Written by:	Thryce
Published:	09.03.2011

Lettuce be reality, going to a metal gig is one hell of a boring affair.




Face it, in the best case scenario you just stand there... amidst a bunch of sweaty, hairy metal dorks... watching some other dorks on a stage attempt to play some instrument... while still other dorks ninja-kick the shit out of their imaginary friends... and you still stand there, with a warm and overpriced beer in your hand... getting drunk to the point you cannot remember where you parked your freaking car.


"Happens to me all the time" you say? Well not anymore! Here are 10 insanely fun-fun-fun things to do, suitable for any bored concert-goer, clubber and opera aficionado!!! ...but mostly concert-goers.

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#10. Eye Candy-Only

Everybody loves to watch a show-off. So get more for your money and go to shows, not concerts. (If you want top-notch quality music, just stay at home and play a CD while holding a picture of the band in front of you.) So make sure the musicians you're about to see know how to handle their instrument. The more showing off, the better.




...Or better yet, go see musicians who play their instrument nekkid. Like Nick Oliveri for example (Captain Obvious says: NSFW)

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#9. Make Some Noise

Unless you're into the whole "embarrassing yourself" thing, singing along at a metal concert is only acceptable if you manage to sing louder than the music. The general rule: the more extreme the band, the more points you get if you manage to out-scream them.

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#8. Bring Gifts

Oh goody, my favorite band is making a stop in my home-country! Seeing I'm by far their biggest fan and the world obviously revolves around me, I'll have to let them know I'm there, right? What better way to draw their attention than throwing them a present, like my own my sister's panties or one of my own my sister's plush stuffed animals.

Or a free beer.




Or a beach ball.




Or eggs. Or gobstoppers.

However, do NOT throw any shit at Josh fucking Homme. Seriously, he'll buttfuck you in front of all of your friends.

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#7. Only Go To Bret Michaels Concerts

There are several good reasons Mr. Bret Michaels deserves a statue. For one he is a total... hero! Everybody and their mom knows the charismatic Poison frontman/all-round rock 'n' roll supahstar is good-looking, smart and the epitome of masculinity. Secondly, Bret Michaels is tons of fun! But most importantly, going to a Bret Michaels concert will get you laid (no girl Barbie doll can say no to this face). If you're lucky, you might even mark a line on your STD bingo card. Go get 'em boys

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#6. Propose

So you took my priceless advice and went to a Poison gig, and lo and behold, you managed to bring some skank chick to your mom's basement home. Then what? Seeing that a metalhead finding a good girlfriend is as rare as finding a non-pedophile priest, there's only one thing to do... hold on to her, fool!

Any gig will do for this one, though most wedding planners will advise you to propose on Accept shows, Metallica shows or Fear Factory shows.

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#5. Bring A Wheelchair

I don't need to explain this one, it seems like a lot of fun!




(N.B.: huge respect for these guys!)

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#4. Advanced Diving

Probably the most popular recreational pastime of a metalhead is diving. It's adventurous, it's completely harmful and it's a great way to stay in shape.


A guide to stage diving.




A guide to epic stage diving.




A guide to breaking your teeth when stage diving.

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#3. Pick Up...

We already picked up chicks, time to pick up a fight. 'Cuz a good fight is always fun for everybody! Thankfully such Neanderthal behavior during metal shows is well documented.


Exhibit A: Cephalic Carnage, providing the perfect background music for all your fights since 1992.




Exhibit B: Mud on Hellfest, like flypaper for the people looking for a good time.




Exhibit C: Compilation of more "come at me bro" moments.

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#2. Share Food

Another effective way to get yourself some more personal space in the middle of a show is by sharing what you had for dinner with the rest of the venue.

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#1. Meet & Greet

And then finally, the moment has arrived, your favorite band takes the stage. Time for a big hug!

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Recommended Readings:

- 101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert
- 8 Ways To Be Socially Ostracized At A Show
- The 69 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts (no guarantees though)