Blog: Your Own Festival That Blows Hellfest Out Of The Water


Written by: Thryce
Published: 18.06.2010


Right this very instant Hellfest Open Air is taking place.


If you don't know what Hellfest is, congratulations, you are either enjoying your first day on Metal Storm territory, or you are the proud owner of a hot tub time machine (in either case, welcome).


For months we have bombarded you with Hellfest news and announcements, preview articles, give-away contests and more news and announcements. But now that the time has finally come, well, we're not there. And if you're reading this, it obviously means you didn't make it as well. Yeey us for not being there!



The look that says: "100% not attending... and biting the bullet."



The Staff Towers are pretty much abandoned now. Nobody is working at their desks. Marcel's drunken ramblings don't echo from our chill-out room annex bar. Our supersized fridge is completely empty as the bastards took all the food and beer with them "for the road" - fuck! - and the Canadian elites aren't awake yet so I can't order them to fetch me some new booze.

All sober and no Hellfest makes Thryce a cranky boy.


Can you imagine? Around this time, half of the board is there, enjoying the shit out of the festival with its many great bands, watching a good show in the summer sun, having a blast with the many other Metal Stormers, drinking overpriced dishwater (or whatever the heck the French serve as beer)... And we have nothing. Absolutely nothing.


Well, I'm not taking it any longer! I'm here to make a statement... I'm here to start an anti-Hellfest revolution...

Well, that and I'm freaking bored.


So let's have a little fun on our own, shall we. To hell with Hellfest and everyone attending Hellfest, let's organize one kickass festival that is way better and more awesome than silly Hellfest. One that will put Hellfest with their pants down. If everyone makes a list, we'll get there.


Here are the rules of our little game:

  • You can only participate if you didn't go to Hellfest Open Air 2010.
  • You can only pick five bands, and line them up according to the following set-up:

    opening act - warm-up - direct support - headliner - after-party.

  • You have one wildcard to summon a deactivated band to do a one-time reunion gig.
  • You have one wildcard to summon one musician from the death.


In short: just come up with the best line-up since the dawn of fucking time, and select your five all-time/current favorite bands that'll play just for you and your enormous wallet.

I'll go first.



[Insert kickass band] in the middle of their set on [insert awesome name] Fest.



OPENING ACT - WARNING The festival takes off with an exclusive one-time reunion show of Warning, the epic doom metal outfit that broke up somewhere last year. Those hauntingly beautiful soul-crushing songs will be a guaranteed hit, sending chills down many spines.

WARM-UP - HEAVEN SHALL BURN These days there are only a handful of worthwhile metalcore bands that truly deserve your attention, Heaven Shall Burn being one of them. With their death metal instigated metalcore this band will stir up the crowd like a human blender. The perfect warm-up of any festival.

DIRECT SUPPORT ACT - MORBID ANGEL Brilliant live band. No further introduction needed. If you don't see why I lined-up Morbid Angel, stay the fuck off my festival lawn.

HEADLINER - EXODUS (1985-1993 era) Let me tell you a well-kept secret. The best thrash band at the end of the nineties wasn't Metallica, it wasn't even Megadeth (puh-lease!), it was fucking Exodus. For the occasion, the band will be hosting an old school thrash night and only play material coming off their five first records. Why? Because it's my goddamn festival, and I feel like it, that's why.

AFTER PARTY - THE ANGELIC PROCESS After this evening of relentless violence it's time to take a breather and close the festival in an ethereal and mesmerizing atmosphere. Since the late K. Angylus rejoined the land of the living for a few hours, The Angelic Process can end the festival in mysteriously stunning style.


Your turn.



 


Comments

Comments: 104   Visited by: 422 users
18.06.2010 - 17:37
Black_Handed
A village idiot
Hmm silly idea. but why not. but cramping only 5! bands to do it is crazy, still, i managed.

OPENING ACT - ENSLAVED - blasting is way through the past and present. songs from Eld, Frost, Mardraum, Below The Lights, Isa and Ruun. slightly meditative before getting slapped into face by....

WARM-UP - SUFFOCATION - ok for anyone that havent seen that live, because they are bored by their album performance (not implying that this is true). see them live, seriously. your head will fall off.

DIRECT SUPPORT ACT - THE CHASM - epic, melodic, atmospheric, progressive, doom, slightly blackened, thrashy death metal from mexico! unparalled instrumentals. fantastic twisted songwriting, because of both riffs and they way they work together.

HEADLINER - AKERCOCKE - original progressive death that doesnt sound a bit like opeth. every album has a unique sound, from grindy death, through blackened death, atmospheric death, progressive, and such. so, lets get Enraptured by Evil!

AFTER PARTY - TAAKE - getting folkish is good for getting drunk eh? great, complex although dirty, catchy etc.

runner ups - nile, mithras, origin, atheist, pestilence, cynic, zyklon, xenomorph, negura bunget, melechesh, tristwood, emperor, vader, the amenta, dying fetus, mastodon.
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Cryptic Bleak Smurf of Ur
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18.06.2010 - 18:03
Troy Killjoy
perfunctionist
KILLJOY DEATHFEST

This running order is written under the assumption that all bands will be performing with their original line-up for specific albums to be stated in the write-up.

Opening Act
7th Nemesis - Violentia Imperatrix Mundi

Warm-up
Kronos - The Hellenic Terror

Direct Support Act
Gorod - Leading Vision

Headliner
Benighted - Icon

After Party
Carcariass - Killing Process

Because Hellfest is taking place in France, I decided to honor it by selecting only French death metal bands.
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Prettier than BloodTears.
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18.06.2010 - 19:22
Valentin B
Iconoclast
A better line-up than this year's Hellfest? well, Sonisphere Romania already has that
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
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18.06.2010 - 20:14
aporyon
Well this maryland deathfest was the best line up that i ever seen in my life, but a if i can make a festival i'll put.

Opening Act: Intronaut

Warm-up: Revocation

Direct Support Act: Impaled

Headliner: Emperor

After Party: Suffocation

Yes I know that it's very fucked up
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18.06.2010 - 20:19
Black_Handed
A village idiot
Written by aporyon on 18.06.2010 at 20:14

Well this maryland deathfest was the best line up that i ever seen in my life, but a if i can make a festival i'll put.

Opening Act: Intronaut

Warm-up: Revocation

Direct Support Act: Impaled

Headliner: Emperor

After Party: Suffocation

Yes I know that it's very fucked up


no its actually quite varied and twisted . gj
----

Cryptic Bleak Smurf of Ur
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18.06.2010 - 20:54
!J.O.O.E.!
Defunct
OUCH! MY POOR EARS-FEST!

Opening Act: Bone Awl... who bow out due to technical reasons and are replaced with Ash Pool

Warm Up: Watchmaker

Direct Support: Agoraphobic Nosebleed

Headline: Ildjarn

After Party: Robedoor doing a free improv set with Skullflower
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18.06.2010 - 20:56
Heissayen
Opening Act: Skeletonwitch

Warm-up: Cavalera Conspiracy

Direct Support Act: CoB

Headliner: Death

After Party: Dethklok
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18.06.2010 - 23:45
Shipwrecked
[b][/b]BrianFest!

Opening Act: Imperanon

Warm Up: Skyfire

Direct Support Act: Symphony X

Headliner: Death

After Party: Wintersun (assuming they've released Time by now)
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18.06.2010 - 23:52
Doc Godin
Obnoxious
Quote:
the Canadian elites aren't awake yet so I can't order them to fetch me some new booze.


Remember that chili I served you last night? Yeah, I shit in it.

Anywho, awesome festival...hmmm

Doc's Birthday Party Fest

Opening Act: 3 Inches Of Blood

Warm-Up: High On Fire

Direct Support Act: Keep Of Kalessin

Headliner: Danzig-era Misfits reunion

After Party: Hardcore Superstar
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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19.06.2010 - 01:02
enumaelis
OPENING ACT - Therion
WARM-UP - Sabbat (With Walkyier)
DIRECT SUPPORT ACT - Arkona
HEADLINER - Death
AFTER PARTY - Pain

Would be a nice festival :P:P
----
http://enumaelis.blogspot.com/
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19.06.2010 - 01:30
StarBarer
OPENING ACT - Crotchduster (LMFAO)
WARM-UP - Electric Wizard (Electric Wizard Album)
DIRECT SUPPORT ACT - In Flames
HEADLINER - Dark Tranquillity
AFTER PARTY - DIO... Sad

With the DIO raising from the dead would be enough alone to be way better than Hellfest
----
http://www.facebook.com/projectfolklore
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19.06.2010 - 03:41
BitterCOld
Gringo
For starters, i think HF 10 is tough to beat... and it's not just me towing the company line. the presence of both Ulver and a Godflesh reunion... wowzerz.

BitterFest i'm avoiding horribly bleak oppressive stuff (see: Godflesh) for happy fun party times.

Opening Act - The Vandals. They aren't metal. so fucking what. there is punk at Hellfest, there is punk at BitterFest. they know how to put on a great show with tons of energy and party atmosphere. (set would include Waffy calling underage girls up on stage, serenading them with Teen Idol, then a nice double round of "Butt Bongos")

Warm-Up - High On Fire. hate to slot them here rather than deeper, but it's five bands only.

Direct Support Act - Exodus. Circa early Zetro years. After being Fury Whipped by HOF, it's time to do the Toxic Waltz

Headliner - Ministry. Circa "Psalm 69". a raging great intense party.

After Party - Darkthrone. Circa now. Sure they don't play live, but the odds of them playing BitterFest are about the same as the odds of BitterFest happening. Their last several albums would be great for a rowdy after party.
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get the fuck off my lawn.
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19.06.2010 - 06:43
Koen Smits
Opening: Caducity: cause my fest is in Belgium I choose a Belgian band to open it. Straight-on death metal.
Warm Up: Vomitory: never seen this Swedish death metallers but I'm sure they kick ass!
Support: Rotting Christ: I love their early work, but at my fest they can only play songs from Khronos and later.
Headliner: Carcass: must play whole Symphonies Of Sickness, some Reek..and some Necroticism...
After Party: Darkthrone: can only play songs from their 4 last albums. Great drinking party!!!

Jammy international line-up!
And guess what: I'm seeing Carcass next week @Graspop Metal Meeting!
----
RIP: Frank Vandenbroucke (6 nov 1974 - 12 oct 2009)

Written by Bad English on 05.04.2014 at 15:05

but spoil thius film is like spoil porn and say porn ends whit cum shot ...
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19.06.2010 - 07:50
Fat & Sassy!
Nomcat
Opening Act: Hinder

Warm-Up: Breaking Benjamin

Direct Support Act: Creed

Headliner: Nickleback

After Party: Stained



But if that dream couldn't come true, then...



Opening Act: Scorpions

Warm-Up: Atheist

Direct Support Act: Savatage

Headliner: Led Zeppelin original line-up

After Party: Pain of Salvation

>:[
----
"Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST..." ____Frank Zappa
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19.06.2010 - 08:29
Derwood
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 19.06.2010 at 07:50

Opening Act: Hinder

Warm-Up: Breaking Benjamin

Direct Support Act: Creed

Headliner: Nickleback

After Party: Stained



Dude, you forgot Finger Eleven!

Hmm...


Opening act - Rumpelstiltskin Grinder
Warm up - Oranssi Pazuzu
Direct support - Riverside
Headliner - Behemoth
After Party - Process of Guilt

For a twisted evening of massive metal mood swings.
----
You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck!
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19.06.2010 - 09:59
oroboros
Opening Act: Kylesa

Warm-Up: High on Fire

Direct Support Act: Insomnium

Headliner: Gojira

After Party: Misery Index
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19.06.2010 - 10:34
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 19.06.2010 at 07:50

Opening Act: Hinder

Warm-Up: Breaking Benjamin

Direct Support Act: Creed

Headliner: Nickleback

After Party: Stained



But if that dream couldn't come true, then...



Opening Act: Scorpions

Warm-Up: Atheist

Direct Support Act: Savatage

Headliner: Led Zeppelin original line-up

After Party: Pain of Salvation

>:[

dude, Scorpions as the opening act? that's kinda fucked up no?
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
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19.06.2010 - 10:58
LeChron James
Helvetesfossen
OPENER: "DROUGHT 3" ERA LIL WAYNE
WARM UP: LIL WYTE
DIRECT SUPPORT: IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE
HEADLINER: "LETS GET FREE" ERA DEAD PREZ
AFTER PARTY: WU. TANG.

not that the last three would ever be in the same place as the first two, but one could only dream.
----
Kick Ass, Die Young

Less is More
Stay Pure
Stay Poor

Music was my life, music brought me to life and music is how I will be remembered long after I leave this life. When I die there will be a final waltz in my head that only I can hear.
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19.06.2010 - 10:58
Fat & Sassy!
Nomcat
Written by Valentin B on 19.06.2010 at 10:34

dude, Scorpions as the opening act? that's kinda fucked up no?


Seeing as how their discography is the weakest, I'd say that it's fair... Assuming they'd play some stuff from post-Taken by Force.
----
"Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST..." ____Frank Zappa
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19.06.2010 - 10:59
Fat & Sassy!
Nomcat
Written by LeChron James on 19.06.2010 at 10:58

OPENER: "DROUGHT 3" ERA LIL WAYNE
WARM UP: LIL WYTE
DIRECT SUPPORT: IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE
HEADLINER: "LETS GET FREE" ERA DEAD PREZ
AFTER PARTY: WU. TANG.

not that the last three would ever be in the same place as the first two, but one could only dream.


I like this. It'd be a big surprise. XD
----
"Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST..." ____Frank Zappa
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19.06.2010 - 11:12
LeChron James
Helvetesfossen
Written by Fat & Sassy! on 19.06.2010 at 10:59

I like this. It'd be a big surprise. XD

Everyone would be soooooo pissed hahahaha
----
Kick Ass, Die Young

Less is More
Stay Pure
Stay Poor

Music was my life, music brought me to life and music is how I will be remembered long after I leave this life. When I die there will be a final waltz in my head that only I can hear.
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19.06.2010 - 14:07
Valentin B
Iconoclast
It was hard to cramp only 5 bands but here goes, Vali's Hellfestpwnzorfest:

opening act: Saxon with Dawson and Oliver reunion show, playing only stuff from the first 6 albums

warm-up: Blind Guardian

support: Iced Earth- at the end of the set, Jon gets out his acoustic guitar and without saying anything starts playing the Demons and Wizards tune Fiddler On The Green, with Hansi Kursch on vocals

main act: Judas Priest

afterparty: Diamond Head
----
Sing me a song, you're a singer
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
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19.06.2010 - 15:15
corrupt
With a lowercase c
Corrupts corrupted corruptionfest:

Opening Act: Theatre Of Tragedy, original lineup with a special Theatre Of Tragedy and Velvet Darkness They Fear set.
Playtime: 120 minutes.

Warm-up: Arcturus, original lineup with Garm and Vortex.
Playtime: 120 minutes.

Direct Support: X Japan, Hide resurrected from the dead.
Playtime: 180 minutes.

Headliner: Emperor, Ihsahn, Samoth, Alver, Trym with a full-length set of each album in order. Thorns On My Grave would be the last song. Awesome!
Playtime: 240 minutes

After-Party: Bloodbath, current lineup with Dan Swanö and Peter Tagtgren where appropriate.
Playtime: 120 minutes.

Awesome! I'll start planning right away.
----


Schwarzmetall!
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19.06.2010 - 15:31
Panterica
Come To IL You Asses Fest:

Opening Act: Soundgarden - Not very metal, but great music.

Warm Up: Pantera (1988-1992) - Is there a better way to get into the mood than getting a Thrash/Groove metal band as warm up?

Direct Support Act: Children Of Bodom - If you won't take your hat off, they'll take your head off.

Main Act: Opeth - I gotta see them again with decent sound.

Afterparty: Mastodon (Crack The Skye) - The only album that these guys made that I love, but it's one of the of the albums I LOVE.

*I wanted to put Skid Row/Led Zeppelin as an opening act, but putting Panthera as a Warm Up act wasted both of my wildcards.
----
Li'ed - Prog-Metal from Jerusalem
https://www.facebook.com/LiedBandMusic
http://lied-band.bandcamp.com/
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19.06.2010 - 16:08
Promonex
Cathemeral
Promonex spending his Friday at Hellfest Fest:

Opening act: Between the Buried and Me
Warm-up: Infectious Grooves
Direct support: The Young Gods
Headliner: Godflesh
After-party: Ulver

And tonight Fields of the Nephilim. Sucks to be you who are NOT posting here from the Hellfest wifi bus!
----
All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now.
- The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841 Ch. 26
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19.06.2010 - 19:28
Fat & Sassy!
Nomcat
Written by Promonex on 19.06.2010 at 16:08

Warm-up: Infectious Grooves


Wait. WHAT?
*Has feelings of extreme jealousy*
D:<
----
"Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST..." ____Frank Zappa
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19.06.2010 - 20:17
Soulweeper
Metal Up Your Fucking Ass Festival

Opening Act: High On Fire
Warm-up: Evile
Direct Support Act: Vader
Headliner: Immortal
After Party: Prong
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19.06.2010 - 20:19
afu
Opener: Baroness
Warm-up: High On Fire
Direct Support: Danzig
Headliner: Black Sabbath
After-party: Monster Magnet
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19.06.2010 - 20:44
Damnated_Soul
My fest would be Gothic as hell:

TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS FEST:

Opening act: Desire (Doom Metal) - Since I'm portuguese I believe it would be good to start with portuguese metal band.

Warm-up: Moonspell (Gothic/Black Metal) - I know, another portuguese but hey, early Moonspell is fucking awsome.

Direct Support: Draconian (Gothic Doom Metal) - Playing whole Where Lovers Mourn album and some more songs. Starting with Scenery of Loss & The Amaranth. Death Come Near Me had to be played as well as Expostulation and Heaven Laid In Tears (these two played like one).

Headliner: Cradle of Filth (Symphonic Black Metal) - Only their early works till Cruelty and the Beast. Starting with Forest Whispers My Name and Finishing with Bathory Aria (YAY *_*). Funeral in Carpathia, Ebony Dressed for Sunset, A Gothic Romance and Beauty Slept in Sodom would have to be played. Oh, and Paul Allender has to be on Lead Guitar!

After-party: Noctem (Fuck, Extreme Black Metal?) - Their brutal, violent, sadistic black metal would just blow away the rest of the audience's energy.

Fuck! Now that I read it, it would be my dream Festival *_*
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19.06.2010 - 22:58
Don Martin
le fu-
Written by Koen Smits on 19.06.2010 at 06:43

Headliner: Carcass: must play whole Symphonies Of Sickness, some Reek..and some Necroticism...
After Party: Darkthrone: can only play songs from their 4 last albums. Great drinking party!!!

Agree with the Darkthrone and Carcass!

Blastapalooza

Opening: Suhrim
Great Belgian death metal band, sadly split last year I think, if you find their last effort Happy Hour in the shops, buy it!

Warm-up: Haemorrhage
Great fun! Best goregrind band all around.

Support: Devourment
Topping the standards of brutality for over years, this band. Must play at least one song with the ressurected Wayne Knupp.

Headliner: Autopsy
This recently dug up death metal legend is my headliner, must play their whole discography. And a couple of songs written only for my festival, the performance will be available on dvd and cd at ridiculous prices.

Afterparty: Hirax
Having only released 4 studio albums in 20 years or so, this is going to a short afterparty hehe. Great thrash with a singer that looks like Lenny Kravitz but will eat Lenny alive.

Can't wait to see Carcass at GMM, I also expect many good things from Bloodbath. Gonna see them, Dizzeke?
----
What a tackastrophe!
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