. But this isn't some fantasy world, this is business. Pretty pretentious thinking you can outsmart me on the bribery and corruption level - quite sure it was me who introduced those things to this site in the first place. So don't you fucking dare talk to me that way again. Not my fault you don't know how to drive a BMW and wrecked it on the first ride. Not my fault you spent your paycheck on lottery tickets. Dumbass. Your little threatening letter is full of bullshit anyway. Thryce Senior vice president of development and public affairs
---- Your favorite band sucks.
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| Ivor Staff Posts: 5360 |
Yeah, sure. Right you are. You two couldn't tell a difference between the offers when we were buying our own server. Does RAID ring a bell? 15krpm? Right, without me you'd still be on the half a megabit connection powered by local unknown company, all the time complaining that the site was slow and bandwidth was small. Screw you! It was me who got you the current server, and the connection deal. Hell, I even organized the switch to .net with ISP. And this is how you talk to me? Bastard... If I don't get paid, I'm pulling the plug. See if I don't! I.
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| Slayer666 Posts: 2466  |
Written by BitterCOld on 01.04.2010 at 00:37 Fuckin' sellout.... How do you people live with yourselves? Pull that effin' plug, Ivor. Make them pay for this (litteraly, if you want).
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| Bad English Tage Westerlund Posts: 61246 |
Hey guys you shood buy bullet profe wests because maybe some crazy member try kill you for sell out, remeber Lenon story  and Pantera dude
---- I stand whit Ukraine and Israel. They have right to defend own citizens. Stormtroopers of Death - "Speak English or Die" I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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| Jeff Freaky Admin Elite Posts: 7078  |
Written by Yova on 01.04.2010 at 12:36 True, that's the reason why I got an AUDI. But of the whole staff I'm the only one who is classy anyway.
---- Come with us to Hellfest 2011!
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| jupitreas hi-fi / lo-life Staff Posts: 6659  |
To the corporate whores: You think you can threaten Momo, Ivor, Doc and me with your expensive lawyers? Think again bitch. We have the truth and our belief in God on our sides!!! If we don't get paid by the end of the day, we will not only sue your asses but also reveal to our competition (Blabbermouth, Metal Sucks, Metal Archives, Microsoft) all of the behind-the-scenes debauchery that all of us have been forced to witness or even participate in. Yes, thats right, if I don't get paid, I will talk and provide hard evidence about the following: - the sheep bladder incident - the name and label association of the girl who made us eat s..omething and at which festival it happened - the hazing practices on new staff members, I even have photographs of that rusty penile ring - about 434 gb worth of webcam coverage of the various sexual acts certain staff members required of our female users - a copy of the infamous genitalia book - a copy of the list of homosexual users used by the staff for blackmail purposes - the actual recipe used for making the annual MS staff dinner - video footage of the punishment given to Herzebeth - and much more!!! If you needle-dicks really want all your dirt published by the competition, go ahead, don't pay me!!!! I wonder how you'll pay those lawyers of yours after the whole world finds out!! So FUCK YOU and you can KISS MY ASS, Metalstorm.net!!!!
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| Darkside Momo Retired Elite Posts: 9087 |
Written by jupitreas on 01.04.2010 at 14:56 You forgot to mention ANUS 
---- My Author's Blog (in French) "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you" "I've lost too many years now I'm stealing back my soul I am awake"
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| Darkside Momo Retired Elite Posts: 9087 |
Written by Jeff on 01.04.2010 at 14:25 Classy? Since when wearing long hairs is 'classy'? Long-haired corporate bitches ain't classy dude, they're retarded dumbasses pretending to be rebels.
---- My Author's Blog (in French) "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you" "I've lost too many years now I'm stealing back my soul I am awake"
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| Ivor Staff Posts: 5360 |
Oh, yeah! Jups, you won't believe what I found in their e-mails. Holy-moly, this stuff will be great for court. Anyway, unless I get paid in less than 4 hours, I'll pull the plug. That should get them off their asses. I.
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| Justicelust Posts: 213  |
I don't understand, metal must be metal. you're messing up everything. 
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| Thryce Retired Staff Elite Posts: 4346 |
I got to give it to you, you guys have some balls... shaved balls that is. All you guys do is call us money grabbers while you demand your own piece of the money pie... Way to sell out on your beliefs, Robin Hood. At least I was honest from the beginning; I'm a hustler, I hustle. You guys are just beggars, profiteers and drama queens. Plus, you ain't got nothin' on us. Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to finish my Cuban cigar before it gets cold. Thryce Senior vice president of development and public affairs
---- Your favorite band sucks.
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| Cyroth Posts: 274  |
This surely will be on MS Awards 2010 for the best drama of the year...
---- 
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| Ivor Staff Posts: 5360 |
Yeah, you do that... before your body gets cold. There's a hitman on the run. Doc said not to disclose it but what the hell. I figure if you know beforehand, all the merrier for everybody. I.
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| Thryce Retired Staff Elite Posts: 4346 |
Rrright. Think I'm going to spend the salary money the company still owes you to bribe your own hitman. After all, everybody has a price, am I right guys  Welcome to the corporate world, pal. Bring a sweater, it's cold. Thryce Senior vice president of development and public affairs
---- Your favorite band sucks.
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| oroboros Posts: 134  |
Yeah...fuck metalstorm.net.. now lets have a look at dat 434 gb worth of webcam coverage!!!
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| Bas Retired Staff Elite Posts: 5591 |
Hey Thryce, now that Marcel's out how bout we use his share to get both of us a private flight to Amsterdam and get ourselves a brothel (yes the whole brothel, I need myself at least 10 girls, all under 23 of course) for a night? When we're there we can also talk about the details of that deal. What do you think? Bas Senior Business Development Manager
---- BAS - Beautifully Accented Sexiness
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