Band:	Opeth
Album:	Blackwater Park
Style:	Extreme progressive metal
Release date:	March 2001

01. The Leper Affinity
02. Bleak [feat. Steven Wilson]
03. Harvest
04. The Drapery Falls
05. Dirge For November
06. The Funeral Portrait
07. Patterns In The Ivy
08. Blackwater Park
09. The Leper Affinity [live] [Legacy edition bonus]

[Limited edition bonus CD]
01. Still Day Beneath The Sun
02. Patterns In The Ivy II

[Legacy Edition bonus DVD]
+ 5.0 Audio Mix Of The Original Album
+ The Making Of Blackwater Park

This charade has gone on long enough. It's time someone gave this crappy album an honest assessment.

First off, let's talk vocals. Michael Akerton is supposedly some amazing singer (I've seen soooo many reviews praising his singing) but it's like all this guy can do are these really ugly Cookie Monster growls. It's totally nasty and you can't even tell what he's saying (although the lyrics are all dumb satanic garbage anyway, so whatever). Then when he does sing for real, it's like, all not impressive and whiny. I mean, I bet I could do a better job. Try harder, Mike.

Also, what the heck is going on with those riffs? They're all random shredding and just playing notes that don't make sense. No big, catchy power chords, no cool fast riffs that old-school heavy metal bands like Metallica and Avenged Sevenfold play. They also have weird time signatures (that's how many notes per octave the guitar plays), which messes up the whole rhythm and makes the songs hard to dance to. I'm a blue belt in karate and I like to show off my moves in the pit (all the babes in my class dig it), but I can't do that if Mikhail Akunin can't even play his guitar right. Go listen to Guns N' Roses and learn how a REAL musician writes riffs.

What even IS "Blackwater Park" anyway? Like, wow, so deep. You use words like "affinity" and "drapery," so it must be intelligent. I'm in awe of how meaningful this album is, with all these instrumental jam sessions and super long songs. It's like these guys think they're jazz musicians or something. Go get a job, hippie. I don't care who you are - seven minutes is *way* too long for a song. And the song "Blackwater Park" is a whole freaking 12 minutes!!!! If Mikasa Ackermann is really this awesome genius songwriter, how come he can't figure out how to get to the freaking point already?

Just because you have tracks with extended lengths that incorporate multiple styles and push the boundaries of musical convention through virtuosic performances, unorthodox structures, and genre-spanning techniques doesn't mean you're progressive. Try listening to Periphery sometime, guys.

Oh, and by the way, this Steven Wilson guy who produced this album - also a total hack. That guy doesn't know the first thing about album production. It's super muddy, there's no bass, and the high end is all blown out. Stick to writing sad songs about birds.

*Disclaimer: This review was part of the 2018 April Fools Collection. It is actually a review of Death's Sound Of Perseverance. *