How To Tell The Difference Between Metal Genres



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04.01.2008 - 01:19
mankvill
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
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04.01.2008 - 01:27
Duy Hung
Account deleted
This should be in the Funny stuff section , i've read this one, long ago but in Vietnamese
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04.01.2008 - 01:31
Stalker
Lone wanderer
Hahahh, thats good, the Folk Metal is my favourite... You should try to subit this in Funny Stuff.
Also, the version i read some time ago, had the Avantguarde metalhead too
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04.01.2008 - 02:14
b0000mst1ck
lol, that's classic.
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04.01.2008 - 02:26
Thrashette
Haha, yeah this belongs in the funny stuff section
I remember sending this to all my friends, even the ones who don't like metal and were probably thinking something along the lines of "WTF is power metal?"
The one I read also had grind, gothic, industrial, Christian, and tech metal

GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
TECH METAL: The protagonist plays a whole tone riffswitching between 11/16 and 23/16 with his left hand,while he taps a descending chromatic pattern with hisright hand. The dragon suffers a massive brain aneurysm and dies, and the princess runs off to music school so she can understand what the protagonist was playing.
GOTHIC METAL: Protagonist arrives through the windowat fullmoon, drinks the princess blood, return next fullmoon to do the same thing, and the next, and finally they can fly away together to live in eternal love
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04.01.2008 - 09:04
mankvill
Hehe, okay. I added S_V_B's stuff and submitted it to funny stuff!
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04.01.2008 - 09:48
Harmonic
Account deleted
There's hardly any sex in heavy metal - so what's with all the fucking and raping? Isn't that what rap is for? Is the average metalhead that frustrated?

(Yes, I did laugh my ass off anyway...)
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04.01.2008 - 10:37
Marshmellow
I ve read it a long time ago, in portuguese...but with some different details
In Black Metal, the protagonist was not the dragon, and some more changes i dont remember now
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04.01.2008 - 10:53
Opium
Account deleted
Hahahahaha, I can definitely see myself being the Thrash guy
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04.01.2008 - 14:50
rageing atheist
Account deleted
I can definetely see myself being the doom guy.
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04.01.2008 - 18:16
Bad English
Masterchief
wtf are wrong whit firts post
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Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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05.01.2008 - 03:33
Fhuesc
I've read this long time ago, and there also have latin american music genres. It had some diferences, like

Black Metal: the protagonist arrives in a misty dawn, kills the dragon, then impales him in front of the castle. Later he cuts the princess, and drinks her blood in a satanical ritual, just to find that she wasn't a virgin, so he impales her with the dragon.
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Hasta la victoria, siempre!
Until victory, always!
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06.01.2008 - 04:31
selken
Irreligious
I've read that before on a spanish site, it's a classic, I HATE YOU!!! I was translating that thing but I couldnt figure out where to post it
Nice done
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06.01.2008 - 05:58
ChasingEuphoria
Account deleted
always gives me a laugh
gore metal one is my favorite
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06.01.2008 - 09:29
Bad English
Masterchief
Flames of Hell - Fire od Steel

Weird but its one of firts vave BM bands lil like Possessed and so on, band are from Iceland an done album only one album has been recordet in 1987
Good one
----
Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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06.01.2008 - 10:16
Ellie
Account deleted
Haha I saw this about a year ago and thought it was so hilarious!
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06.01.2008 - 11:21
Pole Kitten
Account deleted
hahahahaha... the end. Nearly fell off my chair laughing at that one. So THAT's how i can learnt he difference between the genres' it all becomes suddenly clear. I like the Power Metal idea personally i think but Folk, Viking or Black Metal have to be the funniest. hahaha *falls off chair*
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06.01.2008 - 12:40
Damnated
Churchburner
Written by Bad English on 06.01.2008 at 09:29

Flames of Hell - Fire od Steel

Weird but its one of firts vave BM bands lil like Possessed and so on, band are from Iceland an done album only one album has been recordet in 1987
Good one

why are you posting this here?
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Blessed is he that murders Christ in himself and in his fellow men.



Written by TheBigRossowski on 10.02.2009 at 16:01

if my wife and I can't conceive, I want a medical shipment of your sperm so our baby will be just like you.
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06.01.2008 - 13:04
Bad English
Masterchief
Written by Damnated on 06.01.2008 at 12:40

Written by Bad English on 06.01.2008 at 09:29

Flames of Hell - Fire od Steel

Weird but its one of firts vave BM bands lil like Possessed and so on, band are from Iceland an done album only one album has been recordet in 1987
Good one

why are you posting this here?


what it shood be in lst album what you listened
----
Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
Loading...
06.01.2008 - 13:41
Smurfophagist
I have never seen this before, hahaha it kicks ass.
I wonder what did the folk metalists do when they left. Without the princess...
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Having a signature is an absolute must.
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06.01.2008 - 14:26
Stalker
Lone wanderer
Written by Bad English on 06.01.2008 at 13:04

Written by Damnated on 06.01.2008 at 12:40

Written by Bad English on 06.01.2008 at 09:29

Flames of Hell - Fire od Steel

Weird but its one of firts vave BM bands lil like Possessed and so on, band are from Iceland an done album only one album has been recordet in 1987
Good one

why are you posting this here?


what it shood be in lst album what you listened

Hahahah man, youre lost
@Filip - lol man... but I think they dont really care about her hahah
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06.01.2008 - 16:00
BloodTears
ANA-thema
lol I like it. Progressive metal is the best one.
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Written by BloodTears on 19.08.2011 at 18:29

Like you could kiss my ass.
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06.01.2008 - 23:09
Bitch Boy
XD


This is really funny, the Glam Metal one was the best.
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10.01.2008 - 10:43
Slinx
Account deleted
Hmm, what's the genre that best describes the protagonist going to fight the dragon, see how big it is, say fuck it and then go home to look at princess topless shots?
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10.01.2008 - 10:53
Syk
myspace/bonerama
Written by Guest on 10.01.2008 at 10:43
Hmm, what's the genre that best describes the protagonist going to fight the dragon, see how big it is, say fuck it and then go home to look at princess topless shots?
That's like nü... in that it's not very metal. Zing.
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death ‡ thrash ‡ death/doom/prog ‡ Hail Zoldon!

he's not the kind you have to wind up on Sundays
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10.01.2008 - 13:43
Woutjinho
Account deleted
Progressive metal and gore metal are the funniest
I have seen many variants of this already
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20.04.2008 - 17:07
ArtiA
Robin Goodfellow
every person know all of the genre have some special effect , but I'm listening too many time to metal and I try listen to all of that genre and finally I can find out what Difference between them
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"The WAY" is perfect and complete like boundless space nothing redundant but because the mind continues to make distinction.
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21.04.2008 - 17:47
Berfones
Written by mankvill on 04.01.2008 at 01:19

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.


Nice one.
I believe this is the best explenation I have ever heard
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Thine truly,ancient evil overlord
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24.04.2008 - 03:15
Haightredy
I'm totally the Power Metal guy... accually happened to me once. True story.
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31.07.2008 - 19:24
shadowmelder
Inquisitor Lord
No one remembered my favorite?

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

I also found this one:

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors, and as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
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For her immortal heart I would give my own and die for mankind's sins.
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